A few weeks back my cousin and her husband came by to give us a dvd they had made of old family films featuring my grandparents, great grandparents and other family that either live too far, or I never had the privilege to meet before they left this world. It got me thinking of how (Lord willing) someday I hope to have a family and how I want to capture our moments together so we can always remember them and just enjoy them when we're old and gray. It was an exhilarating feeling of "wow I can't wait to be married an save these moments!" Course life isn't like that.
Despite my being a hopeless romantic I also have an understanding that relationships sometimes aren't all their cracked up to be. My parents have their moments of peace, of happiness and love but there are also this moments of strife, sadness, and pain. It goes along with the territory. We're human and no human is perfect. What does this have to do with my reasoning behind not being married? Because despite my occasional rose colored glasses I am self aware that I have my shortcomings.
I'm lazy, often unmotivated, I listen to my fears a whole lot more, I'm not particularly disciplined and can often be irresponsible. Ooof yeah that's a REAL catch right there ladies. This brings me to a realization. I'm in now way ready to spend the rest of my life with a person.
We bring a lot of baggage into relationships whether we want to or not. Whether its our expectations, our experiences, our hang ups, shortcomings, fears, etc we bring them kicking and screaming with us. Sometimes its positive, expectations can lead us to being better people but can alas leave us feeling disappointed when really there is no reason to be. It all comes down to understanding yourself. I mean heck I can barely take care of myself how am I going to take care of another person and eventually more when we start having kids?!
I believe in not wasting time messing around with someone if you're not intending to marry them. That leads to wasted time, energy, and hurt feelings that build up. I learned that until I fix myself, and until I am mature enough tot ale on all the things come with a relationship (the fights, the traveling, the date planning,etc) its best i don't waste anyones time or hurt them. As much as I'd love to jump in and enjoy the same relationships so many of my friends are experiencing I know that I am not ready. Someday but not today. Is it hard? Oh yes believe me it is. But someday I'll say "I do" to that person and go "wow you were well worth the wait!"
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