Pomp and Circumstance

I had the greatest honor this weekend to attend the graduation of my friends at Biola University. I cannot describe the range of emotions inside of me at this point. I am filled with unbelievable happiness at seeing my friends walk to receive their diplomas, after so many years of hard work, late nights and losing so much sleep. I am so proud of them and at the same time I feel sadness. Not sad that i could not have been graduating with them but sad that I am realizing we're all growing up, getting older and closer to be regular people in society. Going off to internships, jobs, moving into apartments and renting houses.

It just seems so sudden but its beginning to settle in that we're just not kids anymore. Now its that we're adults and are planning out our lives and futures. I know there will come a day that we'll all be separated, and won't be able to see each other as much as I wish we could but I know also that this is necessary for our growth. I know I won't get to see them as much as I wish I could but I hope they all know how much I love them and how much they mean to me and the affect they've had on me. I want to wish you all the best and so many congratulations. I love every single one of you and hope and pray for nothing but the best. :)

Love is Here

"Why are you looking for love as if I'm not enough?"

I read that line on a Christian tumblr while exploring and my first thought was "Oh no." Why? Because it was as if God was asking me himself. Asking for me to explain the deepest darkest fears and parts of me to Him. To admit, to say, I've been hurt. The disappointments, the hurt, the pain of words said and the words unsaid. I have to admit there are moment sin my life where those I love have hurt me so badly emotionally, that...there's just scars. I mean I always ask the question "how can people, who claim to love each other and one another, act this way?" It doesn't make sense to me. Do I have high expectations of the love for family and friends that's supposed to be there?

I think its because I believe that when people profess God, they should try, no they should love like God. Forgive and forget and live life. Life is too short for fights, for anger and being mad and losing friends. But people sadly aren't like that. Angry words are spoken. Hurtful things are said and done and it leaves scars. I try and find someone to take that pain away or to help make it leave for a while. But even then I remind myself to give it all to God. That he is the one there that love's me, cares for me even when I'm ignoring him.

I imagine it as god is standing there as i look to the horizon for something or someone to catch my attention and make me happy for a short while, or make my heart strings flutter. All the while God stands in the background patiently waiting for me, each and every time for me to just give all that I am to him. God has always been there for us, we just don't notice Him. This isn't like other blog entries where I come to a conclusion or something but rather this is something i already know and I have to work on. Maybe I am hurt because so many have hurt me, maybe I am just carrying around these scars on my heart. Whatever it is I need to, and will with time give it all to God. And a daily reminder that in no one or anything can I find the love that God has.

Thank you, Mr. Lewis

Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis

The other day i was browsing through tumblr's (yes I have a tumblr and no i do not actually use it for any other means other than collecting pictures) and came across one that was dedicated to C.S. Lewis. Curious I clicked and went through and found something simply amazing. It was quotes upon quotes upon quotes by Lewis. Reading each one drew something up inside me. It was as if my heart had grown old and withered but this revitalized it, bringing it back to life and beating again. As if new blood was poured inside and I could feel it. I felt alive again. i felt anew like I was re-awoken form a bad dream.

Recently God has been teaching

me about patience. I want to go back to my original college but i have to take classes and wait. I want to read the word more and get closer to God but i have to take baby steps and wait. I want to find that woman in my life who I will marry, and love but i have to grow up and love God first and I have to wait. It takes time and baby steps and it doesn't happen all at once. I dislike that of course. I live in a culture where everything is now, now now! There is never any waiting, any struggling any working for it anymore. But now i have to learn all of this right now. That's how lessons work with God. It's like being a child and your Father is teaching you. teaching you things you eventually will say to "that was so easy how did I not get that before?!"

That's life though. And its like that because God decided I was to be His son. So why do i expect anything else? Anything else bu

t God's will. Other thoughts have been floating in my head too. I think I'd like to change how I look. Not plastic surgery, of course but the way I dress. I know many might say its not me being honest or true to myself but isn't it? I mean is the way I dress now any mush of a truth? I look intimidating at times but is that me? No, its not. I've gone and tried going out without my necklaces, my rings and bracelets in another color than black and you know what? it wasn't so bad. I keep thinking "what if I meet someone who dresses the same way but I can't relate to them because I'm not dressed the same?" So what if i'm not? How hard is it to connect to a person through something other than clothing?

I suppose this is me growing

up. I remember some of what my friend Mary Ann wrote once. She wrote a blog that had spoken of how she felt a change in her, in who she was becoming. I also sympathize with the lyrics to "wake me up when september ends" by Green Day. I don't know it just seems life every day is shaping who we are to become. And you can go with the flow or fight the current. Many might say that i'm betraying myself or who i am by going with the current, that I should fight against it to continue being myself but we change. That's the whole thing with life. We change and we learn. I've changed and its taken time. But I have to thank Mr. Lewis for his contribution. even if he may never know it. It helped. And most of all I have to thank God.

There are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind.-C.S. Lewis