Merry (late) Christmas

To all of you here on blogger! I know I am a few days late but honestly I want to wish all of you a very Merry Christmas and I hope every one of you were blessed and had a wonderful time with family, and loved ones.

Patience

The other day at church I was reminded of a lesson that I had been learning.: patience. I remember speaking to the Lord one weekend when I was depressed about how things were and the answer I got. I had wanted life to tae a change, to go back to school, to read my bible more and study verses better, to find that special someone. You know what the Lord’s answer was? Patience. That those things take time and patience. Which is true, honestly. These things take time and unfortunately I don’t have much patience.

It’s just my mind is against me often and it is frustrating. It keeps giving me negative thoughts like “it’ll be years before you graduate” or “you don’t have the money” and just other demeaning things. But God has a plan and is faithful and just…I don’t know. I trust Him, and believe I’ll be led to where I need to go, that He’ll provide for me. Of course, I have my own part to do, such as stop being so freaking lazy and putting things off until the last minute.

I have to change myself. Honestly, at one point this year I actually liked the person I was becoming but now after so many different things that have happened, I don’t like myself very much. I got lazy again, and I think its one of my many coping mechanisms with stress and things I cannot control. But I am trying to get better to make my coping mechanism the only one I need, going to God. I have to let go of my fears and the constant negative thoughts of my failure.

I realized that attending my school was quite a gift, one that I let slip through my fingers. I was blessed, and like with most things, I didn’t realize it until it was gone. Honestly now I don’t know whether or not its my will or God’s that I return to my school or not. Honestly I want to try and see what happens and I pray that if it isn’t God’s will, to let that door close on me and lead me elsewhere. Because I could finish my degree online but if I can go back to school…well then I’d really love to. Hindsight’s 20/20 huh?

I imagine my thoughts are like what the children of Israel must have thought (okay that may be stretching it a bit) with that fact I realize too late that my murmuring, and irresponsibility is keeping me from Gods blessings. When they were denied access to the promised land, Israel suddenly realized that “they done goofed” and that they wanted it bad enough to do anything to get it once it was taken. Granted, Israel did in time receive the blessing of the promised land and honestly, I may return to school, I may not but God is in control and he has a will for my life. It may not be what I want but if it’s what God has given me then it is what I NEED.

The most important thing is to remind myself why I am doing what I am doing. It is for God’s glory and HIS will and not for my own. I have to remember to die to myself and my will. I am lessened so that He may be uplifted higher than myself. I am a slave to righteousness and Christ.

"Do you know that nothing you do in this life will ever matter, unless it is about loving God and loving the people He has made."
-Francis Chan

Another day, Another Migraine

Another day of yelling and loud voices. I can't take this anymore, it's getting to be too much. I don't want to live here anymore. I wanna leave and just be happy. But I can't, not in this house. Not when everyday I have to wake up to this. Always the same thing, loud voices of regret, of wanting to "not be here anymore", of blaming people for what they've done. It's always the same and I am sick and tired of it. No wonder I am messed up about love. There's none in this house, this can't be love. I refuse to believe it and I refuse to be like them.

I've already made it clear I intend to be nothing like them when I am a parent. I won't yell in front of my kids, I won't belittle my wife, I won't talk of regrets and "what-if's" and the sort. I want them to be happy at home. Because home is supposed to be a safe place but if its some place you get no peace then what? This place isn't healthy mentally or emotionally.

I know i know. if you want things to change and be different then get up and do something. Well that's my plan. i have to change myself first. I'm going to start working harder and get to being an adult and just praying and hoping God will show me the way. I dunno, it's just too much sometimes you know? I don't know. Some worship music and some prayer will do me some good right now.

An Annoyance

So my brother walks into my room and proceeds to bombard me with a whole bunch of "what if's..." Like what would have happened if my mother had gotten a better lawyer years ago after my Dad got sick or what would have happened if they rented out their old house. See, I hear this all the time and while mildly annoying, its not what I had a problem with. No, what I had a problem with was my brother brushing off the fact that my mother would never had to have watched foster children and thus I would never have been here, adopted.

You see they do this. They don't think before they speak. WHen my mother is upset with my dad and their arguing she says things like "I'm sorry you have to be in this home, I should have let you go on to a better home." Really? Seriously? There is no guarantee I would have gone to a "better home" or if I would have ended up just being bounced around the system. Heck I could be in jail, doing drugs or worse dead right now, and even worst than that I could have ended up not knowing Christ!

It hurts and infuriates me when they say this and honestly the next time they bring it up I am just going to let them have it about how I feel because I am sick and tired of this. PLus, honestly, looking back and wishing and complaining bout how things are is stupid. What good will any of that do? Just makes you depressed and wishful but none of that is any good. Just bothers me they always do this. Why can't they be happy with what they have? I mean sure, it's not wrong to want more, or to change things but to constantly talk about it and do nothing is just ridiculous. I don't know. Just me ranting I guess.