Testament of a Man

 "What does it mean to be a man?" I remember asking myself that many, many years ago. I thought, at first, that it was when you lost your virginity as the thought was prevalent back years ago. Then I thought "it's just when you hit 21 and you're legally allowed to do whatever!". But there was always some yearning for understanding, truly understanding of what it meant to be a man. 

Years later I found a sort of answer. I'm not even certain of how I came to it really (I think I have that event recorded somewhere) but I came to the realization that: A man knows what he has to do and does it. Maybe it was some sort of inspirational post on social media, maybe it was from an article or website post but that was my answer. It's helped to motivate me away from my laziness and apathy to drive me forward. 

Later, during the time when my mother had her knee replaced I had full reign of the house and the responsibilities. It came down to "building a better man". I reached out previously and prayed "Lord make me a man and man of God!". I wanted to be the non-faith-driven version of man and a man worthy of being called "a man of God". I was given the challenge and I went for it pretty much meeting the challenge and I felt good about myself. 

This week though, I was faced with such a great challenge that it reminded me that, you're always learning, always growing and the lesson never truly stops. I was faced with a family crisis that really pushed me beyond my limits emotionally, physically and tested my faith even. At the moment this week, I felt weak, powerless and so very, very tired. But I kept the course. I sought the Lord in the moments where I had no control and felt powerless. I thought of two things. 

One, that old song, "leaning on everlasting arms", remind me where I had to draw strength from. I prayed like I never prayed before just completely at the mercy of everything at that moment. The second was a faint memory of the words "the fires of tribulation creates patience". I couldn't remember whether I heard that from a Pastor or from some post online but when I went searching I stumbled upon a bible verse. 

Romans 5:3-And not only so, but we glory in tribulations also, knowing that tribulation worketh patience;

That really hit me and got me going. I laid it all at the feet of God. Everything was in His hands because I had no answer, nothing at that moment. Things have gotten better and each day I am trying to rely on God, seeking the truth to keep myself going. because as a man of God I am learning that it isn't my strength but God's mercy, power, and love that kept me going and keeps me going. 

I don't know what else to say but I am thankful to God for leading me, teaching me to be a true, better man. The lessons continue. The character development continues. 

To Build A Better Man

 "Everybody has a plan until they get punched in the mouth." -Mike Tyson

I take that quote to heart a lot these days. Pretty much, things don't ever go as planned. I'm talking about life and the turns it's taken in the last 9 weeks and really since last year. Basically, the entire structure of my home life now pretty much depends on me. No pressure right? I went from handling things as easy as paperwork to making sure bills are paid, information is gathered, doctor's appointments are arranged, just everything! 

Things have been difficult. I won't lie. There are nights I am dragging my feet to crawl into bed for the taste of rest and waking up still exhausted. I've had to be patient, learn new things about how to do them around the house, and really new things about myself. Sometimes it seems like it'll never end. But then that's not why I titled this post as such.

After two weeks of captaining this boat, I had a thought, a phrase cross my mind. "To build a better man". I realized that this was a trial and chance to be forged new. I have for years wondered to myself "what does it mean to be a man?" Before I had thought I found the answer: a man does what he knows he has to do. Seems simple right? Well the good Lord saw fit for me to finally expand on that. 

"I'm going to show you what it means to be a man. To build discipline in you, and to show you how to take initiative and lead." To say I was surprised was an understatement. i was getting my answer just not the way I wanted it (you'd think I'd have figured it out you can't always get what you want) 

The title is exactly the words that I heard in my head a few nights ago. Recently, life has taken a turn for the interesting and difficult. I won't go into full details but I have gained full reign of basically running the house for a while. A heap of new responsibilities has been toppled on top of me. But with new responsibilities come new frustrations. 

I'm not going to sit here and lie to you. It's been hard. Trying to break old habits, learn new ones, new ways of doing things, and trying not to get overwhelmed or frustrated. Needless to say, I've been living off of coffee and music for the last week. But it has opened my eyes to understanding some things. Like how I was missing key parts of being a true, functioning adult. 

This year I wanted it to be a year of working on myself and improving the areas I feel I am lacking in. Like responsibility, controlling my spending, being disciplined, etc. Basically trying to do things I feel any well-equipped, real adult does. Things certainly have a way of "falling into place". Recent events have forced me to take the reigns and do something, I think the most prominent thing I am fighting against is my own laziness and not taking action. it is difficult, the ground is rough but I am getting used to it and actually trying. 

The title comes from me being in the midst of all the things falling into my lap and hearing a voice tell me "to build a better man." I want to change. I want to be different. Be dependable, be strong, to build me into someone reliable. I don't want to be this fool of a man anymore. I want and I am going forward. 

"the Ghosts of the Past"

 "You're not in control. I AM" That is what a much younger me wrote years ago in one of my journal entries as I talked with God. The Holy Spirit spoke to me with a harsh reminder. During this time I had gone through some significant troubles and learned the lesson of allowing God to control the reigns of my life, that he was in control and I had to believe and have faith that what He said was true. This was a reminder of that lesson during my questioning of God and that I was simply scared. Scared of the unforeseen future. I mean it makes sense, life took a toll on me. My grandparents, father, and brother passing away. Life heaped a heavy lump of hot coal on my head and told me to march. 

I guess I was right to be scared. because how could I have gone forward with faith if I knew what was going to happen? How can I go forward now in my faith still not knowing what could happen? Faith. Faith in God that everything is in His command and court. Because for all of the wrong things that happened, good things came about too. I should try and remember THOSE more often than the bad. Isn't that what it's all about?

I even commented in this writing about "am I supposed to just look back on these things and learn from them?!" The answer, I have discovered is a loud, roaring YES. I am supposed to grow, to learn. It's what I am meant to do. To trust God, and go forward. Where else can I go? What else can I do? 

An Old Face and a Lesson Learned

 One of my favorite movies growing up was "Hook", starring Robin Williams. I cannot begin to tell you how many times I watched that movie and the fond memories I have of it. It filled me with wonder because it had adventure, action, humor, and I think my younger sister and I both wanted to be lost boys. It is a fun childhood memory. As I was starting to write this I remembered a scene from the film. In the movie, Robin Williams plays a grown-up Peter Pan who has to save his children from the clutches of the villain, Captain Hook. As Peter fights to find his way back to being Peter Pan there is a scene where he looks at his reflection in a pool of water and sees not himself, as an adult, but his inner Peter Pan, the young, adventurous never grow up boy. I set this all up to tell you about seeing an old, younger, familiar face in the mirror last night. 

I hadn't seen that face in a long time. Life hasn't been kind and looking into the mirror I saw the younger, full of optimism, bright-eyed young man I knew a long time ago. Full of wonder about the world, a hopeless romantic. I had graduated high school, I was in college, and believing everything I'd been taught the world was ripe for the taking. That young man that I used to be was so full of hope. A bit of an embarrassment really, when I think back and remember the things I would do. The inspiration from this came from me thinking about my journaling through the years and the things I would write about. 

The first journal contained my "deep" musings about life, the relationships I wanted, the woman I "loved" and hopeless optimism in the face of me being a recently graduated high schooler with ZERO life experience. I  stumbled across it and thought to myself "where did that guy go? Why am I not like this anymore?" The answer I finally got was, I grew up. 

People change. Everything changes. No one is who they are when they were 18 or 21 (at least I am not at 31 going 32). I always thought it was a bad thing that I wasn't that guy anymore. That I wasn't so full of hope, a hopeless romantic, or had this can do anything attitude. It's only now that I realize that simply I grew into a different person and changed. Sure, there's still inklings of that young man still in me. Still the desire to see the world, still the desire to fight forward, and even embers of the passionate romantic who wrote poetry. 

But life happened. Things happened. Things that would require me to grow, change and adapt. We all have to grow, to mature into the person we're meant to be. We can't handle the storms that come our way if we don't learn from the mistakes, experiences, and life lessons we go through. It's meant to better us and we have to resist the urge to grow bitter and resentful from it. Instead of stomping my foot and saying "That's not fair!" I have to learn how to weather the storms and remind myself of the truth: That's life and even though there are low points, God is still there. 

That young man had to grow and change. I am still that boy but now I am a man. I need to shed off my bitterness and embrace the change. 

So Long and Goodnight

I'm a very nostalgic person. I think about the past a lot and the way those moments in the past made me feel and make me feel today. Old stores that are now gone, walking to school and back, what it was like seeing people's faces every day at school, AOL messenger, things like that.  Nostalgic things. Because of this, I've found it hard to let things go and keep old notes, reminders, and the like to always remember. Until recently that is. I've been cleaning my room up and I've been getting rid of things that I held onto for years for fond memories. Some of it is just plain junk that simply reminds me of where it came from. "Oh, this wheel came off a broken dollar store scooter that a friend gave me!" Yeah like that.

 It's frankly amazing now that I think of it and say these things out loud. A lot of the memories are still there and I can recall them so clearly. There are other things though. The excitement I felt putting up my light strings in my room by myself one day and the ambience, learning to make blank CDs into masterpieces, just feelings and memories all intertwined in here! 

But I think part of that held me back also. I was still that teenage kid sitting at his computer for hours doing nothing but now I mean come on I'm 31! I can't anymore! I have to grow up and change. Those things weren't bad but I was lingering for too long. I don't know who I'll be at the end of this journey. I think this is something like "me for years to come or permanently". But if I am a good man and I like who I am is that a bad thing? Guess time will tell. 

I think this is my goodbye to all those things I threw away and placed into boxes for safekeeping. Part of me wants to leap up and dig it all back out. But I don't think that would be the answer. So I am putting it to rest. Here we go. 

Forward, man! Forward!

 I suppose I've been running for a long time now. Running away from the daunting fear of "adulthood" or rather, responsibility. I don't want to face it because I feel it would be a sort of death of the young man inside me. It's like I've built this persona and lived it for so long that the idea of putting it away frightens me. I think I've been stuck for too long without really DEALING with the idea that I have to develop myself into an adult and actually face my responsibilities and challenges when they come my way. 

I think it stems from my lack of experiencing my 20's like the time for "growth and stupid decisions". Instead of going out of state with friends, to concerts, staying out late at night, and so on, I was at home, taking care of my family and trying my best to make sure they were okay. I held onto the "Oh you'll get to experience that stuff, don't worry" and eventually the "Man, I wasted my best years!" for so long that now I have come to the conclusion that I have been putting off doing what needed to be done. 

Let's talk about what brought this on. I'm currently taking apart my room and in doing so I have come across A LOT of stuff from past versions of myself. I've found old schoolwork since elementary, college notes, cringe-inducing poetry from my hopeless romantic days, and lots of things I've held onto over the years. There is a lot of history here in my room about me and I've had to face down memory lane and let go of a lot of it. Old things that reminded me of a store that shut down over a decade ago in my neighborhood, CDs I mixed when I first got Itunes and started buying music, posters from videogames of years past and so much more. Even my Halloween lights that have been up for years and barely used are getting taken down. I look at a lot of this stuff and I think "what happened to me?" I changed. 

People grow into and out of things. I used to wear wrist cuffs and a dozen or so rings on my fingers and half a dozen necklaces but now my arms are bare, my fingers empty and my neck hairs don't get pulled on by cheap chains. I changed. I'm looking at different clothes than just black horror shirts (okay they're still in my closet I haven't changed drastically yet), I'm trying to be productive, shed my laziness and so much more. But I think we should look at what really pushed me into this. 

Last year was a tough year. In the beginning, I tried to take a journey to better myself and do what I thought would lead me onto my path into adulthood. I was wrong because the world kept trying to end every other day. Kind of soured the mood. In that time though I found a lot of pages on Instagram that eventually led me to, an answer to a question that burned in my mind for a long time.  "What does it mean to be a man?" I've thought this for years and never really had an answer. Oh sure there was the usual at first: a man is strong, a man is brave, a man is a protector! But, those never really seemed like the answer I was looking for. 

That is until I started following more pages on Instagram dedicated to masculinity, traditional men, and the likes. I came up with the answer finally: a man knows what he ought to do and does it. That's it. that was my answer. I figured this out and I was going to put it into action! Yes, the action was what I wanted! I realized that that was what was missing from my life! Action! To get up and do something! Oh sure, I was doing plenty around my house with work never seeming to end but I felt like that's what other people wanted, not what I wanted. 

I decided I was going to get up, motivate myself, and get things done because I had let them just sit there and pile up for so long! I am not saying I am cured, it is always a work in progress but it seems I got the fire lit under me that I needed. From there my brain started going haywire but really it came down to "what happened to the man that would____" or "what happened to you liking____" and things like that. I used to destroy books, have an actual attention span and energy! What happened to that guy?

So now with the new year, I decided to try and get back into a groove. Develop myself, take action, and run into new adventures. So that brings me back to my room. I started first by clearing up things that needed to be cleaned, taken care of, and taken out. Old frayed posters, things that have been collecting dust, disorganized, and neglected desk. I dunno I can't explain it. Something inside me wanted something DIFFERENT. I work in my room for hours, I take care of my family still and do things around the house but for some reason, I'm not depressed or burdened by it. I feel good about it. I think I should and I think I am doing good. I think I can do this. This is a starting point. The gun has gone off and I am going to run this race. Happy New year to me.