Big boys don't cry

About a week ago, after having a less than pleasant conversation on the phone with my mother, I needed some alone time. Basically I was being blamed for my current situation AGAIN. WHen I say again I mean I almost here everyday about how not being in school is my fault. I have come to terms with the fact that yes, it is and I have learned a great deal form it, about myself and my relationship with God. Well after a conversation where we did a bit of yelling and a lot of blaming on me, my friends, girls (though I haven't had a girlfriend in a year) and a lot of other things I needed to be alone so I went to a small prayer chapel on the campus of my school. And there I just broke.

I asked God why it had to hurt so bad. Why I felt alone, why the people who say they love me continually hurt me, why I always felt that no one cared about me, like no one would listen or was there. I just broke down crying, for the first time in a long time. I begged Him to help take it away, the feeling of being so alone, of being empty and begged to be filled. I don't know why i feel this way, I really don't. The only thing I assume it can be is just constant disappointments of people. Of people lying, betraying, causing drama and just generally disappointing you. I know people are flawed and not perfect but there are some general things that you just expect them to understand.

Much of the whole event though just stemmed from being constantly blamed for my mistakes day in and day out. Always hearing the comments. How my friends are going ahead of me, how i have messed it up for myself, how i have wasted money, etc. To be honest I am so tired of it. I admit there are deeper things inside that I should and need to deal with but for the most part the main thing is right there in front of me, staring me in the face. Just the constant blaming, criticizing and just yelling. It sucks. I hate it and just yeah, I am sick and tired of it.