Where are you, O dead man?

I am dead. No, not literally, that's just silly. Spiritually though. I'm not really in a crisis of faith I'm just...laying here. Well maybe I'm dying more like it but I'm definitely not who I used to be. I think my laziness has gotten the best of me in this time and I've just been so, so, overloaded. Life took turns this year that has me burnt out. So much that I just don't want to do anything anymore. I was doing so well at the beginning of the year but now I feel like a chair has been kicked out from under me.

My Bible, as I am ashamed to admit has sat on the floor in the same spot for months. My books on theology and faith sit unread and collecting dust. I'm not reading my daily devotional like I used to and I feel drained spiritually. Life just has a way of getting away from us, doesn't it? Things so simple int he beginning feels like a weight now. I find myself motivated, late at night but still don't do anything. The "well its the only time to myself I have throughout the day" really takes its toll on the things I want to do vs the things I OUGHT to do.

It becomes a tedious, difficult challenge that feels more like pulling teeth than doing something that sparks joy in my heart. I am ashamed of it. I never would've done this before but it's taken such a toll on me this year. Even trying to write more just seems so difficult to do here. The once hungry man is simply dead in the water. I hungered for more but no longer. I feel dried and shriveled up.

But I can take that step to fix it. Why don't I? I'm scared. Scared of what the future hold for me. I know I'm teetering at a point that will define my life. I feel it calling to me. The weight of the future and responsibility, real adulthood looking me in the face and it scares me. So keep running. I'm a coward. I'm not even dead I just don't want to face the truth and give up these negative things that I've held onto the last few years. They were a comfort to me and if I throw them away what am I?

A new man. But who is that man? What will he do? What will he say? I want to know and yet, I am afraid.

"The first step is always the hardest"-a close and dear friend

I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do.-Romans 7:15

RESPONSIBILITY

Ah responsibility, my arch-nemesis. I've struggled with being a responsible person my entire life. I remember the after school lectures in elementary school on my way home with my mother about "taking responsibility for your work and getting the things done you need to get done". This is probably the most significant moment in my life where I can say she was definitely right. I DO need to take responsibility. Recent events in life pushed me to just being burnt out, at least that is what I tell myself but I just feel so...unmotivated. That's definitely led to my current troubles and I will solve them it's just stressful and I wish I wasn't the type of person who procrastinated and messed up like this so much. 

But I take that path because, to me, it's the least resistance. It's so easy to let the work pile up, the work goes undone and lets things get worse and worse. It stares me in front of my dumb face and I let it win! It's embarrassing. I don't want to be embarrassed anymore. I want to be better. I WILL be better. 

-Ben Franklin