"Everybody has a plan until they get punched in the mouth." -Mike Tyson
I take that quote to heart a lot these days. Pretty much, things don't ever go as planned. I'm talking about life and the turns it's taken in the last 9 weeks and really since last year. Basically, the entire structure of my home life now pretty much depends on me. No pressure right? I went from handling things as easy as paperwork to making sure bills are paid, information is gathered, doctor's appointments are arranged, just everything!
Things have been difficult. I won't lie. There are nights I am dragging my feet to crawl into bed for the taste of rest and waking up still exhausted. I've had to be patient, learn new things about how to do them around the house, and really new things about myself. Sometimes it seems like it'll never end. But then that's not why I titled this post as such.
After two weeks of captaining this boat, I had a thought, a phrase cross my mind. "To build a better man". I realized that this was a trial and chance to be forged new. I have for years wondered to myself "what does it mean to be a man?" Before I had thought I found the answer: a man does what he knows he has to do. Seems simple right? Well the good Lord saw fit for me to finally expand on that.
"I'm going to show you what it means to be a man. To build discipline in you, and to show you how to take initiative and lead." To say I was surprised was an understatement. i was getting my answer just not the way I wanted it (you'd think I'd have figured it out you can't always get what you want)
The title is exactly the words that I heard in my head a few nights ago. Recently, life has taken a turn for the interesting and difficult. I won't go into full details but I have gained full reign of basically running the house for a while. A heap of new responsibilities has been toppled on top of me. But with new responsibilities come new frustrations.
I'm not going to sit here and lie to you. It's been hard. Trying to break old habits, learn new ones, new ways of doing things, and trying not to get overwhelmed or frustrated. Needless to say, I've been living off of coffee and music for the last week. But it has opened my eyes to understanding some things. Like how I was missing key parts of being a true, functioning adult.
This year I wanted it to be a year of working on myself and improving the areas I feel I am lacking in. Like responsibility, controlling my spending, being disciplined, etc. Basically trying to do things I feel any well-equipped, real adult does. Things certainly have a way of "falling into place". Recent events have forced me to take the reigns and do something, I think the most prominent thing I am fighting against is my own laziness and not taking action. it is difficult, the ground is rough but I am getting used to it and actually trying.
The title comes from me being in the midst of all the things falling into my lap and hearing a voice tell me "to build a better man." I want to change. I want to be different. Be dependable, be strong, to build me into someone reliable. I don't want to be this fool of a man anymore. I want and I am going forward.
