Christmas Lights

So yeah it's finally happening. Those dreaded feeling are being dragged up as the fall season goes on and winter fast approaches. Ha ha ha I should have known it was inevitable as the thoughts creep up about, well, cuddling. I have no idea why but I associate winter with romance for some reason. I'm pretty sure it has to do with when I had a gf in high school one time and just, the feeling of giving her a gift and listening to blink 182 (I know I'm sappy) and just spending time together.

And just...how it's cold and you keep each other cold by cuddling up close and I don't know i just want that warmth and closeness. The feeling of romance and just yeah. I know there is God and nothing honestly compares to the feeling of closeness to Him but i do like feeling another person to next to me too. Ha ha I guess I am just a hopeless romantic. So I think I'll stick with pillow cuddling for now but I at least have books to keep me company and I think I will be buying new tea this month to enjoy during the cold days and nights so I suppose not all is so bad. :)

The Greatest Command

"The best things in life are gift from the One who steadfastly loves us. But an important question to ask ourselves is this: Are we in love with God o just His stuff?" -Francis Chan "Crazy Love"

This was a quote from Francis Chan's book crazy love that I am reading currently. This one took me for a loop. I mean I don't know honestly how to answer that. When it comes to God what am I in love with? Do I strive for only salvation form torment? Part of me says yes but then there is another part. It cries out, pulls at my heart, at the core of my being that I want to be close to my creator, my savior. There's a part of me that wants to scream "Yes! I love my God!" But it's so hard.

I mean, I am still trying to figure out this whole love thing. I don't exactly have many things which scream out "THIS IS LOVE" or anything like that other than what the Word tells me about God being love. But I try and imagine it like this:

Imagine God is one of your friends in school, or form church or work. Now when you go over to God's house and see Him in all of splendor and glory and you keep going over there, you have to ask yourself why. "Why do I keep coming over?" Is it because he has a cool flat screen, or the latest games? Or is it because of something on the inside about Him? Could be he is a wonderful host, never boring, always there for you or has something to say? That there is something about His personality that draws you to Him?

That's how I broke it down. Why? Because I imagined God as one of my friends, who are some of the most important to me. It made me realize, I love Him because of what He is about not because of His gifts and things. Those are just things that come with being friends with Him, but they're not the reason for loving Him. i could say it's the peace He gives me, how happy I am and yet that still isn't enough to say, there's more and I feel i don't quite have that answer yet but it's there. Somewhere.

Sick and Tired

I am so sick and tired of you taking out your emotions on other people. So you don't feel good, you're tired and you apparently want to be left alone because "too many people depend on you", well then go lie down and calm yourself. All i did was ask you what was wrong. You had no right to take it out on me. Whatever, I am growing sick and tired of you playing the victim. If you need help, ask for it! Don't assume we're going to know what it is you want. Just tell us. How hard is that. But that wouldn't help your tyrant rule would it? I am just so tired of you. Forget it. I don't care anymore.

If only they'd look closer

The theme of this weekend seems to be people assuming they know me. For instance my older sister seems to believe she knows the reasoning behind certain things about me. Why i do not have a job, why I do not have my license and why I am not doing well in school. Her main theory being my mother simply hasn't pushed me enough, or helped me strive to better myself. Then there is my dad, who when he and my get into fights, thinks I am simply siding with my mother because of all the things she has done for me (i.e. buy me things). He claims I discriminate against him due to this.

A little background here. My dad is sick. He many years ago had to have an emergency brain operation due to a blood clot in his brain and afterwards it left him paralyzed. So my dad was there but we never did things together like father and son do. My sister is significantly older (as is all my siblings as I am adopted) and she was already married when I came along (though since then she has divorced and remarried) so she never really spent time with me. Neither of them really do at all. I mean my dad can't so it's understandable and all but my sister never got to know me for me.

Both of them have this belief of a certain aspect and part of me but neither of them have gone to actually asked me why. Why I do not have a job, why i do not have a car and such. They don't know the real me and honestly its annoying they make these claims about me. I have my reasons for a lot of things and the fact they have no respect but to assume things about me instead of asking is hurtful. All I can do is pray for peace in m soul and to tame my tongue and watch what I say. It's a real mess and I hope it solved soon because it is causing nothing but trouble.

I think the worst part of it all is both of them in their own way blame my mother for something. Neither of them know what she has to go through, what pain she has to feel, and the responsibilities she has.

Cuddle weather

The weather has decided to take a turn for the cold (FINALLY!!) and it caught me off guard. Had to dig a bit for my sweatshirt but I found it yes!! But also I must restock on tea as this weather is perfect for my late night/early morning tea drinking. But this weather also makes me wish I had someone to cuddle with! Alas I do not as I am still very much single and inviting anyone to cuddle with me is a strange request indeed. So I take it in stride and hug my pillow or just wear more layers to bed.

Which strangely I end up taking off apparently as I woke up in just the shirt I slept in and not the extra pajama one i was wearing. I don't remember taking it off. How strange. Hopefully this is one time event as I do not wish for the cold to kill me. But yes wonderful tea drinking weather and cuddling weather ahead! Hopefully I encounter one of those strange days where it was only 4 in the afternoon and I could see my breath outside. WHich to me is strange for California weather but it was kind of exciting! A rare day indeed.

I also am looking forward to Christmas. Not because of gifts or anything but because of the family time, the warmth it brings in a sort of comfort and such you know? I dunno I'll write more later on it. Anyway have a nice weekend everyone! Peace and blessings!

Halloween

I completely forgot to post about halloween or really how my month of october went so here it is! Sadly, I didn't end up doing anything for Halloween this year but stay in and go on a sugar binge sadly. The month really wasn't that exciting minus a few exceptions which escape me at the moment. Curse you memory. But yes it was still a good month and i look forward to the last of this year since fall/winter is one of my favorites. And besides there is always next year for Halloween and I have some definite epic ideas for next year! :D

...but the greatest of these is love

For some time now I have always been trying to figure out what love was and is. I could never put it into words or give it a proper definition and whenever I asked someone about what love was I always got a different response. But I suppose in some way I am learning. I think about what I always thought love was. A strong feeling, maybe some actions you reserve only for a special person thrown in and just an eventual agreement of getting married. But there is more to it than that.

Honestly I am still figuring it out but I can say at least one thing: God is love. That's what love is supposed to be. Even then I can't put it into words but when it comes to God something in me just says give it all and love Him. Just...let it go. It talks about love in the Bible and God is all those things! I mean we read it so many different times but when we say "I love you" to someone it's just so important. I think we forgot what those words mean.

It means so much more than "i feel this strong emotion for you", it means I am willing to be patient, I am willing to forgive, I am willing to open myself up and hope you don't hurt me. It means...it means...I don't know! It just can't be fathomed and its something so great and wonderful. And people never stop to realize how much hurt really goes into a persons heart when they hurt other people who they're supposed to love. I mean when they hurt you, it never feels good does it? Yet we can hurt them and not even bat an eyelash. It makes no sense!

But that is love I suppose. I'm slowly learning what love is and unlearning what the world taught about love. Someday I'll figure it out and when I do I'll share it with all of you!