Changes

I feel I need to change. I feel there is a part of me that need's to be set free, and that this current me, this old man needs to go away. I need to grow up and go on to become an adult now because, quite frankly, i do not like myself very much.

Realization

The other day at church, before the service even began I learned something. First off there is this girl (yes i know how many stories begin THIS way) that I think is cute at my church but it always seems she is focused on the worship team and doesn't ever really notice me. See that was my thought process and then I realized something about that. She is focused on God, on church, on the worship team that she doesn't need to notice anything else. She isn't looking for anything else to take her time because God is so central to her life. All of her priorities are in order and on God.

I realized this what I, what we all need: God first in our lives and nothing else mattering. In fact we're supposed to "seek first the kingdom of God and all these things will be added to you." (Matthew 6:33) Nothing in this life matters, is more important than God's will. The fact of the matter is that it is God's will first and everything else falls in second.

Now I am not saying to use this to get what you want, because it is God's will, not your own. I feel eventually God will break us so we say "not my will but yours Lord" than keep fighting it. I feel for myself when it says "all these things will be added to you" it is the things of God like faith. Whatever God deems necessary to be given to us in His plan. What I am trying to get at is making God central in your life, making Him your only passion and love.

I fail daily, I know this. I put off reading my Bible, overcoming temptation and other things but I am getting better everyday and even better now that I realize it. God isn't just someone we go to when we have trouble and we aren't Christians just when we are at church or around church friends. We are born again and through this are new, different than when we were in the world. Situations don't define if we are a Christian or not. We should shine forth Christ at all times.

We try to hide and say to look to God and not us but "We are therefore Christ's ambassadors, as though God were making his appeal through us. We implore you on Christ's behalf: Be reconciled to God." (2 Corinthians 5:20). We are supposed to show Christ to the world! Because Christ is supposed to be central in our life.

I try and hide from the world and say "No! Do not look at me for i am human! Look at God!". I do not want to be scrutinized unless they find things about me I hate and do not want. But that is my fault and not God's, I am a sinful man and though God knows my hear man does not. But to give myself further and further to God (as i should have done since my will is dead and God's is alive in me) will improve me! I take pride in that i can do such a thing but my pride is killed because I cannot do anything for God that i not His will and that He does not allow me to do.

It's quite funny really. I had written a draft of this out in a journal and it was nowhere near as long as this. God is good.

Death and Faith

The greatest aspects of faith often involve death. "Count yourself dead to sin" (Romans 6:11),"Put to death the misdeeds of the body" (Romans 8:13), "Put to death, therefore, whatever belongs to your earthly nature." ( Colossians 3:5) just to name a few. Whether it is the death to yourself, and your will, the death of us and our brothers in sisters at the hands of the world or even the death of our loved ones, death and faith go hand in hand in sorts.

Think about it, we're to put to death the old man, our old selves before Christ, that is our will and make new in God's will for our lives. We are to "pick up your cross and follow me (Christ)" (Matthew 16:24). The cross, though a symbol of salvation, undeserved grace and mercy and most of all love, is all a tool of torture, of death and suffering. Yet we are to carry our own as Christ did. Christ went to the cross following God's will and we who are "like Christ" are to follow Christ and are called to follow a will above ours.

Then there is the suffering and death of our brothers and sisters. Even now, as some may or may not have heard, there is an Iranian pastor Youcef Nadarkhani who, for not denying Christ has been sentenced to death. Here is a man, in a country dominated by a religion which will only give you an option of convert or die and yet he still believes. Youcef could be executed at anytime, and he knows this but there he is, no recant, and ready to accept and take what will be given to him. Faith, in the midst of death. A hand in hand, in this instance, of faith and death. To be stared down with an almost guaranteed end and yet our faith, strong still continues. "For me to live is Christ and to die is gain." (Philippians 1:21)

Another example is out brother Stephen, who we have all read about in Acts 7. Stephen stands before the Sanhedrin and High Priest and after speaking 9that's right go read it for yourself) they take Stephen outside and stone Him. Stephen does not show fear but rather stays faithful to God till the end, even praying while he is being stoned to death.

Now, we get to the core of why i wrote this, death of loved ones. I cam up with this when I was visiting my older brother Ron. I never met him, he was born with a hole in his heart and passed away hours after birth. I have only been to see him maybe two to three times, the latter one being just this past wednesday. I stood in the cemetery where he was buried, surrounded by other kids and babies who had not been long in this world and I lost it. I could only glance for a few moments at any of the stones and their inscriptions before I could feel my heart breaking. I thought to myself that, "this is it. This is the greatest act of faith ever. To have your child who spent 9 months growing in you, being a part of you and however much time they did spend in this life with you, ripped out of your arms so violently, so quickly and to still believe in God and that He is good."

I have often had my own explanation as to why evil exists in the world. But that has always been to the question of war, famine and other evils. But never, have I ever had to address it to death, especially death of children. I had always said that evil exists because it must exist. Because to understand God, you must understand that which is in the darkness, is on the other side of the spectrum of God. I cannot say "God is good all the time" if all i have is blessings and smiles. Even during the most evil points in my life and lowest of the lows I must realize God is good. But evil exists also because no one has done anything to quell evil, famine and war. We have been given, by God, the tools to stop it and we don't use it. God's knocking and man isn't answering but that is beside the point as we are getting off topic.

The fact is there will be a time when you ask "why did this happen?" and life won't make sense. I had asked God once, why he had allowed me to go through what I considered the most terrible week ever in my life and the answer I got was "You know I am good and that all things work for Me. Now i am going to make you believe it." Yes, I knew God was good and that His will was over my own but I did not believe it. When things, in a single day turned around and got better I fell to my knees and worshipped God because I realized and knew he was good.

I had to have faith, in that moment of what I considered a dark time. I had nothing to do, no plan, no great escape, nothing. I could do nothing and was powerless and it required faith in God for what I had no power over. I cannot even begin to understand, or explain any of the pain that must come with losing a child, a parent, a loved one and what very well may be the darkest time in any human beings life. I do know however that during that time faith is what is needed, because for all of our cleverness, intelligence, cunning, craftiness, and planning nothing in that moment can truly save us except faith in God.

I am not putting down other things that bring us comfort. Whether they be friends, or family, tea and book or some other way for us to cope as long as we do not forget the God who has provided us with these things. The greatest acts of faith are in the face of death because in those moments when we would rather gnash our teeth, beat upon our chests and wail in agony, God calls us to take comfort in Him.

And for me it was Tuesday...

Chun-Li: My father saved his village at the cost of his own life. You had him shot as you ran away! A hero at a thousand paces.
M. Bison: I'm sorry. I don't remember any of it.
Chun-Li: You don't remember?!
M. Bison: For you, the day Bison graced your village was the most important day of your life. But for me... it was Tuesday.

—Street Fighter: The Movie

Today is, as many of you know obviously, Valentines day. A day for appreciation of loved ones, whether they be family, friends or significant others and yes even our own pets. But for some like myself, it is merely a tuesday. A day that i live with memories of my past relationship failures and try and keep them out of my head, reminding myself i have moved on and I am not that man anymore. But it is a day I do not enjoy facing though in my three years of being single it has become easier and this year, I discovered something: it is just tuesday.

We slap a name on a day, give it a theme and suddenly that day is sought after with anticipation! Valentines day for instance makes the hearts of men and women flutter and groan with "how doth I love you let me count the ways!" and other lovey dovey things. But, as the cliche goes "every day should be Valentines day for you and your (insert relationship status here)!" rings out as well. We even use it at Christmas time with "we should honor the Lord all year round not just on Christmas.". And this is true!

When did it become mandatory for such a thing?! I understand for some couples who might be newlyweds or engaged or just starting out that it might be a big deal but if you think about, haven't they been your valentine all year long? So then what? When you weigh things out do you say "well so and so did this for me on valentines day, so I think I will give him/her another chance!" or do you weight out the relationship as a whole?

For some, today has sucked and it sucks more because the whole day is focused on being romantic and confessing from the rooftops and for some it has been nothing but great because of the immense romantic feelings they have but let me ask each this: what happens tomorrow? What happens when the dawn of the new day begins and yesterday is nothing but vapor in memory? Well kids that's up to you. i am just some crazy guy ranting so what do i know? Just go out and make each day yours.

To Everyone out here...

Happy Valentines Day! I hope the whole day was wonderful and blessed for all of you! Whether with your husband or wife, boyfriend or girlfriend, 50 cats or just you and a bunch of chocolate, I hope it was a blessed day.

Adventure time!

Woo! i am off for a very most epic and exciting weekend. I get to see some friends i have missed and are long overdo for hugs. Hugs and excitement. And trouble. Heh. In the meantime I will leave you with this fun and lovely picture of my friend stabbers and I before the mayhem begins. Have a great and wonderful weekend everyone!

Nice Guys Finish Last part 2

So I ended my last post of nice guys finish last and after a search on tumblr (I'm really regretting these searches anymore) I found that the general consensus isn't the same anymore on viewing nice guys. According to quite a few posts nice guys are worst than the douche bags. Why? because apparently if a guy is acting nice it must mean he is attempting to use his nice act to get you into bed easier. Really? REALLY? Do people honestly believe this? I mean come on. Do people lack so little faith in humans that they believe that to act nice is a ploy just to have sex with a woman?

Granted I could understand the point they make. They try and say that nice guys feel they're entitled to something like sex or dating since they are such nice and wonderful people to the woman. But those people aren't real nice guys because what they want is just to use the woman. A real nice guy wants a relationship, wants something deeper than just sex. I'm a nice guy and i am nice to women and I feel like I am entitled to nothing but their friendship. I'm not looking to have sex with a girl or anything. I am looking for an honest relationship whether that be a romantic one or a friendship one.

Do i expect something? Yes I do. I expect mutual friendship and respect. That's. It. That's all a nice guy wants is simply mutual respect and friendship and you know what? If a guy complains then that's his problem. i have been placed in the "friend zone" quite a few times. Know what I did? I moved on! if she doesn't wanna be with you then she doesn't wanna be with you! Move on nice guys! But don't you dare complain and say "I did this, this,this, this." You were being a friend and you are entitled to nothing but the benefits of being a friend.

Yes, I was even there before and felt entitled and you know what? it destroyed me and I made a lot of bad decisions. That's why i say never feel you are entitled to anything for being someone's friend except respect and friendship. Because if you are just doing things, expecting to be rewarded then there isn't much worth to it is there?

So the main point here I am trying to make is that not all nice guys are just pretending or bad or whiny. Some actual do care and are there for you because they want to be. Don't count them all down and out but to you nice guys you should know that being nice isn't about getting a reward. The only reward is the good feeling and hey if you end up liking a girl and she says no and dates some jerk or something then just move on. You can't control who she likes or is with. Your feelings can move on but you should still be there for her as a friend.