The weight of happiness and grief

Today, two long time family friends came by. It's a Christmas tradition to exchange gifts between our families and it is always a joy to see them this time of year. Except, their visit this year came with sad news. Our friend's husband has had a bad bought with high blood pressure and not treating it for some time has caused an issue with a growth of some type (whether tumor or blood clot is unclear) in his brain. They're struggling through it and trying to decide what their next steps are, whether to sell and move or return to their homeland. I am always ecstatic to see them because visits from them are rare and so few that it fills me with joy. But this time was bittersweet. Hearing the news filled me with sadness. It's one of those situations where bad things happen to people you love and you can't help but think "they don't deserve this". 

What's more is my inability to do anything truly for them. I'm no doctor, I'm no miracle maker. All I could do was tell them I'd pray for them and I plan to have my church and Bible Study pray for them as well but I still feel so helpless being unable to provide any help or answers. All I can do is pray and hey maybe that is enough, maybe it'll work a miracle but the human in me wants to move the moon and stars for them just to help them out. I wish I could do more but I can't, not right now. I offer my prayers to them for strength and healing. They're good people. Kind people and I hope for nothing but the best and good things for them. I love you guys and I wish there were enough words and actions for me to show it. 

Winter Time Blues

I always get majorly pumped for fall time and Halloween and this year was no different. Unfortunately, it's what comes after the month of October that I absolutely hate: my depressed rut. Unfortunately for me, my idiot brain went and associates this time of year with romance and my past relationships. See, in high school, this time of year was the moment I was making big steps in starting up my first high school relationship. I was planning on asking a girl out, talking to her parents and buying her a great gift for Christmas. Pretty huge stuff for a hormonal teenage boy who is trying to figure everything wrong or right to say.

So whenever this time of year occurs, it reminds me of the romantic moments I shared with this girl and other girls around this time of year. Another moment was going out to Disneyland with a girl I was dating, another was thinking of how close I came to dating another girl and all the moments we shared. So whenever this time of year comes around it makes me a little depressed (okay a lot) at remembering those moments. It also doesn't help I am fast approaching my wonderful 8th year of living the single life while so many around me are getting married and starting families. All while I am here doing, well, nothing.

Like I get it. I'm in a season of waiting, learning patience and how to be an adult but that doesn't make it taste any less bitter. Just, ugh. I wish I wasn't such a hopeless romantic. I was getting better at conquering that part and pulling the reigns on my heart to actually not be dumb and create expectations and scenarios. But recently with the flood of things on social media about couples, not going out as much to vent all my frustrations and just general depression I have been in this seasonal rut. Course there's also my inability to not procrastinate and just ugh. I need a vacation. A getaway to just spend time with no one around and vent it all out.

Good bye Dad

The world goes on but my father does not. I saw today the world. It spun around on its axis. People going about their business as usual. But in the midst of this usual there was mourning. My father went on home to be with the Lord today. Writing is leaves a strange taste in my mouth. Writing it does nothing for it. I type these words and he is still dead. And so I go on but he does not. How strange of a thing. I'd been told so many times that after someone dies, the world goes on without them, not missing a beat. It was not because he wasn't an important man or celebrity but because that's just how it works. There is no sudden end to the spinning, there is no sudden great pause. There is only continuation. And so I must continue. I must go on. Just like the world.

Days Gone Bye

After a session of sad songs and old blog posts I decided the best course of action would be to obviously go through my picture album on my computer. Because why not right? Extra stab in the heart! Seeing all the peoples faces who saw everyday in high school was an odd thing. How different are those people now! Where they went, the paths they chose to pursue, the people they became and the live they lead today. Such an odd thing. Ghosts, that what they are. Because none of those people, in a way, are alive anymore. They turned into different people. Like a snake skin they grew and shed off their old selves. Their mannerisms changed along with their convictions, ideals, philosophies on life and even tastes in different things. Even a friend who I follow on here (who hasn't posted in three years) is a different person than who they were then! Even myself from my writings here, the pictures I am in, are all different and old. Even I am dead. But parts of me aren't, the ones I want to change. I remember a verse that says "put away childish things" and I somewhat understand more so now what it meant. I've changed and there needs to be more changes. I've grown but somewhere along the way I stopped or impeded my growth and I have to get back on track to fixing that.

Just so weird to see those faces and compare them to today. I miss them I do, I honestly do. But there has to be an understanding: they're not coming back. No matter how hard I try, no matter how hard I wish they're gone. But I can enjoy the memories of them and the nostalgia so long as I am not sucked into them and stuck there. This is a first step in understanding. This is the first step in growing. Thank you to the people of the past. But that's where you are, the past. I have to leave you there. It hurts, my God how it hurts. But this I must do. Thank you all for the memories. I shall always cherish them.

Thank you for everything

I wanted to say thanks to a blogger who, sadly, doesn't post and isn't here anymore. This one:http://thelastvonny.blogspot.com or rather, "Yvonne". Thank you for the kind comments you posted on my posts when I was a dumb kid who was none the wiser about the world. I think we were both the same type of people, travelers. Looking for a place in this world. I hope you found yours. I hope you found an abundance of happiness and adventures and you're smiling now. Thank you again for talking to me when you did and being an awesome person and amazing blogger. Thanks for sharing a little bit of your life with me and those who followed your blog. I wish I could say it to you online here or better yet in person but since I can't: Thank you.

The hopeless romantic vs the realist

Had a funny moment at church last week before service. Once, a long time ago, an elder sister in church had talked to me and she had asked if I were: married, engaged or dating anyone. As odd and embarrassing as it was I told her I was single and had been for a while. She assured me that I'd find the right woman someday and that she'd be praying for me and my future wife. Fast forward to last week and I was in a rut. I'd been feeling down and depressed because I was facing the realization that I was approaching being single and alone for another year and that soon it'd be 7 years of being single. That's a long time and a daunting thing to think about when you're surrounded by couples both getting married and starting families. Coupled with being a hopeless romantic and man its a sinking feeling inside. Then the sister had asked me at random "Met that woman of God for you yet?". Dumbfounded and stunned I could only stand there. I'm not sure where her asking me that came from but it happened and I stammered out a "No" and she walked off, smiling and said "Ah that's okay! You got time! I'll keep praying for her and you too!" and she walked off happily. 

Sometimes God has a sense of humor I do not understand and that I do not see coming. It comes off as some sort of reassuring pat on the back and reminder that "He is ever mindful of me" and is looking out for me. I can confess I haven't gone to Him like I should and maybe I'd have been able to avoid the pitfalls of my thinking had I been wise enough to remember that but God had his hand on it before I even knew it. It's just sometimes its hard. Hard when even my ex-girlfriends are getting married and having kids. Its hard when I have to come face to face with the long feared truth being the girls I fawned after in my high school years and earlier twenties aren't going to wait forever for me and are moving on with their lives. When suddenly the hopeless romantic in me is shriveling up and the realist is becoming more clear and growing. All of that overbearing weight in my thoughts led me to one conclusion: I'm going to never be married, never be a father and be alone for the rest of my life.

Yeah, I know that is an odd idea to come to but in my mood during this time it makes sense. See, the idea of being alone, and not having that "true love" or "special person in my life" is a frightening one. At least that's what was always fed to me in every show I watched as a kid and teen that helped shape the fear. No one was ever happy alone and so I searched for that person, for my "soul mate". Not realizing that, it's not the end of the world if I end up single for life or not be married. I suppose that fear, even now as I write, is the hopeless romantic panicking at the thought of me accepting that. Course the elder sisters comments helped stoke a fire that put some pep back in my step that " maybe I will find the woman of my dreams someday!". Then again maybe not. Hm. I suppose it's another one of those "Grow some patience and wait" lessons God is so fond of with teaching me. 

How do I break out of this mold?

There are things I hate about myself. I suppose everybody does but only I can do anything about my things. My apathy, my laziness, my lack of energy to get up and do something and self-discipline. The things that I believe makes someone an adult. The things I know I stunted the growth of in me. But these things I hate, I want to change about myself for the better. The only question is: how? How do I let go of these traits I despise and that have led me to, well, nowhere. 

Whenever I ask myself how to fix myself, I feel as though it's a lost cause. Like an old house in such bad shape it isn't worth fixing. Am I worth fixing? What will come out of fixing those things I hate? Reliability, trust, self-respect. Those are some sweet sounding words but...i dunno is it worth it? I can try to work on them and see. See, if there is any happiness or happier feelings at the end of that road.