We've Come To It At Last

The end of the year 2010. I sit here at my desk and i think of the things that have happened. The experiences, painful, joyous, the good times and bad, and all others you can think of. The things which changed us so thoroughly that we are not the same person we were when this year began. No, I think we've all changed. Parts of us have been revitalized, others have died, and new parts have bloomed but one thing is certain we've all grown up one way or another in this year. Now we come to a new year, taking what we've learned and not applying it only to the year ahead but also to our lives from when we learn it to the end of the life we live. It is not only for that moment but for every moment after that we take that.

I have grown more this year and frankly its pretty scary. Suddenly the child in me is growing up and he is scared out of his mind. For now comes the responsibility of duty, of knowing what yo should and should not do. There is no more blaming it on being a teenager or a young adult. Responsibility starts now. I am becoming a man now and I have been forced to start seeing what is in front of me as I take each step. I was looking to the horizon but now no longer for I take it one step at a time going each mile and each distance. Where does it lead? I wish I knew, but God knows so that is the best person to know.

I have been given the push to grow, the tools have been given to me. Either I squander them here, in the ground or spring up, mighty and tall. The winter is ending and a new year is beginning. When Spring comes, what will you look like? A budding sapling, or a empty clump of dirt? Will this year be different for you with change or become routine and the same? Will your is eup or fall?

A lot of things happened to me this year, most I shared here, some I did not. I have grown form these and as I write this I try and think of some good things but I can't so that is one thing I'll do this year. Write down and remember all of the good times I had. Remember all of the blessings, of the family time of all God's given me. That is one of many things i have taken form this year. So take a moment and write down everything that you learned this year and keep it with you, always somewhere to look at. So maybe it could become lodged in our heads and we'd remember and know what the year before held for us and what life is giving us now. Plus sometimes we need reminders of the times we had to take a crash course through some things. It happens to all of us.

There are a lot of things i want to write about what happened to me personally but I feel that can wait for the right time to mention or say and hey, most of it is in my blog so it gives you a reason to read the writings of a mad man and a fellow actor on the stage of life. So I hope everyone who reads this, if even in passing and maybe not even at all in reading it, has a wonderful and blessed New Year's. I hope and pray for you all that it is a good one.

" Down an unknown road
To embrace my fate
Though the road may wander
It will lead me to you
And a thousand years
Would be worth the wait
It may take a lifetime
But somehow I'll see it through"

-"Go the distance"- Michael Bolton

Chapter 2010: The end

I hope..

Everyone out there had a wonderful and very Merry Christmas with family and loved ones celebrating our Savior's Birth. :)

So Long My Friend, Until We Meet Again

Originally I was going to post this on monday but I felt as though this was too important to me, to myself, to wait. On Monday, December 27, 2010 a good friend of mine will be leaving me. My friend Crystal is leaving to return home to Kansas to continue her schooling in a grad school there. I couldn't be happier for her and I am glad to have gotten to see her graduate but also there is some sadness in her leaving.

I don't think I have ever really had a friend I was so close to leave so far away where I would not be able to see them someway or somehow but I mean she is leaving to a completely different state. Its now I realize and I wish I had spent so much more time with her. I wish I could have hung out more, laughed more, taken more pictures and had made even more memories. Not that I am not appreciating the times we did spend together its just this is so new it's like, man I wish I had.

I'm sad but I know I should be happy. She is going where she feels she is called by God and I believe she will be doing something great with her pursuits and I look forward to the future. I know she isn't gone forever for one reason or another I know she will visit or be back down some day. Even so I will miss her and all the fun times we have had but I believe this is all apart of growing up and doing what God wants. I know now what my friends must have felt like when I told them I wanted to attend a seminary out of state. I told them despite their protests that i was going and now I feel like an idiot for not understanding them and sympathizing and considering what it would be like if any of them left out of state. I understand the feeling more now and I know even if I am sad I should support her in her decision!

So If you have any friends who might be form out of state at school, work or where you live, take time in enjoying their company, you never know when you might not have them anymore. Treasure the moments of good and bad. Make some time to hang out and enjoy and smile with each other. Grab a drink, a movie or just sit and talk at lunch or dinner. And make sure you always hug them often actually that should be all your friends.

So Crystal, despite the fact i will miss you terribly, I wish you the best of luck, and pray for safe keeping as you travel back home monday. I'll miss you but I hope to see you again someday. And should you write a book someday make sure you tell me so I can go out an read it. I'll take notes from it and try and be half as awesome as you will be at your work ha ha. Good bye Crystal, I love you and i will miss you my friend. :)

They said all teenagers scare the living shit out of me
They could care less as long as someone'll bleed
So darken your clothes or strike a violent pose
Maybe they'll leave you alone, but not me

-My Chemical Romance "Teenagers"

I wonder

Why I even bother sometimes. It seems that no matter what I do, what I say, or what I plan it will always be viewed as a great disappointment that I was kicked out of school to my mother. To me the worst part of it all is that despite my explaining that I will go back, that I'll do better, that I am learning lessons from God, that I have realized the things I did wrong, I still get the comments, and the lectures. Sure, its not as daily as it used to be but if i mention anything about my friends who are still in college, or are graduating a comment always comes up about how I should be graduating or about how I messed up. I know i messed up and I do not need a constant reminder of my mistakes. I have accepted it and feeling bad isn't doing me any good now is it?

Despite this I still receive comments. I've also learned not to bother explaining because apparently my words fall on deaf ears. No matter how I try and explain that taking six units will have the loan people get off my butt, or how I'll get my financial aid back once I take some more classes and appeal their decision, and once I graduate I'm going to try and work at Disney World. None of this matters of course. Why? Because I'm not doing it the way she sees's it to be done. It's always been like that with her though, her way or no way. Well she is going to have to get used to the idea that I am going to be an adult and make my own decisions about my future.

So I have to take this a day at a time but I will be glad when my online classes begin and when i return to my school so I can be gone for several hours a day and not have to deal with so much major crap. I know my parents want the best for me but sometimes there are just things you can't change and just...yeah.

Almost Closing Time

It is hard to believe that in only a few weeks we will be entering a new year. This year seems to have blown by quickly, as a lot of things have happened. Now I am looking back on the events that have now shaped me, the lessons I have learned, the sufferings i have gone through and the joys as well. I look back at this year and see myself being uprooted and changed, growing into the person I'll be. I look back to who I was just earlier this year during the spring semester at my college to who I am now and I seem so much more different. I have discovered different things about myself this year and some of them I like some I do not. Parts of me that showed the good and the bad that I have to either work on or kill off. I am a work in progress and this year has definitely began a work in me. God has began a work in me.

I will try this new year that is fast approaching, to deal with some of the inner working inside. I know I need to develop some new skills and habits and kill off the old ones that have held me back. There are other things too, things I learned about myself that I despise that I really want to move on from but it takes time and patience (which is also a work in progress) to get o where I am going. So take a moment or two and reflect on what this year has taught you. The good, the bad and everything in between for you that happened. Take the lessons and learn from them, apply them and get ready for a new year.

The year in review status updates form facebook. Kind of a trip:

Flyleaf - Dear My Closest Friend (Remember To Live)

Dear my closest friend
I'm writing because
I miss you so much
At night I'd always cry
The stillness still reminds me of
When we first fell in love
And I miss that so much
Dear my closest friend

Dear my closest friend
I remember when
You asked me to stay
And I just walked away
I apologize
And then my letter sent
I lost that moment
I lost that moment
Seconds at a time
Seconds at a time
I wait for your answer
But I already know
Your hand was always mine

Your hand was always mine
Your hand was always mine

Dear my closest friend
I'm writing because
I miss you so much

Can't we all just get along?

Oh wise internet I seek your wisdom once again. So a female friend of mine recently reconnected with a guy friend of hers from her high school. So they're talking and catching up when he admits to her that he has always liked, her that since high school he has still liked her and that whole deal. As she is telling me about him she says that they have a lot in common and that, that scares her. Why does it scare her? Because he knows her so well, just by looking into her eyes even and what she wants is someone who'll be a challenge. Will challenge her, someone she'll butt heads with.

Now here is where I am confused. Is a person understanding you and having lots in common with you necessarily a bad thing? If not when does it become a bad thing? I don't know to me, if you guys can work well together in a relationship and butt heads as little as possible it seems like a good thing. I don't know that is just me. What do you think?

Trust Me, I'm God

Trust (n): assured reliance on the character, ability, strength, or truth of someone or something.

So, there I was about a month ago, sitting in the Prayer Chapel at Biola University. I had went to God because i was hurting badly. I went to God for comfort, for guidance and do you know what I got out of this? Nothing. I sat there and bore my heart to God, I cried and I felt pain and I felt nothing but that pain and an emptiness in my chest. I had asked, pleaded and begged God to not leave me alone, to send me someone to give me comfort, support, anything. To not feel this type of loneliness I was feeling. Know what I got in return? Nothing, absolutely nothing. I left there that night with that pain and that emptiness still swelling in my chest. So I came up with an idea of what to do about it. I went to go see two people for comfort, for help (yes I do realize I had tried to do things my way and find an answer and that, that road never ends well) but neither of them had been around for me to talk to that night. Great, just great. So i did the next best thing, I went back to the room to sleep.

For two weeks I held onto that feeling of pain, the feeling of emptiness in my chest. It lingered there no matter what I did. So I decided I'd just sit down and think/write/meditate it out. As I wrote out what I had been feeling, I started writing and eventually came to a stop when I had realized what I had written. This is the original post:

You see, I don't know why but when it comes to me, I don't ask others for help. For some reason its hard for me to say "please, I need help. I'm hurting. I need help." I feel as if no one will be there for me. Why? Aren't they my friends? Then why can't I just reach out and ask for help? I don't know. Perhaps it is because i didn't deal with an old issue and it developed into something more. I begged God to not leave me, to not let me be and feel so alone. But then, if God never left me, and loves me, and my friends love me too and are there for me, why do I have to be so afraid?

I came to the conclusion that when it came to trusting God, to trusting people, I stayed at a distance. i didn't want to get hurt. I didn't want to get so close that if something happened it would hurt me so badly. But that is also why I have always questioned how much faith I put into God. I didn't put all my trust in Him, despite what I knew, what I believed. Despite all he had done for me to teach me. It was all to end up here, with me writing that and there I admit something so deep and dark that is inside me. So I prayed, I prayed that God would help me trust Him more, that I can reach out to my Brother's and Sister's in Christ more in trust and love.

Now, I'll tell you why I told you this. Because last week, I almost lost my father. My father has been sick for years, even before I was ever born he has been sick and has only been getting worse. So a week ago in the midst of all the crap that was happening i questioned what God was trying to tell me. I asked "what can I even possibly learn from this? What can become of it?" And all I heard was that reminder about trust. SO I trusted Him, I put he reigns down of me trying to control my life and let God take over, trusting Him. As of Tuesday my dad came back home form the hospital, several times better. Even despite this, he is still sick but all I can do is trust God and though I didn't get a chance to tell a lot of people I did tell a few so I start small and work my way.

I don't know why its hard for me to reach out and ask "please pray, please help." Its just the way I am. I don;t want to be that way of course. I want to be able to share, to ask for help and prayer. I want to be able to love them fully, to help. So please don't be angry, just be a little patient with me, I'll get there.

I cannot learn to love my neighbour till I learn to love God. I cannot learn to love God except by learning to obey Him-C.S. Lewis

Noises and Voices

Noises, so many noises in my head. Voices, so many voices in my head. Noises and voices, each one i dread. They leave and come back, can't seem to get them out of my head. My head, oh God my head. No matter what I do there just doesn't seem to be an end. Oh, God where is this going? Is this how it ends? I need to keep my trust in You, I need to keep my love in You. It just seems so hard sometimes. Help me Lord, give me some strength, give me some hope, give me a miracle. Give me You.