Trust Me, I'm God

Trust (n): assured reliance on the character, ability, strength, or truth of someone or something.

So, there I was about a month ago, sitting in the Prayer Chapel at Biola University. I had went to God because i was hurting badly. I went to God for comfort, for guidance and do you know what I got out of this? Nothing. I sat there and bore my heart to God, I cried and I felt pain and I felt nothing but that pain and an emptiness in my chest. I had asked, pleaded and begged God to not leave me alone, to send me someone to give me comfort, support, anything. To not feel this type of loneliness I was feeling. Know what I got in return? Nothing, absolutely nothing. I left there that night with that pain and that emptiness still swelling in my chest. So I came up with an idea of what to do about it. I went to go see two people for comfort, for help (yes I do realize I had tried to do things my way and find an answer and that, that road never ends well) but neither of them had been around for me to talk to that night. Great, just great. So i did the next best thing, I went back to the room to sleep.

For two weeks I held onto that feeling of pain, the feeling of emptiness in my chest. It lingered there no matter what I did. So I decided I'd just sit down and think/write/meditate it out. As I wrote out what I had been feeling, I started writing and eventually came to a stop when I had realized what I had written. This is the original post:

You see, I don't know why but when it comes to me, I don't ask others for help. For some reason its hard for me to say "please, I need help. I'm hurting. I need help." I feel as if no one will be there for me. Why? Aren't they my friends? Then why can't I just reach out and ask for help? I don't know. Perhaps it is because i didn't deal with an old issue and it developed into something more. I begged God to not leave me, to not let me be and feel so alone. But then, if God never left me, and loves me, and my friends love me too and are there for me, why do I have to be so afraid?

I came to the conclusion that when it came to trusting God, to trusting people, I stayed at a distance. i didn't want to get hurt. I didn't want to get so close that if something happened it would hurt me so badly. But that is also why I have always questioned how much faith I put into God. I didn't put all my trust in Him, despite what I knew, what I believed. Despite all he had done for me to teach me. It was all to end up here, with me writing that and there I admit something so deep and dark that is inside me. So I prayed, I prayed that God would help me trust Him more, that I can reach out to my Brother's and Sister's in Christ more in trust and love.

Now, I'll tell you why I told you this. Because last week, I almost lost my father. My father has been sick for years, even before I was ever born he has been sick and has only been getting worse. So a week ago in the midst of all the crap that was happening i questioned what God was trying to tell me. I asked "what can I even possibly learn from this? What can become of it?" And all I heard was that reminder about trust. SO I trusted Him, I put he reigns down of me trying to control my life and let God take over, trusting Him. As of Tuesday my dad came back home form the hospital, several times better. Even despite this, he is still sick but all I can do is trust God and though I didn't get a chance to tell a lot of people I did tell a few so I start small and work my way.

I don't know why its hard for me to reach out and ask "please pray, please help." Its just the way I am. I don;t want to be that way of course. I want to be able to share, to ask for help and prayer. I want to be able to love them fully, to help. So please don't be angry, just be a little patient with me, I'll get there.

I cannot learn to love my neighbour till I learn to love God. I cannot learn to love God except by learning to obey Him-C.S. Lewis