So Long and Goodnight

I'm a very nostalgic person. I think about the past a lot and the way those moments in the past made me feel and make me feel today. Old stores that are now gone, walking to school and back, what it was like seeing people's faces every day at school, AOL messenger, things like that.  Nostalgic things. Because of this, I've found it hard to let things go and keep old notes, reminders, and the like to always remember. Until recently that is. I've been cleaning my room up and I've been getting rid of things that I held onto for years for fond memories. Some of it is just plain junk that simply reminds me of where it came from. "Oh, this wheel came off a broken dollar store scooter that a friend gave me!" Yeah like that.

 It's frankly amazing now that I think of it and say these things out loud. A lot of the memories are still there and I can recall them so clearly. There are other things though. The excitement I felt putting up my light strings in my room by myself one day and the ambience, learning to make blank CDs into masterpieces, just feelings and memories all intertwined in here! 

But I think part of that held me back also. I was still that teenage kid sitting at his computer for hours doing nothing but now I mean come on I'm 31! I can't anymore! I have to grow up and change. Those things weren't bad but I was lingering for too long. I don't know who I'll be at the end of this journey. I think this is something like "me for years to come or permanently". But if I am a good man and I like who I am is that a bad thing? Guess time will tell. 

I think this is my goodbye to all those things I threw away and placed into boxes for safekeeping. Part of me wants to leap up and dig it all back out. But I don't think that would be the answer. So I am putting it to rest. Here we go. 

Forward, man! Forward!

 I suppose I've been running for a long time now. Running away from the daunting fear of "adulthood" or rather, responsibility. I don't want to face it because I feel it would be a sort of death of the young man inside me. It's like I've built this persona and lived it for so long that the idea of putting it away frightens me. I think I've been stuck for too long without really DEALING with the idea that I have to develop myself into an adult and actually face my responsibilities and challenges when they come my way. 

I think it stems from my lack of experiencing my 20's like the time for "growth and stupid decisions". Instead of going out of state with friends, to concerts, staying out late at night, and so on, I was at home, taking care of my family and trying my best to make sure they were okay. I held onto the "Oh you'll get to experience that stuff, don't worry" and eventually the "Man, I wasted my best years!" for so long that now I have come to the conclusion that I have been putting off doing what needed to be done. 

Let's talk about what brought this on. I'm currently taking apart my room and in doing so I have come across A LOT of stuff from past versions of myself. I've found old schoolwork since elementary, college notes, cringe-inducing poetry from my hopeless romantic days, and lots of things I've held onto over the years. There is a lot of history here in my room about me and I've had to face down memory lane and let go of a lot of it. Old things that reminded me of a store that shut down over a decade ago in my neighborhood, CDs I mixed when I first got Itunes and started buying music, posters from videogames of years past and so much more. Even my Halloween lights that have been up for years and barely used are getting taken down. I look at a lot of this stuff and I think "what happened to me?" I changed. 

People grow into and out of things. I used to wear wrist cuffs and a dozen or so rings on my fingers and half a dozen necklaces but now my arms are bare, my fingers empty and my neck hairs don't get pulled on by cheap chains. I changed. I'm looking at different clothes than just black horror shirts (okay they're still in my closet I haven't changed drastically yet), I'm trying to be productive, shed my laziness and so much more. But I think we should look at what really pushed me into this. 

Last year was a tough year. In the beginning, I tried to take a journey to better myself and do what I thought would lead me onto my path into adulthood. I was wrong because the world kept trying to end every other day. Kind of soured the mood. In that time though I found a lot of pages on Instagram that eventually led me to, an answer to a question that burned in my mind for a long time.  "What does it mean to be a man?" I've thought this for years and never really had an answer. Oh sure there was the usual at first: a man is strong, a man is brave, a man is a protector! But, those never really seemed like the answer I was looking for. 

That is until I started following more pages on Instagram dedicated to masculinity, traditional men, and the likes. I came up with the answer finally: a man knows what he ought to do and does it. That's it. that was my answer. I figured this out and I was going to put it into action! Yes, the action was what I wanted! I realized that that was what was missing from my life! Action! To get up and do something! Oh sure, I was doing plenty around my house with work never seeming to end but I felt like that's what other people wanted, not what I wanted. 

I decided I was going to get up, motivate myself, and get things done because I had let them just sit there and pile up for so long! I am not saying I am cured, it is always a work in progress but it seems I got the fire lit under me that I needed. From there my brain started going haywire but really it came down to "what happened to the man that would____" or "what happened to you liking____" and things like that. I used to destroy books, have an actual attention span and energy! What happened to that guy?

So now with the new year, I decided to try and get back into a groove. Develop myself, take action, and run into new adventures. So that brings me back to my room. I started first by clearing up things that needed to be cleaned, taken care of, and taken out. Old frayed posters, things that have been collecting dust, disorganized, and neglected desk. I dunno I can't explain it. Something inside me wanted something DIFFERENT. I work in my room for hours, I take care of my family still and do things around the house but for some reason, I'm not depressed or burdened by it. I feel good about it. I think I should and I think I am doing good. I think I can do this. This is a starting point. The gun has gone off and I am going to run this race. Happy New year to me.