Happy Halloween

I hope everyone had a wonderful Halloween night filled with lots of memories and good times. Mine was a sugar filled rush of zombies, and Vincent Price, so all in all an epic Halloween. It was a nice relaxing time and I had fun so here is to another great Halloween. Now I can't wait for how awesome next year will be! :D

Big boys don't cry

About a week ago, after having a less than pleasant conversation on the phone with my mother, I needed some alone time. Basically I was being blamed for my current situation AGAIN. WHen I say again I mean I almost here everyday about how not being in school is my fault. I have come to terms with the fact that yes, it is and I have learned a great deal form it, about myself and my relationship with God. Well after a conversation where we did a bit of yelling and a lot of blaming on me, my friends, girls (though I haven't had a girlfriend in a year) and a lot of other things I needed to be alone so I went to a small prayer chapel on the campus of my school. And there I just broke.

I asked God why it had to hurt so bad. Why I felt alone, why the people who say they love me continually hurt me, why I always felt that no one cared about me, like no one would listen or was there. I just broke down crying, for the first time in a long time. I begged Him to help take it away, the feeling of being so alone, of being empty and begged to be filled. I don't know why i feel this way, I really don't. The only thing I assume it can be is just constant disappointments of people. Of people lying, betraying, causing drama and just generally disappointing you. I know people are flawed and not perfect but there are some general things that you just expect them to understand.

Much of the whole event though just stemmed from being constantly blamed for my mistakes day in and day out. Always hearing the comments. How my friends are going ahead of me, how i have messed it up for myself, how i have wasted money, etc. To be honest I am so tired of it. I admit there are deeper things inside that I should and need to deal with but for the most part the main thing is right there in front of me, staring me in the face. Just the constant blaming, criticizing and just yelling. It sucks. I hate it and just yeah, I am sick and tired of it.

Darkest Part of me pt 3. [END]

I have taken away your power. I have taken away what you fed on and now you lay in the depths slowly disappearing. I feel much better now that I know you'll fade. Sure you crawl to me, mocking me, throwing out the occasional slander at me as I stand before you but it is vain. Give up, soon enough the light will come back in and consume you away. You'll have nowhere to hide. Its over, you lost evil me. Good bye.

What is drama...

but life with the dull bits cut off"-Alfred Hitchcock

Well it seems a lot of the dull bits has been cut off recently. I don't know what it is but just recently around me there has been a lot more drama than what is needed. The worse part is because its all from misunderstanding and such, people refusing to talk face to face or just idiotic people stirring up trouble. There are so many situations right now that its not even funny. I'll need to hire some scribes to take everything down for this epic of a play I am in. Still trying to figure out if it is going to be a tragedy or comedy. Is there anything i n between those? Can I have that one please? Thank you.

It just seems so insane that these events are happening. What is wrong with our generation? It always seems we can't stay out of trouble or someone is being stupid and causing trouble. Makes no sense but I hope all of this can be solved soon. Very soon.

Our Adventure

This was a weekend I needed for a long time. This weekend I was lucky enough to celebrate my brother in Christ, Josh's birthday at his house. It was an awesome time filled with candy, monsters, Mao (the card game), movies, and lots of inside jokes and fun memories. I had an awesome time. On Saturday we arrived at his house and began the invasion as I call it. We were greeted by candy. Lot's and lot's of candy. I do not, nor do I want to know how much candy I consumed. It was a lot. Coupled with a Monster. Its all one big blur. I also discovered why people cringe at the name Mao when offered to play this game. I banged my head against the table many times that day.

The day was filled with many noms as we all got to share in my friend's mother's epic cooking. It's ridiculously awesome! After stuffing us we proceeded to gifts. Now my buddy Jeremy and I decided to get him a special gift. See, while we went camping our friend josh pulled an amazing maneuver when he thought he heard something walking near a stream that was next to our campsite. So being the guy that he is he threw a rock at it. So my buddy Jeremy and I got him a rock and signed our names on it along with our friend Kellen. Twas an epic gift and his family loved the story. We then proceeded to the jacuzzi where we were baked alive for several hours but survived. The usual schedule when we go to his house.

The night ended with us talking and watching the Island which is an excellent movie if you have never seen it. The next morning I was greeted to kisses. Kisses form his dog deciding to wake me up. Yeah quite a wake up call. Then after eating it was off to church, then back tot he house for more food and some more fun before our adventure ended with us leaving our friends house. All in all it was an epic weekend and one i felt all of the people who went, including my buddy needed. Everyone has been swamped so i can understand a vacation is needed and i am glad they got one.

An introduction again of sorts

Hi. My name is Robert and this my blog. I call this blog "Character Development". Why you might ask? Well Shakespeare said the world is a stage. There are our supporting characters, main characters, those who come in ad those who exit. We are characters on this stage. Life begins before we know it, sometimes when we do not plan, in fact it starts when we do not plan. All we can do is practice our lines and hope for the best. but for the sake of understanding i have decided that for this blog life begins after you graduate form school. Whether high school or college, depending on who you are it begins at different times,but regardless, no stopping it.

Our experiences, our trials, our happy times, our friendships, enemies, all of this gives us opportunities to become the character we are meant to be. Sometimes we get them right, sometime we do not. But we are all characters responsible for this. That is what free will is all about. we decide what to do with the script given to us. Either throw it away and do our own thing or try our hardest to honestly follow through. Regardless we are becoming people. People who will play roles in others lives as much as they play in ours.

So it is up to you how you do this whole life thing. While here, on my blog, you get to see how I do it. You can see the personal times I share, the good and bad. The ups and downs. I am not perfect nor do I claim to be perfect or just or righteous. i am human, and as a human I fail and quite often. Well here is my ups and downs, here is my story. M name is Robert and it is very nice to meet you.

To You

I think you are one of the many people I have met that should never know pain or sadness. I look back and I can see that life has destroyed the romantic, fantasy world you had, the innocence if you will and has filled it with this cruel world. It has shown you the death of the unicorns, the dark hearts of witches, the darkness of dragons and most of all the cruelty and evil of man. But I am so sorry that it must happen because it must. It must teach you reality. To come and see what the world is like. But it seems so unfair to someone such as yourself. Someone with the innocence of a child stripped away by the world. By God. It seems so unfair. But, I cannot help but remember, but believe, but know, but to have faith that God loves you, cares for you, want the best for you and wants you to be a woman he see's you to become.

I know it hurts so much. You have so much passion inside, so much love to give. Give it to God, so that he may use you and that passion that burns for something good. Waiting isn't so bad. Well it feels like it is but the hope I have is that someday someone so incredible will come and boom the worries of finding that special someone will disappear. But that is not the end the story continues from there but that is another matter entirely.

No Happy Endings

You messed up. You did it again. You didn't think right and now she is hurt. Look what you've done. Why? Because you lust. Because you can't make up your mind, because you can't stop wanting. You are selfish no matter how hard you try and tell yourself that you aren't and that you wanted to give something up because its right. Well now here you are chafing your heart against a rock as it bleeds all over the stupid place and you have no one to blame but you. Disgusting. Can't even take control of your emotions.

And that is why you suffer. That is why you have slowly let me out. Because you felt what it was like to not be responsible to be wild, to be free, and you enjoyed it and it was dangerous and fun. You aren't a good boy anymore, you are a monster now. A nice calm, quiet, neat monster. Hiding yourself form the prying eyes. Maybe deep inside you didn't mean it sure but she knows.

And here you are, pathetic wanting to say something. Love? Don't kid yourself. You are too scared to love because you don't have a perfect definition yet. So you sit here, making excuses. All alone, hugging that damn pillow just so it feels like someone cares. Oh you say they do but do they? How many really want to hear about your worries? You worry so much about them and hat do they do? They beat you, ridicule you, put you down! Friends? I think not. You are weak and don't want to hurt them but you may have to. such a monster. what would they say if you showed them?

But i know i can find peace in God. I just hold onto so much negative because it all I have known for so long. God, take away the hurt, the pain, the disappointment, betrayal, sadness, depression,a ll of it. piece me back together. Save me oh God.

I wrote this today when I was in a dark place. I let go of everything that was building up inside. Its all due to the blame that negative voice inside us always gives us. When it yells, it criticizes, blames because its that part of us that know the truth. Well part of the truth it does twist it make it seem so full of despair. But there is hope, and light that saves us, saves us from the dark. God is that light, the light that can fix even me. Thank you lord.

Whoa

Yeah I think way too hard sometimes. Seriously I get too wrapped up in my thinking, in my imagination or fantasy (no not that type of fantasy) that when I do something else and go back thinking I was on a webpage or do something else i realize that no, I was just thinking really intently on something and was distracted that it seems so real. This is why some of my memories turn out to be dreams and why I think I had deja vu so much. It is lame and annoying to try and keep this concept of reality going when my brain is so much more interesting. Ha ha ha it seems like I am still in elementary school in class bored just this happens outside of class now. Oh the joys ha ha.

Check, check, reality check.

So this past week, I'd have to say was horrible and was one of the worse weeks I have had in a long time. Other than being completely boring and bland, a lot of issues have come up. For starters I have tried enrolling in classes for the school I got into for online classes but it hasn't cleared me for it yet and so I am wondering if I had enrolled correctly for the online classes and haven't been able to call the school as they are located in Chicago and thus on a different time schedule. So when I try and call thinking I have made it in time I find that I have in fact not and thus have to keep pushing myself to call at the appropriate times on a different day. The classes start the 25 so I am in quite the pickle if I messed this up and i am praying i did not. So very lame.

Combine also this week that the reality check I needed is that I am so completely emotional unstable its not even funny. Seriously, I have such issues with my feelings for certain girls I am sure you could write a script to it for a TV drama. Jumping form one girl tot he next and the fluctuating emotions and just gah! So troublesome. Luckily God is obviously showing me that my thoughts of a relationship are obviously wrong and stupid for me to be thinking them since I cannot even deal with my own feelings. So lame.

Then there was an incident I posted earlier about a friend and I sort of crossing swords when we had an issue (an issue I now see where I was wrong in) and I was angry at her for a while. Which sucks because we are such close friends that being angry just didn't make sense and as soon as I see her I plan to apologize and fix the situation.

Another large issue is the fact that my mother has been under a severe amount of stress as she has been forced to travel back and forth to see my grandfather in the hospital after surgery to fix his hip when he broke it. Well this stress obviously is an issue and makes her tired and worst of all irritable. Which is the second part of this and her dislike for my elder sister as of late. Now when I say dislike I mean she is slamming cupboard doors, yelling at us (who have done nothing to deserve said yelling) and slamming doors. There is also the saying things out of anger as she does (this has caused both her and I to say things in the past that have more than likely left scars) and just yeah creating an uneasy atmosphere.

So home life has been no bueno and I dislike this greatly. This week has completely blown and the only thing left to save it is tomorrow (Sunday) which is church. I pray the Lord gives me peace at church cause I sure as heck do not have it here. Which sucks because its home and your home should be a nice place to escape from other forms of hell but nope mine is my own personal hell.

Other than this the Lord has been teaching me thing as of late. The fact that no, I do not need a relationship, that I was wrong in my anger with my friend, some patience and a good old reality check. I definitely need to change some aspects as well in my character and personality that I figured need to be changed and do a total transformation and building up. But such is life. Here is hoping everyone else's is going better than mine right now. If it wasn't for God and the fact that this will eventually pass I think I'd go crazy.

What's going on inside of me?
I despise my own behavior
This only serves to confirm my suspicions
That I'm still a man in need of a Savior

In the Light-DC TALK

The shadows feel dry

The title is from a picture i had seen, which, before I clicked on it to see it magnified, I thought it had said that but in fact said "The shadows flee away". So one I need to start wearing my glasses more often and two it got me thinking. What would shadows feel like? I imagine they would feel dry because, now bear with me, what does it feel like when you are walking through a dark hallway, or down a dark street? You are feeling anxious, and scared. Constantly looking over your shoulder because you thought you heard something and letting your mind distort what you can or cannot see. You lick your lips and suddenly its harder to breathe, your throats dry and all you want is just a little bit of light to invade in just so you could see everything is okay.

The dark surrounds, its blankets, it suffocates. Its all around, everywhere and covers everything in its path. But that is merelymy thoughts about the dark and how it feels.

The Shadows feel dry.

Well crap

Yeah I messed up. Big time. Today ha snot been my day. Ugh. Lame. I suppose the bad Monday vibes made it to this Tuesday since yesterday was an okay day. Well crap I thought it wasn't a big deal but I should have been more considerate. I suppose this is the price my buddy and I pay for it. So messed up, just when things seemed up. Guess I just needed a reality check or something. A lot crap comin up from it though in my head getting reminded of stuff I thought I buried. Well isn't that just wonderful?

Curious people? Alright let me break it down. So I basically I introduced two of my friends to each other. Let us call one Mike and the Amy. Well Mike and Amy go to the same school and they see each other almost every day. Well Mike and I have a type of thing we do where when we see a pretty girl, we txt the other about it. Yeah I know we seem like pigs and everything for doing it but lets address that later. Well he has been texting me for a while about Amy and what she wears. MIke has been doing this occasionally and sporadically over the course of maybe two or three weeks.

Well today as I was texting Amy, she told me Mike accidently txted her a text meant for me, which, again catalogued what she was wearing. Amy was concerned Mike might be interested and she didn't feel the same way. In an attempt to quell her fears of being in an awkward situation I mentioned that she had nothing to fear that this was something he and I do (yes I know pigs, get over it) and she had nothing to fear. Amy then decided to ask about how often this happens. I responded, with best intentions, that it happened sporadically along the weeks, not too bad right? Wrong. Apparently I failed in my duty as a brother (as I see her as my sister). The main part that got me was the quoting of Edmund Burke at me. I live by this quote that "All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing." Now she was not calling Mike evil but was saying that what would it take for "good men" to stand up and do something.

Now she said that she forgave us both and nothing is wrong but I have known Amy long enough to know that, that is not the case that she is probably hurt and feels betrayed and violated in a way. I mean I can understand where she is coming from and i admit I did fail in my duty because part of it did bother me but I said nothing and I should have considered how she felt but, I just don;t know. Part of me understand but part of me wants to shout out "how dare you?" I'm human, I fall, I mess up, I fail. We all do. I feel as if I had some expectation on me not to be a guy who looks at girl and yes i do know it is already something I shouldn't do as a Christian but still I dunno. Its all so messed up right now and complete crap. So the next time my friends and I all hang out it'll be weird and awkward I just know it and just GAH! I hate my life right about now just because of my thought process I had days prior and just ugh! So stupid!

Now you may sling your comments of how I am a pig. No I am not looking for pity or being a martyr. Perhaps i am looking just for someone to talk to or perhaps someone who care to listen and understand. I dunno. So pathetic.

The Moon and the Rain

I wonder why the two are never out together? Is it so strange to catch even a glimpse of the moon and have it raining at the same time? Now when I say moon I mean when it is full because nothing else will do if the two should meet but a complete moon for the rain to hang out with. If this happens I promise to do everything in my power to find a way to get to your house. I suppose it'd be appropriate to be near you when the two things that remind us of one another are together. Just so I can give you a hug, enjoy some tea together or just say hi! I miss you and look forward to more rain to remind me of you!

In the late afternoon it rained...

I woke up this morning to discover and old friend decided to stop by for a visit. The rain had finally come. It was wonderful to stand outside in the rain after its long, long absence away. The rain did not last for long but despite that I am happy because of the clouds as well and the coolness that is visiting us to relieve us from the heat. It is a pleasant change of pace. I also enjoyed having myself a cup of tea outside while it rained so that mad the tea so much more enjoyable. I know it may seems silly but I love the rain and the coolness. It always enjoyable and reminds me of days past when I would walk out in the rain or hang with friend sin the rain. Good times, definitely good times. So I hope everyone else gets to enjoy the rain as well or a nice cup of tea or coffee. Treat yourself to a little break or something relaxing that makes you feel good.

"And then, very slowly, as he walked away , he tilted his head back in the rain, for just a few moments, and opened his mouth..."

Fahrenheit 451