A thanks in a moment of clarity

Saw an old person I follow made one final update to their blog. It was an update detailing what's recently occurred ( 3 years after the last post) in their life and how they didn't need their blog anymore. they learned a lot about life recently (having a child) and during that time came to a conclusion that made them understand that they wouldn't need their blog anymore. It made me think that someday I may not need this blog. I may not need to write everything here and someday I may put up a post that says "the end". But that day isn't today because my "character development" continues. The people I meet, my experiences, my own development. Granted someday it will come to an end. I'll reach a place where I will just do the things I need to do. The place where my development into a man, into an adult, into the person God really intends me to be, finally exists. Someday. I lie awake at night and think of that person that will write that final entry and will I find him one day. Someday.

Thank you to the owner of the blog "The Playground", I screenshot your last post so I can always read it, always be encouraged by it. Sometimes I lie awake and think about it so I can be encouraged to face another day and say to myself, "I think I can". You may bever see this but you helped change me a little and I thank you for that.

The Steps (not) Taken

It's been an unimpressive year and frankly, an unimpressive life. Years ago I felt like I was steamrolling forward, going into my future when WHAM. I hit a wall. Got kicked out of school, my brother got sick, my father's illness worsened, I got a job that requires me to be home all the time. I went from carefree young adult to a young adult with a weight thrust upon him. "I never asked for any of this" is the quote that plays over and over in my head. This wasn't my ideal life situation I imagined. I'm supposed to be in Colorado, working on or done with my master's degree and finding a wife, a church to be a youth pastor over. Life was a railroad that I knew where destination led. Then it derailed and here I am. Sure, there are those who would say it was all one big learning experience but I'm not thinking that way. I'm thinking that if it's a learning experience, why hasn't things changed? Why haven't I gone up to the next level?

There's that voice though inside, the Holy Spirit, that answers: because you're NOT learning. I suppose that's true. I haven't become a master of my finances yet, I've picked up a bad habit in order to cope with stress and I even find myself looking forward to drinking more (when I go out that is) than I should. Man, I am a mess, aren't I? But then how do I change? How do I stop it? By simply willing myself to do it? Yeah well I'm a prime textbook example of "the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak". How do I do it? The Spirit says to take it day by day but I just don't know if I can. Ugh. What am I even doing with myself?