Halloween time is near

And i am broke! gah! I hate being broke around Halloween time! I want my room to look awesome for it but man I am broke. I was going to use my money I get each month for it but this month of September took me for a ride and with it my money. Dang it. It sucks because just as I am broke they come out with some pretty awesome things! I could use the money I am going to get in october but I really wanna go to Knott's scary farm so that is about 50 dollars gone! Gah! Lame. So I guess we'll see but it is severely frustrating to not be able to do anything. Bleh

Just a glimpse

Last week on Sunday on my adventure to the CVS near my house I got a wonderful surprise when I stepped outside. The way the sun sat, the temperature and all the nice small breeze all came together and gave me a glimpse into what I like to call, "The October Country". There is just a feeling that October carries with itself that I love, the feeling of the changing of the seasons, the leaves raining down, the nice cool evening, the sunsets and so much more that I can;t even begin to convey with words.

The inspiration for calling it that comes from a book that bears the name by Ray Bradbury that I can't remember how many times I have read. In the book he gives the perfect description of what October feels like (I'll post this at the end) and so Sunday just had me in such a great mood in the evening time and combined with music made for a great end to the day. Then this past Friday (the 23rd) marked the first day of Fall and once that day had come and gone the weather took a dramatic but welcomed turn. The weather now bears more chilly mornings, cool, evening with a nice breeze and wonderful nights. I have to think I prefer fall and winter as my favorite seasons.

I look forward to this fall and what it holds, especially for the coming rains and wonderful night filled with tea and books. Oh the books.

...the country where it is always turning late in the year. That country where the hills are fog and the rivers are mist; where noons go quickly, dusks and twilights linger, and midnights stay. That country composed in the main of cellars, sub-cellars coal-bins, closets, attics and pantries faced away from the sun. That country whose people are autumn people, thinking only autumn thoughts. Whose people passing at night on the empty walks sound like rain...

Peace to you

"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world. " John 16:33

My dear friend Kellen posted this as her status on facebook the other day and i cannot describe the encouragement it gave me. Life has been a up and down roller coaster right now for me but I am happy there is still encouragement the lord is sending me. :)

An Answer to Absolution

I wrote a few weeks back a note called Absolution. I was in a state when something from my past was brought up and thrown at me and it just brought back a lot of crap. It reminded me of every mistake, every stupid choice, wrong move and evil I've done. It brought back the voices and ghosts I've tried so hard to forget and kill. Then after that, at church, a fellow sister took form me my notebook I write my thoughts and what I hear in church in and wrote something in it. This is what she wrote in it:

Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.

Romans 8:1

I was surprised to say the least that she had suddenly wrote this to me, out of the blue. I started thinking about it and was trying to follow the pastor's message as well but what I came to was this: Peace abounds, I'm forgiven and the Lord has forgiven me. Despite people remembering my short comings, my mistakes and bad actions, God has forgiven me for those and doesn't hold them against me. I'm free from those. I often have a hard time forgiving myself for the things I have done but God has forgiven me and that gives me peace. I understand now people aren't always going to forget though they may forgive. I guess that is something we'll have to live with but it is honestly better than the alternative.

Problems

I'm so sick and tired of there never being any peace in this house. It's just plain stupid and this isn't how adults should act. I woke up Sunday to the wonderful sound of my parents yelling again and i instantly wanted to crawl back into bed and just sleep. It's always the same thing, my mom says something, my dad responds, then she gets angry and says more things and then he starts his crap and it just becomes a jumbled up mess. I cannot understand how my dad always walks into these things. Sure, my mom starts it but come on dad you don't have to respond to her when she is like that. If he'd keep his mouth shut he'd lose his head a lot less.

And it's always the same thing over and over, talks about past mistakes and regrets of getting married and everything. It get's old really quick when i hear their arguments over and over again. I've already come to terms that I won't be anything like them when I get married and I certainly won't be a husband like my father. What's worse is one or both of them always plys the victim during these arguments.

My dad goes on and on about how only God is his judge for what he has done, my mother talking about how we take her for granted and when she is gone we'll see how everything falls apart and other lovely and wonderful stuff like that. It's just so...i don't even have a word to describe it other than saying it majorly sucks! So yeah this is the fun I live with. A world full of angry voices and people trying to one up each other by saying the worst things they could possibly say to one another. Oh the joy of it all.

Honestly Honest

The way I write is rather interesting. I don't really write with the intent in mind of someone seeing my writing, so much as I write to empty my thoughts and get them in order so I can better understand them. I write as if no one will ever read them, for fear that I'll add something or leave something and lose the point of my writing. So what you see here is truth, all of it. This is me.

Good days have found us

I often talk about the voices inside my head. For starters no I am not crazy, this is what i call my thoughts that more often than not plague me. But now recently I have noticed something about my thoughts/voices. they're calmer, they're happy. It's not a loud drum of confusion or self pity or depression but voices of praise and happiness. I'm happy, I am honestly happy and it feels wonderful. I'm blessed and i never realized it. It's gone, all my weight, insecurities (okay most of them), and just...I'm at peace. but i can't ever forget this is a gift from God and i have a mission. Die to myself and live completely and wholly for Christ.

Absolution

Will I never be free of the mistakes I have made? Will I always be reminded, of what I have done? There are a range of things that people know i have done, my not so proud moments you know? I know we all have them and what's worse is that there are people who remember them and the worst part is they can bring it up whenever they feel like it, which is usually at the most worst times. I just have to ask, "Why?" Why can't the past just stayed buried? Do I have to keep reliving all of it just so I don;t forget my own stupidity? I know what I have done and I am the one who has to live with it everyday so why is it so many people must know and remember? Why do I have to keep suffering for what I did when I have learned my lesson? What's more, why did they have to bring it up?

I've got some imperfections
But how can you collect them all
And throw them in my face?

-Staind "Right Here"