There are...some things in me that are hard to let go. I've come to realize I have a whole lot of stubbornness, pride and arrogance about me in some things. I'm far too bull headed and need to be humbled. because there are some things that I simply refuse to hand over to God. I know how amazingly arrogant that sounds, believe me I do. I've tried and it is no easy task to let go. I often find myself saying: "Lord I will give my life to you, i will submit all things to you but not this one thing, please let me be the one to choose this one thing!!".
There's an old song by the Rolling Stones you may have heard called "You can't always get what you want". From that song I derived that there are 3 things. What you want, what you ned and what God KNOWS you REALLY need. God knows us better than we know ourselves. He created us. He knows our little musings, the way we think, and how we'll act and such. He knows what makes us, well us. He also knows what is good for us though we often don't want to admit this. I know I don't.
I've been often times taught some things. I am being taught patience, to rely on God, to have Hope, rely on His promises, etc. But for all intents and purposes there is that one place I cannot give up because to me, I know exactly what i want. That place is, romance. I am sadly, a hopeless romantic. A lover of love and all the things that come with it. I'm a sucker for a moonlit night and a love song whether one of praising love or cursing it, I am a lover of love.
This, of course has gotten me in some degree of trouble. I've unfortunately yet to find the "right woman" for me and I've decided the only one best suited for finding her is me I mean who knows me better than myself right? Course that's where God comes in, asking me to hand over the reigns and of course I oblige to do so. All (to the best of my knowledge but God is revealing more of myself every day) except one.
To be honest i am trying to release that part of my life and deal with the inner issues that cause me to be such a hopeless romantic and desire love so much but I have been so attached to that part I am just resistant about letting it go. Why? Well....I'm afraid. I'm still human and there's other parts of me that need to be fixed but yes I am afraid. of being totally alone.
I'm certain this is more from the world teaching me about what it's definition of love and marriage is and that if you do not achieve such by a certain age you are doomed to forever be consumed with cats and loneliness. I mean hey that's not always the case. I met a lovely couple at my church who neither of them had been married before until meeting each other and they were in their golden years but they were so happy and it was amazingly cute! But the thought of that frightens me, like am I going to be alone for a really, really, really, really long time?
Course that fear is based on the world. I am supposed to
"Seek first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things will be provided for you." Matthew 6:33
I struggle because I KNOW what I am supposed to do. Seek god first, die to myself. DOn't put myself second but put myself and all things last like way last compared to God. Will I ever get married someday? maybe but I gotta learn what it is to truly love someone first, to truly know what the purpose of marriage is and most importantly how to put God at the center of all that. i got a ways to go. Despite whatever I may believe or whoever I may wanna ask out or to marry me, I have a long ways to go.
