The time

When God made time he made enough of it-Celtic saying

How often have I found myself saying "oh if only I had more time" or "I did n't have enough time for this."? So many times I can remember saying that about a paper, a phone call i need to make or a form to fill out and being completely frustrated at myself. Yet it happens more than I care to admit in fact and each time I am simply in all at my own stupidity and lack of motivation at times. So now I address another area of lack of motivation and time management.

How often have I, taken God and said "I just don't have time for you" and put him on a shelf? how long have i taken the gift of His son and said "I can mess with this later"? Too many times. But then I read a poem I found and there were parts that struck a chord. COnsider these verses from the poem:

All day long I had no time To spread a word of cheer. No time to speak of Christ to friends, They’d laugh at me I’d fear.

and

No time to give to souls in need But at last the time, the time to die. I went before the Lord, I came, I stood with downcast eyes. For in his hands God held a book; It was the book of life. God looked into his book and said ‘Your name I cannot find. I once was going to write it down… But never found the time’

The time we have, its enough. All I have ever heard about living is plan like you'll live forever and live like you'll die tomorrow. In some ways this can be a selfish way of thinking since I could live anyway I want to and its all for the sake of living like you'll die the next day but mine is different. it's living for Christ as if you'll die tomorrow. Tomorrow is never guarantee'd. I can die now as I am writing this or 50 years from now or anywhere in between. What will you do with the time? What are you living for with that time? Are you living for God or for yourself?

I think of all that I have done or rather the lack thereof. The times I was afraid or passed up an opportunity to do something, say something to someone about God. I feel ashamed because right now despite the life i live I feel as if i've done nothing for God. Done nothing for His kingdom that is at hand. I want to tell people, I want to scream it form the roof tops and yet I have not. But i want to. I want to. All i can do is be mindful of what I say and do and the time I use as well. Tic tok the clock is ticking and the sand is running out.

How to be alone...

If you are at first lonely, be patient. If you’ve not been alone much, or if when you were, you weren’t okay with it, then just wait. You’ll find it’s fine to be alone once you’re embracing it. We could start with the acceptable places, the bathroom, the coffee shop, and the library. Where you can stall and read the paper, where you can get your caffeine fix and sit and stay there. Where you can browse the stacks and smell the books. You’re not supposed to talk much anyway so it’s safe there.

There’s also the gym. If you’re shy you could hang out with yourself in mirrors, you could put headphones in (guitar stroke). And there’s public transportation, because we all gotta go places. And there’s prayer and meditation. No one will think less if you’re hanging with your breath seeking peace and salvation. Start simple. Things you may have previously based on your avoid being alone principals.

The lunch counter. Where you will be surrounded by chow-downers. Employees who only have an hour and their spouses work across town and so they — like you — will be alone. Resist the urge to hang out with your cell phone. When you are comfortable with eat lunch and run, take yourself out for dinner, a restaurant with linen and silverware. You’re no less intriguing a person when you’re eating solo dessert to cleaning the whipped cream from the dish with your finger. In fact some people at full tables will wish they were where you were.

Go to the movies. Where it is dark and soothing, alone in your seat amidst a fleeting community. And then, take yourself out dancing to a club where no one knows you. Stand on the outside of the floor till the lights convince you more and more and the music shows you. Dance like no one’s watching…because, they’re probably not. And, if they are, assume it is with best of human intentions. The way bodies move genuinely to beats is, after all, gorgeous and affecting. Dance until you’re sweating, and beads of perspiration remind you of life’s best things, down your back like a brook of blessings.

Go to the woods alone, and the trees and squirrels will watch for you. Go to an unfamiliar city, roam the streets, there’re always statues to talk to and benches made for sitting give strangers a shared existence if only for a minute and these moments can be so uplifting and the conversations you get in by sitting alone on benches might’ve never happened had you not been there by yourself. Society is afraid of alonedom, like lonely hearts are wasting away in basements, like people must have problems if, after a while, nobody is dating them. But lonely is a freedom that breaths easy and weightless and lonely is healing if you make it.

You could stand, swathed by groups and mobs or hold hands with your partner, look both further and farther for the endless quest for company. But no one’s in your head and by the time you translate your thoughts, some essence of them may be lost or perhaps it is just kept. Perhaps in the interest of loving oneself, perhaps all those sappy slogans from preschool over to high school’s groaning were tokens for holding the lonely at bay. Cuz if you’re happy in your head than solitude is blessed and alone is okay. It’s okay if no one believes like you.

All experience is unique, no one has the same synapses, can’t think like you, for this be relieved, keeps things interesting life’s magic things in reach. And it doesn’t mean you’re not connected, that community’s not present, just take the perspective you get from being one person in one head and feel the effects of it. Take silence and respect it. if you have an art that needs a practice, stop neglecting it. If your family doesn’t get you, or religious sect is not meant for you, don’t obsess about it. You could be in an instant surrounded if you needed it. If your heart is bleeding make the best of it there is heat in freezing, be a testament.

Tanya Davis- How to Be Alone

When you say things like that

It reminds me why I don't share anything in my life with you people.

Yep this is the thoughts going through my head as I think of what my mom told me just now. That if I get arrested that I can just stay there because she won't help me. Me. The person who has never been in any trouble. Ever. I've really done nothing wrong but when I want to hang out with people she just happens to not like because they didn't go to my Christian high school or University, they must be bad people. Yeah thanks for having my back everyone. I guess that's what's family is for. I haven't given anyone a reason not to trust me or my friends. I mean hell one of my former friends that my parents loved from my Christian high school did things that would make them go wide eyed. And yet I don't say anything and just walk away. Worst case is to make my mother angrier. Just goes to show there isn't much equality when it comes to between my brothers and I. Oh well. Such is life.