A nice comfy bed

So my friend and I got into the conversations of beds when she has said she loved beds and I sat and considered what she had said. I never took my love of beds into consideration since there were times I would sleep wherever I could so I took any object or space I laid down in/on was a bed. Then a thought occurred to me on how I would like to sleep outside. Maybe take a bed outside and sleep there looking at the stars, or waking up to the early morning fog, the sunrise, or the early morning dew. Best of all would be staring at the moon overhead and enjoying it as it moves across the sky. I don't know its kind of an idea I like a lot. Ha ha in fact my friend and I are planning an event for it some time in the future! Its a outside tea party at night with a projector now and a movie! Ha ha this will be fun for when it really does happen which I don;t think I'd make for along time with the fun of deciding when, where, how to get the beds,etc. Ha ha it is work in progress but still a good work! I will be happy to see how this goes! Ha ha some more of my mad genius coming to light ha ha.

But if I had one wish fulfilled tonight
I'd ask for the sun to never rise
If God passed a mic to me to speak
I'd say stay in bed, world
Sleep in peace

-THE CARDIGANS "No Sleep"

Forgiveness

Its a funny thing. I think there are two people in my life I could look at and say "No I do not forgive you for what you have done." That is what I would have said before but now...I don't know. There have been incidents which have allowed me to change my opinion of these two people. First off was one day in church when we were going to take communion. The Lord spoke to my heart and my spirit was grieved when I realized I held hatred for these two. So God told me that if I wanted to take communion I'd have to forgive them. That was step 1. Step 2 was interactions with the two people which has led me to where I am at right now.

One of them is my ex girlfriend who, by means of text messaging, broke up with me. From a different state, Alaska to be more precise. So that right there would leave a bitter taste in my mouth and some pain in my heart. Well she was one of the people who I had held feeling of hate and bitterness for. I actually had messaged her and explained in a long and lengthy message how I had felt and all of that lovely stuff. Now it didn't happen overnight I still felt somewhat nervous and uptight around her during these times. Of course I did I just asked for forgiveness but still getting used to the idea takes time. And honestly i do find myself wanting to spend time with her, granted it is FRIEND time as I have no interest in a relationship just to clear that up.

Now the second person, a former best friend, that is a little tricker. He and I were very close friends and through circumstances and events we stopped hanging out/calling each other and texting. We just sort of floated through life occasionally meeting when unfortunately drama raised its ugly head. The main reason is because I could never understand why he always made the same mistake over and over and over. Every single time. Even when I was convinced he had changed once he had disappointed me and had done the same thing again. There are so many details here I cannot express this to get the reaction you should have in hearing that I am forgiving him and everything. All that you should know is he had hurt a lot of people, many important to me and this is what had led to this. Well tonight as I write this I decided, why not? Why not give it a shot at friendship? In honesty I had pondered this several times while falling asleep. So I plan to walk up and talk to him and apologize to him.

Honestly I never thought I'd be here, letting these two people back in my life. I always assumed we'd just go our separate ways and just yeah. So I plan to let them back in more and more, repair friendships. It took a long time but this is where its come to, after so long. I have had a continual thought and that is, if I'm supposed to be like Christ, and Christ forgives then shouldn't I forgive them and everyone else?

Ah We Meet Again

And again I find myself lying in bed thinking of how much better it would be not to sleep alone. Sometimes I feel having someone laying next to me or having someone wrapped in my arms is sort of something that would provide comfort. Here's this person laying next to you almost giving a sort of comfort of being with you through the night and sharing something so important as sleep. I dunno maybe its just because Valentine's Day is coming? Maybe combined with the fact people are getting married, engaged and in relationships around me? Or, best of all, I'll now be single for 2 years now in February. Then again, maybe, just maybe, I'm lonely and just want someone to hold?

Image found here: http://frantic-sheep.deviantart.com/art/Don-t-You-Miss-That-Someone-12817560?q=boost:popular%20sleeping%20alone&qo=549

It's Raining Books!

Yes so today I got a wonderful surprise in the mail as my schoolbooks finally arrived! Well all but one but still I can finally start my classes that, unfortunately, started last week. Yikes, I know I am behind but what are you going to do about it right? So I have started reading already and boy is it some killer reading. It'll kick my butt but I gotta do it. I also bought two new books today from online, "Crazy Love" by Francis Chan and "The Problem of Suffering" by C.S. Lewis. I am excited for these books as they are for pleasure reading and will no doubt inspire many writings here and on my facebook in my notes.

This is all to b added to my collection of books I already have and now that I think about it I should post some pictures of my bookshelves. Yes, bookshelves as in more than one as my many statues and other assortments of crap need a home as well. So it'll be books, rocks, statues,etc really. Regardless of that I shall post sometime soon so you may enjoy the madness that is (at least part) my room.

I have to make a correction

I am almost certain before I have made the comment that I do not wish to be anything like my parents, this stemming from the arguments and fights we have had. But this morning as I sat and talked with my Dad and received some spiritual encouragement from him I decided I'd change what I said. I have no desire to take on any of the attributes I disagree with or any of their qualities that are negative. So I have no desire to give into the same negative qualities they have though now I realize I probably have my own downfalls that my own kids will say "I won't be like my parents!" Its a cycle and I only hope they to come to the same realization I have come to. That despite the bad times, the yelling, the anger and loud voices, they love me and aren't always like that. They have other qualities to themselves and I've failed to see them because of my own focus on the negative. So this is the realization I have come to. Crazy isn't it?

Something new

I learned something new this morning. I learned that when you're outside at 6 o'clock in the morning, the full moon looks amazing. :)

My neighbors think I'm crazy

I am sure my neighbors think I am crazy since I do so many odd things. For one whenever I return from one of my walks or trips somewhere I always walk in the middle of the street that runs down my street. Not sure why I do it but its just something that is enjoyable to me. Ah or how whenever there is a full moon I always walk and stare at it almost transfixed, or my favorite how whenever I take pictures I always go in my backyard so I am sure the neighbors have seen the crazy kid taking pictures of the sky. But I don't mind what they think I am enjoying the small things in life and journeying on. Its relaxing in fact. Are there odd little relaxing things you enjoy doing?

Thus far we've come

Things have taken an interesting turn since the last time I wrote. My last post was quite a dreary and dark one but hey it was a dreary and dark day. A lot has happened in such a short span. The day after that post I left with my friends on a three day trip to Vegas. Where I proceeded to get owned. Despite that I had a wonderful time with my friends and was grateful to get out of my house. Then I returned last week on friday and figured out just how crappy things were and had been in my absence. My brother hadn't been sleeping all that week apparently. Now no sleep is just isn't good for most people but for my brother it was worst because he is the type to worry about just about everything and it was a field day of worry for him. It got to the point where he had wanted to leave and attempted to twice while we slept but someone caught him each time. So this was a mountain of stress on my mother and of course when it rains it pours.

My father had felt chest pains the other day so we ha dhim taken to the hospital. My father's pneumonia had returned. Apparently since the insurance didn't want to pay for his stay they sent him home a little too soon and he had a relapse. Thank you insurance company for this wonderful time. Well today is apparently defeat the evils on monday day as my father came back home, fluid drained and looking and feeling better (again because of the insurance company) and my brother got some meds to help him sleep. It has been a busy but good day since they're both okay now.

I am considering making a drama or book out of my life. It'll be called "We're bad people". Why? I have no clue I just like it. A definite plus was a few days ago when some people from my church came to visit and pray and I was really strengthened by it and I deeply appreciate them for it. Things have cooled down and I hope they remain that way for a while now. Too much excitement for me in such a short time. Well that is my life thus far besides lack of sleep and general insanity. Hope everyone else is having a little more ups than downs nowadays. Good luck and God bless everyone.

A kind reminder

Of the failure that I am. Today I asked my mother if it was okay to go to Vegas with three other friends of mine. After talking about it for a bit and telling me that it was my decision and me telling her that she is the parent and thus it is her decision since I live under her roof and so I abide by her rules. Well basically I got a yes and was happy to be going on this adventure with my friends and to have a new experience. Then I was called out of the room I was in so my mom could talk to me.

My mother then asked what I was going to do about my online classes I was going to start on Tuesday. Now it is the first week and I do not have my books, mind you so there isn't much I can do. Well logic doesn't work for her that way and thus it was decided that I will fail this semester. Why? Because I am acting the same way I had been before when I was at my school. Putting fun before schoolwork apparently. Yes, before I took any classes, before I did any work my mother has decided that I was going to fail this semester and waste her money like I did before.

I was reminded, after some time surprisingly, that I failed and was kicked out of school and that is why I am in the situation I am in. I was reminded of what a failure I was and apparently am. This is discouraging but I should stop being surprised. I don't think I have ever really heard any praise in a long time from my parents or siblings. I suppose that is life. I guess in the end I need to stop seeking people's praises and seek God's. What's the worst part of it all? The fact that I feel like the shame of the family and that there is that voice that rings out "you just don't belong."

I'd like to add

That just because its a new year, doe snot mean that everything is going to start off great. It takes time and work. But if you're willing to put the effort into it, that is how you have a good year. So if today is not a good day (like mine) don't let that get you down, its the first step to a better year and hey look on the bright side. You've learned something new about the year already, it takes work and effort on your part. God Bless everyone and have a wonderful New Year's.