Whelp, it's been a solid while since I've been here and written anything. I am literally swimming in drafts because of my laziness and lack of motivation. Great. Well, no time like the present right? let's begin. So straight to an interesting turn of events, I am now 30. It's an odd feeling, one I have yet to shake free of because, really, didn't I graduate high school just a year ago? That's how it feels anyway. I still remember the weeks leading up to graduation, the feeling of impending future and college. That the people you saw every day for years and years were suddenly going off into their own lives and adventures. Anything was possible and being 30 felt like forever far away. I wish that were still the case but life rarely goes as planned.
Case in point I haven't "achieved" any of what I was expecting. I'm 10 years into being single, kicked out of school, working from home and life is mundane and boring. I went from believing I'd graduate college, move to another state to get my masters, find a wife, get married, start a family and be an amazing youth pastor for the Lord. Yeah, nothing like I planned. None of that has happened. I think this is where the funny feeling comes from. Feelings of failure, inadequacy and my oh favorite friend depression. I just I dunno I feel like I'm a failure like I didn't give it my all, I messed around too much and now I am just stuck in some mud that isn't letting me go.
Instead, I was kicked out, had to care for my father and my oldest brother eventually. Had to pick up the hole my oldest brother left and take care of my little brother. My father developed dementia and was already on dialysis 3 times a week, and so much running to an from doctors. Then I lost my dad. Then I lost my oldest brother last year. My mother fell and broke her wrist a few months back and before that, my other older brother had a stroke. None of it is like I planned, a life that is. I remember a friend of mine, her sister's bf told me once "she told me about you and your life. You're going through a lot, aren't you? A lot that most go through when they're way older." Boy, that guy really nailed it on the head.
I guess it could be said all my trials are just preparing me for the future but I just feel like I've wasted my time in my youth and now there's no escape, no going back and everything from here is downhill. Like I won't get the chance to really enjoy life the way I feel like I can enjoy it. Going out to concerts, having a drink with friends, laughing until late at night because so much responsibility is coming quick and fast. Maybe that's the reason why I am so afraid to make any moves. Because I know I'll have to face and (hopefully) accept the fact that I am to be some sort of responsible adult that'll have a great deal on his shoulders and to me, it seems too daunting and frightening. Like a big looming weight to be put up on my shoulders.
I felt this weight months back when we were going to become conservators for my little brother. When the official asked who would be filling out the papers to become the primary conservator, my mother pointed at me and said: "It'll be him!" No prior warning, no preparation or talk it was just decided that I would be it. I was just made the heir apparent and there had been zero planning or discussion for it. Eventually, when the day comes, I will be the head of everything here. No pressure.
I just want to enjoy life or at least the part I left behind in my 20's that are gone now and I can't get them back. But I suppose that's the sacrifice I paid. I suppose sometimes there's "things we want to do" and "things we have to do." Knowing the difference is a mark of adulthood right? I just...don't want to de adrift anymore int he sea of uncertainty.
