It's been an unimpressive year and frankly, an unimpressive life. Years ago I felt like I was steamrolling forward, going into my future when WHAM. I hit a wall. Got kicked out of school, my brother got sick, my father's illness worsened, I got a job that requires me to be home all the time. I went from carefree young adult to a young adult with a weight thrust upon him. "I never asked for any of this" is the quote that plays over and over in my head. This wasn't my ideal life situation I imagined. I'm supposed to be in Colorado, working on or done with my master's degree and finding a wife, a church to be a youth pastor over. Life was a railroad that I knew where destination led. Then it derailed and here I am. Sure, there are those who would say it was all one big learning experience but I'm not thinking that way. I'm thinking that if it's a learning experience, why hasn't things changed? Why haven't I gone up to the next level?
There's that voice though inside, the Holy Spirit, that answers: because you're NOT learning. I suppose that's true. I haven't become a master of my finances yet, I've picked up a bad habit in order to cope with stress and I even find myself looking forward to drinking more (when I go out that is) than I should. Man, I am a mess, aren't I? But then how do I change? How do I stop it? By simply willing myself to do it? Yeah well I'm a prime textbook example of "the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak". How do I do it? The Spirit says to take it day by day but I just don't know if I can. Ugh. What am I even doing with myself?
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