Idiocy and adulthood

Do you ever just meet people and look at them and go:"this is not what adults/grown people act like!"? Yeah that's me currently as my family again makes me question whether or not adulthood is all its cracked up to be. Just ugh the idiocy. Sometimes they're so stubborn or just refusing to understand or hear someone else's point of view it is maddening. 

This comes in light of my mother calling out internet provider who she feels "is refusing to try and assist us in getting a better deal" when its simply the policy of the company to charge us since we have a bundle of connected things. Easy to understand right? Whelp not according to my mother. Yeeeah no if this is adulthood I don't want it. 

WHy do people have to be so stubborn, and difficult? The world would be a better place if people would just CONSIDER looking at another point of view. Makes me wanna head/desk so hard. Ugh. 

Why I'm not married

A few weeks back my cousin and her husband came by to give us a dvd they had made of old family films featuring my grandparents, great grandparents and other family that either live too far, or I never had the privilege to meet before they left this world. It got me thinking of how (Lord willing) someday I hope to have a family and how I want to capture our moments together so we can always remember them and just enjoy them when we're old and gray. It was an exhilarating feeling of "wow I can't wait to be married an save these moments!" Course life isn't like that.

Despite my being a hopeless romantic I also have an understanding that relationships sometimes aren't all their cracked up to be. My parents have their moments of peace, of happiness and love but there are also this moments of strife, sadness, and pain. It goes along with the territory. We're human and no human is perfect. What does this have to do with my reasoning behind not being married? Because despite my occasional rose colored glasses I am self aware that I have my shortcomings.

I'm lazy, often unmotivated, I listen to my fears a whole lot more, I'm not particularly disciplined and can often be irresponsible. Ooof yeah that's a REAL catch right there ladies. This brings me to a realization. I'm in now way ready to spend the rest of my life  with a person.

We bring a lot of baggage into relationships whether we want to or not. Whether its our expectations, our experiences, our hang ups, shortcomings, fears, etc we bring them kicking and screaming with us. Sometimes its positive, expectations can lead us to being better people but can alas leave us feeling disappointed when really there is no reason to be. It all comes down to understanding yourself. I mean heck I can barely take care of myself how am I going to take care of another person and eventually more when we start having kids?!

I believe in not wasting time messing around with someone if you're not intending to marry them. That leads to wasted time, energy, and hurt feelings that build up. I learned that until I fix myself, and until I am mature enough tot ale on all the things come with a relationship (the fights, the traveling, the date planning,etc) its best i don't waste anyones time or hurt them. As much as I'd love to jump in and enjoy the same relationships so many of my friends are experiencing I know that I am not ready. Someday but  not today. Is it hard? Oh yes believe me it is. But someday I'll say "I do" to that person and go "wow you were well worth the wait!"

Motivation

I found this some time ago on a tumblr blog (and will duly provide the link as this is a fantastic webcomic I recommend) and serves as motivation to keep going forward when days are beating me down (I call these days Monday) and I need to continue onward. Life has its up and downs and its not fair or perfect. But keep going. The future is far and deep and there's so much more out there to explore, to see and to experience and you know what? Some of it is pretty wonderful. Seize the day and blaze a trail forward! 

http://www.wealdcomics.com/?comic=by-crom-5

Nostalgia and days gone bye

The other day i got hit with a weave of nostalgia. I've been moving things around in my room recently since we got news beds, so I've been going through things I didn't need anymore and just sorting through my junk I have in my room. It reminded me of college life looking through what to keep, what to buy to help me keep things more tidy and organized. Reminded me of when I'd move in and the people I saw, going to classes and the daily life of a college campus. It just hit me hard in the chest that its been a good 4 years since school. Life has flown by and its so weird to take a long hard look at where I'm at now.

I won't lie, life hasn't gone the way I planned it. I got kicked out of school, my family was hit with a lot of health issues and losses, one after another and I'm not doing what it is I THINK (keyword there) I should be doing and a whole lot of other fantastically frustrating things. Does it get me down? yes. Oh yes it does. Does it suck? Sure does. But I try and not to let that get me down. I love the feeling of nostalgia. It feels me with warm feelings of the past. Of days when we'd hang out at college, of summers spent as a kid running through sprinklers, and water and of days spent enjoying good cartoons. But I also and more so recently, have been trying to look forward to the future and be an adult.

I've been trying to put away some of my childish ways. I've been trying to be more responsible, more motivated, staying on task, and that sort of thing that I just never got down as a kid. I'm trying to be financially responsible and more minded about the future. Life has given me wake up calls and I am trying to answer them.

I miss college. I miss summers spent with friends, cartoon reruns, and even the simple homework I used to have. But those days are over. Sure I can visit them, enjoy them even. But I have to realize that the only important thing is forward and not the past. I've gotten what I've gotten from there and I need to grow from my experiences. The Character development continues…

Being an adult

Sucks. Bleh. I don't car much for it can I go back now? Sadly though I know I can't. I suppose this is one of those times where you have to take stock in life on certain things. For me this is the fact that I need to stop my frivolous spending, work on actually tackling the things I need to do, be RESPONSIBLE (an issue I have had my whole life) and just form some actually positive traits. *sigh* This all comes from an annoyance i am experiencing of having lost an important document I needed AND having been stupid and gone over my means of spending on credit card. I am become error.

Gosh. Darn it. I seriously need to get it together. I'm 25 now for goodness sake and just ugh. It's so stupid. I'm stupid and just ugh. You ever have those moments where you are truly overwhelmed by your own flaws and by situations you just wanna punch something? That's my exact feeling. I really hate my shortcomings. but sadly not enough to change them. But I need to change them. Bleh.

Suck it

And that's been my feelings for this week. People suck and I dislike it severely. Have had to deal with family issues this week. See, my brother, he likes to complain. A lot. About life and how its not fair and the like. Whenever he gets upset like this he also tends to lose the function of "think before you speak". Which leads to the rest of us either getting annoyed, stress, angry or ALL OF THE FREAKING ABOVE. Yeah that was this week. Needless to say that just spiraled me from "wow it's such a beautiful and nice day" to, "I feel as though committing self destructive acts is the only venting i have". Which is good that I could commit none and after a walk and a red bull I felt calmer and better. 

Just..been a fun sea of crap lately and frankly it needs to go find someone else to bite on. To say nothing has been going my way is an understatement. From family issues to my own thoughts, worries and time alone it hasn't been fun. That's right I haven't seen anyone in a looooong while. I dunno maybe it's my own mind lying to me or my depression/loneliness spilling over but it just seems that no one is around or there. Ugh. I hate this. This is one of those times where I'd rather say "screw it!" and then just vanish and start a new life elsewhere. Which honestly is what I feel will probably happen. 

Why does life have to be so distasteful? 

Change

So I decided I really have to take initiative and discipline myself a lot better with managing my time and journaling/writing more. I feel as though a lot of my thoughts are scattered about and that's because I'm just not taking my time to sit down and put them into order. My habits are sporadic and bad to say the least and usually lead me to making ill choices in my day. I spend waaaaaaay too much time on this stupid machine and with tumblr (a site that consumes your brain cells and I do hardly any actual writing on) an dust become complacent and lazy. Well no more. I am going to star living, and enjoying life! I find myself bored because I have confined my interests and behavior with this machine instead of outside it.

What happened to me reading books that wrapped their grip around me? What happened to me spending actual time in my Bible? Man I gotta fix myself! I've been poisoning myself all along! Been vegetating to this machine for far too long. I gotta spend my time away. Ugh it's a long road and it's laaame. But I gotta do it. i don't much like myself. There's a lot of me that I dislike in fact. Sure there are good parts but they're overshadowed by everything that's wrong. So here's to discipline and getting taught all over again. Wish me luck, throw down some prayers.

A time of fasting

So each year my church starts what is called a "Daniel Fast". It's a time of fasting from food and seeking God, usually following the example of Daniel and his friends during Israel's time in Babylon. We essentially go full vegetarian (though organic wheat bread is allowed and such other things like rice, beans,etc.) and just take a time of prayer and seeking God. Now there are those that can't do it for health reasons so of course we're not going to be legalistic about it and other things can be chosen to be fasting from. I myself, though not medically inclined to do so, chose to take a time of fasting from the internet. 

Why? because out of all things, my computer/internet is what plays a big role in my life. I blog, I watch videos on youtube and spend ridiculous amounts of time on tumblr and Facebook. This obviously is an issue so I take a break (about 3 weeks) from being online. During this time I tried praying and seeking God for a word. I wrote quite a bit and will, with time and studying, be posting some of what I encountered from God here. 

The first thing I encountered was a realization of the change i experienced while being away from the internet. Since fasting I find my mind to be…quiet. I don't really know how to explain it. it's like a shelf that's less cluttered. As if everything that was on there was loud, vibrant and fluctuating but now it's calm and serene like a still pool of water. I find that my focus is better and I can better focus on tasks at hand.

That is to say that my mind doesn't still call out for the desire of the internet. It does but outside of that my mind is strangely calm. I can better order my thoughts without the need of having a website in front of me constantly blaring and numbing my mind. I find myself more up and active, taking charge of more tasks at hand and doing more about my house than staring at my computer or phone screen.