So Long

 A few weeks ago, I ran into an old friend I hadn't seen in forever at a store I was shopping at. To say I was happy and surprised to see her is an understatement. I can still feel the smile I had on my face from seeing and talking to her. It was a great moment. So why does it feel so wrong now? 

As soon as we walked away from each other, it came creeping up. "She wasn't as happy to see you as you were happy to see her." I pushed the thought away, but it kept playing in my mind. I walked away, smiling. I turned and looked, and there she was, continuing her shopping as if nothing had happened to change her day at all. I thought it was a monumental moment, but to her, it was, well, whatever. 

I shouldn't be surprised when I write this, but I haven't heard from her in a while now. We actually had been talking back and forth on social media for a few weeks, reconnecting, when I saw her. Since then? Radio Silence. At first, I felt that it was just a negative thought trying to take root. Now, it was a warning, a reminder. Those things had changed so long ago between us after an event, and so did our friendship. 

Honestly, I always tried to get us back to where we were before, but it just never happened. Nothing ever worked; she was always at arm's length away, and now I feel like it's an entire country's length away. So, here I am, ranting and raving about it because it's better than facing the truths I keep trying to push away. 

I...am hurt. I feel unseen and shunned. She's done it before. Made me feel as though I am not even a second-place prize but nothing more than a participation trophy! Because there's always SOMEONE ELSE that comes, and she reminds me that I'm only here until something better comes along. I never wanted to face those feelings because it was easier to think I could fix whatever was wrong and go back to the way things were. but, truth be told, I am so tired of getting my hopes up and thinking that we could go back to how it was. 

I hold onto that memory of who you were, but it is nothing more than a molted skin, and now you are someone else entirely. I tried to embrace the new you, and it's clear that I'm not wanted. I'll take the hint, I'll stop trying, and I hope you're happy. I do, because I hope you are satisfied with who you are today. I want you to be nothing but happy. It is a shame I can't be a part of it. 

Times They Are A Changin

 Whoa. Well, here I am again. It's been a long while, hasn't it? A lot has changed, and life has flowed on. I don't know why I'm here. It always helped me clear my head when I blogged, and so I decided to try it again. So, hello, I'm Robert. Let's continue. 

The best thoughts to process first are about nostalgia, that bittersweet fruit that seems to be on everyone's mind these days. I see it all over social media. The old cartoons and shows, the old food and snacks, even talking about schooldays! I didn't care for school much because it got in the way of all those other things people think of when talking about nostalgia. But I did enjoy the social aspect of it. Seeing friends, the school events, the feelings on Fridays, Holidays, and that legendary last day for summer break (it was short-lived; I was constantly in summer school)! 

But recently, it's been hitting me extra hard, and I've really noticed how many years have passed. I recognize my street, the other streets, neighbors' houses, but it's the differences that I've started to notice. Houses are getting painted, new street signs are being installed, new neighbors are moving in, and new people are arriving. It's the same and yet different. The feelings that are so ingrained in my emotions and mind from the past are struggling to keep up with it all. 

I think of the way the sun's rays felt years ago, and now it all feels so different. It could be because of the change within me, rather than the world around me. I HAVE changed. I had to, needed to, to truly handle the responsibility I have. All these feelings stem from my journey toward becoming the adult I am, and my distance from the child/young man I was so long ago. 

So, onward, to the character development. 

Closing Time 2: They're not that person anymore

 Previously I talked about the changes of life and how each season brings about a different person we become at that time. I certainly am not the person I was a year ago or even 3 months ago. So I was quite shocked to stumble onto the fact that I didn't figure out one key thing: this happens to everyone. 

I was listening to music the other day, and this song brought back memories and nostalgia. It reminded me of a friend from high school and the things we would talk about when we hung out, how we acted, and the memories we made. It was then that I realized that over the years, that friend wasn't who they were back then. I can say now that, naturally, they changed into a new person. We all change at some point. 

But it made me wish I could go back and experience those things again, to see that person I fell in love with again. But things change. People change, sometimes into things and people we don't recognize anymore. Here's to the memories. 

For this season: only here for a limited time

Life. A funny, strange thing. One day the world is boring and mundane and you can set a watch to each event that's going to happen throughout the day. Then, one day, poof! You're thrown into a maelstrom you weren't expecting or even wanting! Suddenly things are different, unsure, and frightening. Those peaceful but boring days are gone. 

That is where I find myself now. If I had written this before today I'd say "I'm standing on the edge of a deep hole and can't see the bottom." Well, today I took that plunge into the hole and into the unknown. Now I'm free falling and all I've got is hope and a promise. They both say the same thing: everything is going to be okay. 

I can't truly say what this circumstance is, only that it requires a mountain of faith. I wasn't even sure I was a "mountain of faith" kind of guy but here I am willing to even try talking to a rock for water than go through THIS. But go through it I must. The irony of it all is I remember my last post and I can say with certainty I am not the guy I was a month ago. 

I'm also not the guy I was when I first wrote the above piece. That draft was in September of last year (2022), and here we are in June (2023). A whole new year and new experiences have come down the pipe and it's already led to the year being half over! Time really does fly. But what can be said about my earlier observation? It's still very much true. I'm not who I was last year, 6 months ago, or even last month. Growth and change have occurred from everything that's happened. 

I'd love to expound more but that's for a longer blog post series I am going to be doing. Stay tuned! 

Closing time: You're not that guy anymore

 One of the stranger things I find myself being nostalgic for (other than Saturday morning cartoons) is who I used to be. I suppose THIS is what growing up and maturing really is. Looking at the world through the lens of reality instead of the embarrassingly romantic glasses I used to wear. Okay, occasionally I still put them on but I think I'm a bit more of a realist at this point in my life. 

I often think of who I used to be years ago or the things I used to do. Like the guy that would go and sit at Starbucks to write and listen to music (that guy had poor time management) or the guy that was banking on bumping into the love of his life at some party or event and getting married (I am at the point where I've given up on relationships) and the guy that used to be happy. Okay, it's not that I'm NOT happy, it's that I find that I have changed in ways that leave me unsatisfied with the life I'm living now you know? 

I think what I miss most was the freedom I had to be those people and growing older, taking on more responsibilities has stifled some of that. I feel like my creative juices are being stopped up and I have only enough time for a passing glance at being who I really am. Maybe that's what has gotten me so worked up to write tonight. I'm just stuck in this environment. But with being stuck I have had the chance to shift gears and pick up on my strengths and weaknesses. Maybe that's what maturity is all about, developing and becoming who you are. Wonder who I'll be at the end?

Well, this isn't entirely about that but a send-off of those people I used to be. Some parts are still left floating there but I'm entirely new. So hey, thanks for the memories guys, but those days are over and there is just the me I am now. Maybe I'll say bye someday to this me too? Guess I'll wait and see. 

This has inspired me to go searching through some old stuff and see what I find! Time to take a stroll down memory lane! 

Testament of a Man

 "What does it mean to be a man?" I remember asking myself that many, many years ago. I thought, at first, that it was when you lost your virginity as the thought was prevalent back years ago. Then I thought "it's just when you hit 21 and you're legally allowed to do whatever!". But there was always some yearning for understanding, truly understanding of what it meant to be a man. 

Years later I found a sort of answer. I'm not even certain of how I came to it really (I think I have that event recorded somewhere) but I came to the realization that: A man knows what he has to do and does it. Maybe it was some sort of inspirational post on social media, maybe it was from an article or website post but that was my answer. It's helped to motivate me away from my laziness and apathy to drive me forward. 

Later, during the time when my mother had her knee replaced I had full reign of the house and the responsibilities. It came down to "building a better man". I reached out previously and prayed "Lord make me a man and man of God!". I wanted to be the non-faith-driven version of man and a man worthy of being called "a man of God". I was given the challenge and I went for it pretty much meeting the challenge and I felt good about myself. 

This week though, I was faced with such a great challenge that it reminded me that, you're always learning, always growing and the lesson never truly stops. I was faced with a family crisis that really pushed me beyond my limits emotionally, physically and tested my faith even. At the moment this week, I felt weak, powerless and so very, very tired. But I kept the course. I sought the Lord in the moments where I had no control and felt powerless. I thought of two things. 

One, that old song, "leaning on everlasting arms", remind me where I had to draw strength from. I prayed like I never prayed before just completely at the mercy of everything at that moment. The second was a faint memory of the words "the fires of tribulation creates patience". I couldn't remember whether I heard that from a Pastor or from some post online but when I went searching I stumbled upon a bible verse. 

Romans 5:3-And not only so, but we glory in tribulations also, knowing that tribulation worketh patience;

That really hit me and got me going. I laid it all at the feet of God. Everything was in His hands because I had no answer, nothing at that moment. Things have gotten better and each day I am trying to rely on God, seeking the truth to keep myself going. because as a man of God I am learning that it isn't my strength but God's mercy, power, and love that kept me going and keeps me going. 

I don't know what else to say but I am thankful to God for leading me, teaching me to be a true, better man. The lessons continue. The character development continues. 

To Build A Better Man

 "Everybody has a plan until they get punched in the mouth." -Mike Tyson

I take that quote to heart a lot these days. Pretty much, things don't ever go as planned. I'm talking about life and the turns it's taken in the last 9 weeks and really since last year. Basically, the entire structure of my home life now pretty much depends on me. No pressure right? I went from handling things as easy as paperwork to making sure bills are paid, information is gathered, doctor's appointments are arranged, just everything! 

Things have been difficult. I won't lie. There are nights I am dragging my feet to crawl into bed for the taste of rest and waking up still exhausted. I've had to be patient, learn new things about how to do them around the house, and really new things about myself. Sometimes it seems like it'll never end. But then that's not why I titled this post as such.

After two weeks of captaining this boat, I had a thought, a phrase cross my mind. "To build a better man". I realized that this was a trial and chance to be forged new. I have for years wondered to myself "what does it mean to be a man?" Before I had thought I found the answer: a man does what he knows he has to do. Seems simple right? Well the good Lord saw fit for me to finally expand on that. 

"I'm going to show you what it means to be a man. To build discipline in you, and to show you how to take initiative and lead." To say I was surprised was an understatement. i was getting my answer just not the way I wanted it (you'd think I'd have figured it out you can't always get what you want) 

The title is exactly the words that I heard in my head a few nights ago. Recently, life has taken a turn for the interesting and difficult. I won't go into full details but I have gained full reign of basically running the house for a while. A heap of new responsibilities has been toppled on top of me. But with new responsibilities come new frustrations. 

I'm not going to sit here and lie to you. It's been hard. Trying to break old habits, learn new ones, new ways of doing things, and trying not to get overwhelmed or frustrated. Needless to say, I've been living off of coffee and music for the last week. But it has opened my eyes to understanding some things. Like how I was missing key parts of being a true, functioning adult. 

This year I wanted it to be a year of working on myself and improving the areas I feel I am lacking in. Like responsibility, controlling my spending, being disciplined, etc. Basically trying to do things I feel any well-equipped, real adult does. Things certainly have a way of "falling into place". Recent events have forced me to take the reigns and do something, I think the most prominent thing I am fighting against is my own laziness and not taking action. it is difficult, the ground is rough but I am getting used to it and actually trying. 

The title comes from me being in the midst of all the things falling into my lap and hearing a voice tell me "to build a better man." I want to change. I want to be different. Be dependable, be strong, to build me into someone reliable. I don't want to be this fool of a man anymore. I want and I am going forward.