No Sympathy

For those who are fools. For those who know better and do not listen, refuse to, who go blindly searching for something that leads to ruin. I hold no sympathy for you, especially when you come tot he end of your own stupidity. And thats the worst feeling. In the end, you have no one to blame but yourself.

The Ramblings of a Hopeless Romantic

So I've been in a strange mood these last few nights. Right before I go to bed I suddenly have the urge to listen to my Ipod. This would be fine if it wasn't romantic songs I'd end up listening to and would drift off to sleep with that. But you know what? It hasn't been all that bad. in fact things have been better than usual, at least to me anyways. I've come to terms with my feelings for a friend. I always asked why she couldn't see me as a possible guy to like and you know what? I am fine with it. I came to understand that maybe she just needs a friend. Whether something happens or not well that's up to God. Right now we're friends and I should be happy with that.

I mean sure it sucks, I have these feelings but I should be happy where we're at now. I also came to terms with some other feelings for a friend too. I had always had her in my mind as "the one" as in that person I could actually see marrying someday but honestly that was just keeping me in a place where any male friend of hers was a threat and that's silly. She isn't mine, like an object to keep and hide, she is my friend. Not someone on a back burner you know? She is a dear friend, like a sister and I can say I honestly love her like one after all of these years and I hope I can keep her as a friend forever you know? One of those friends you'd hate to lose.

I'm surprised at myself honestly. That I am taking this so well and that I am just not in a deep depression or anything like that. Okay sure I got a few love songs playing on my speakers but still I am honestly not depressed about it. I think its because I just want to be a good friend you know? I mean yes it'll take time to move on from these feelings but hey I got time. Maybe this is growing up?

With Arms Wide Open

I think I got it now. Yeah I do. I don't believe I can be loved. I have to live everyday with the memories, the scars, the knowledge of hat i have done. All of the things i've done, said, thought, all of it. Every single bit and the voices inside remind me. Everyday, every night, and just whenever the opportunity arises. I know what I have done and if people, friends, family, if they ever knew they'd stop loving me too.

That's where the rest comes in. My constant thought of people knowing, leaving me and being alone. Which is why I don't believe anyone can love me and so the ever looming fear of being left alone. I cannot, do not love myself and I believe that no one can love me. Finish it off that...i mean. How can God love me? I know he does. He does! but...I've just done such evil. God has forgiven me but how can I forgive myself? Do I just bury it all inside? Do I dare address it all? Confess to so many people I have hurt? Why? Why does it have to be difficult this way?