Patience

The other day at church I was reminded of a lesson that I had been learning.: patience. I remember speaking to the Lord one weekend when I was depressed about how things were and the answer I got. I had wanted life to tae a change, to go back to school, to read my bible more and study verses better, to find that special someone. You know what the Lord’s answer was? Patience. That those things take time and patience. Which is true, honestly. These things take time and unfortunately I don’t have much patience.

It’s just my mind is against me often and it is frustrating. It keeps giving me negative thoughts like “it’ll be years before you graduate” or “you don’t have the money” and just other demeaning things. But God has a plan and is faithful and just…I don’t know. I trust Him, and believe I’ll be led to where I need to go, that He’ll provide for me. Of course, I have my own part to do, such as stop being so freaking lazy and putting things off until the last minute.

I have to change myself. Honestly, at one point this year I actually liked the person I was becoming but now after so many different things that have happened, I don’t like myself very much. I got lazy again, and I think its one of my many coping mechanisms with stress and things I cannot control. But I am trying to get better to make my coping mechanism the only one I need, going to God. I have to let go of my fears and the constant negative thoughts of my failure.

I realized that attending my school was quite a gift, one that I let slip through my fingers. I was blessed, and like with most things, I didn’t realize it until it was gone. Honestly now I don’t know whether or not its my will or God’s that I return to my school or not. Honestly I want to try and see what happens and I pray that if it isn’t God’s will, to let that door close on me and lead me elsewhere. Because I could finish my degree online but if I can go back to school…well then I’d really love to. Hindsight’s 20/20 huh?

I imagine my thoughts are like what the children of Israel must have thought (okay that may be stretching it a bit) with that fact I realize too late that my murmuring, and irresponsibility is keeping me from Gods blessings. When they were denied access to the promised land, Israel suddenly realized that “they done goofed” and that they wanted it bad enough to do anything to get it once it was taken. Granted, Israel did in time receive the blessing of the promised land and honestly, I may return to school, I may not but God is in control and he has a will for my life. It may not be what I want but if it’s what God has given me then it is what I NEED.

The most important thing is to remind myself why I am doing what I am doing. It is for God’s glory and HIS will and not for my own. I have to remember to die to myself and my will. I am lessened so that He may be uplifted higher than myself. I am a slave to righteousness and Christ.

"Do you know that nothing you do in this life will ever matter, unless it is about loving God and loving the people He has made."
-Francis Chan