No Happy Endings

You messed up. You did it again. You didn't think right and now she is hurt. Look what you've done. Why? Because you lust. Because you can't make up your mind, because you can't stop wanting. You are selfish no matter how hard you try and tell yourself that you aren't and that you wanted to give something up because its right. Well now here you are chafing your heart against a rock as it bleeds all over the stupid place and you have no one to blame but you. Disgusting. Can't even take control of your emotions.

And that is why you suffer. That is why you have slowly let me out. Because you felt what it was like to not be responsible to be wild, to be free, and you enjoyed it and it was dangerous and fun. You aren't a good boy anymore, you are a monster now. A nice calm, quiet, neat monster. Hiding yourself form the prying eyes. Maybe deep inside you didn't mean it sure but she knows.

And here you are, pathetic wanting to say something. Love? Don't kid yourself. You are too scared to love because you don't have a perfect definition yet. So you sit here, making excuses. All alone, hugging that damn pillow just so it feels like someone cares. Oh you say they do but do they? How many really want to hear about your worries? You worry so much about them and hat do they do? They beat you, ridicule you, put you down! Friends? I think not. You are weak and don't want to hurt them but you may have to. such a monster. what would they say if you showed them?

But i know i can find peace in God. I just hold onto so much negative because it all I have known for so long. God, take away the hurt, the pain, the disappointment, betrayal, sadness, depression,a ll of it. piece me back together. Save me oh God.

I wrote this today when I was in a dark place. I let go of everything that was building up inside. Its all due to the blame that negative voice inside us always gives us. When it yells, it criticizes, blames because its that part of us that know the truth. Well part of the truth it does twist it make it seem so full of despair. But there is hope, and light that saves us, saves us from the dark. God is that light, the light that can fix even me. Thank you lord.