Days Gone Bye

After a session of sad songs and old blog posts I decided the best course of action would be to obviously go through my picture album on my computer. Because why not right? Extra stab in the heart! Seeing all the peoples faces who saw everyday in high school was an odd thing. How different are those people now! Where they went, the paths they chose to pursue, the people they became and the live they lead today. Such an odd thing. Ghosts, that what they are. Because none of those people, in a way, are alive anymore. They turned into different people. Like a snake skin they grew and shed off their old selves. Their mannerisms changed along with their convictions, ideals, philosophies on life and even tastes in different things. Even a friend who I follow on here (who hasn't posted in three years) is a different person than who they were then! Even myself from my writings here, the pictures I am in, are all different and old. Even I am dead. But parts of me aren't, the ones I want to change. I remember a verse that says "put away childish things" and I somewhat understand more so now what it meant. I've changed and there needs to be more changes. I've grown but somewhere along the way I stopped or impeded my growth and I have to get back on track to fixing that.

Just so weird to see those faces and compare them to today. I miss them I do, I honestly do. But there has to be an understanding: they're not coming back. No matter how hard I try, no matter how hard I wish they're gone. But I can enjoy the memories of them and the nostalgia so long as I am not sucked into them and stuck there. This is a first step in understanding. This is the first step in growing. Thank you to the people of the past. But that's where you are, the past. I have to leave you there. It hurts, my God how it hurts. But this I must do. Thank you all for the memories. I shall always cherish them.

Thank you for everything

I wanted to say thanks to a blogger who, sadly, doesn't post and isn't here anymore. This one:http://thelastvonny.blogspot.com or rather, "Yvonne". Thank you for the kind comments you posted on my posts when I was a dumb kid who was none the wiser about the world. I think we were both the same type of people, travelers. Looking for a place in this world. I hope you found yours. I hope you found an abundance of happiness and adventures and you're smiling now. Thank you again for talking to me when you did and being an awesome person and amazing blogger. Thanks for sharing a little bit of your life with me and those who followed your blog. I wish I could say it to you online here or better yet in person but since I can't: Thank you.

The hopeless romantic vs the realist

Had a funny moment at church last week before service. Once, a long time ago, an elder sister in church had talked to me and she had asked if I were: married, engaged or dating anyone. As odd and embarrassing as it was I told her I was single and had been for a while. She assured me that I'd find the right woman someday and that she'd be praying for me and my future wife. Fast forward to last week and I was in a rut. I'd been feeling down and depressed because I was facing the realization that I was approaching being single and alone for another year and that soon it'd be 7 years of being single. That's a long time and a daunting thing to think about when you're surrounded by couples both getting married and starting families. Coupled with being a hopeless romantic and man its a sinking feeling inside. Then the sister had asked me at random "Met that woman of God for you yet?". Dumbfounded and stunned I could only stand there. I'm not sure where her asking me that came from but it happened and I stammered out a "No" and she walked off, smiling and said "Ah that's okay! You got time! I'll keep praying for her and you too!" and she walked off happily. 

Sometimes God has a sense of humor I do not understand and that I do not see coming. It comes off as some sort of reassuring pat on the back and reminder that "He is ever mindful of me" and is looking out for me. I can confess I haven't gone to Him like I should and maybe I'd have been able to avoid the pitfalls of my thinking had I been wise enough to remember that but God had his hand on it before I even knew it. It's just sometimes its hard. Hard when even my ex-girlfriends are getting married and having kids. Its hard when I have to come face to face with the long feared truth being the girls I fawned after in my high school years and earlier twenties aren't going to wait forever for me and are moving on with their lives. When suddenly the hopeless romantic in me is shriveling up and the realist is becoming more clear and growing. All of that overbearing weight in my thoughts led me to one conclusion: I'm going to never be married, never be a father and be alone for the rest of my life.

Yeah, I know that is an odd idea to come to but in my mood during this time it makes sense. See, the idea of being alone, and not having that "true love" or "special person in my life" is a frightening one. At least that's what was always fed to me in every show I watched as a kid and teen that helped shape the fear. No one was ever happy alone and so I searched for that person, for my "soul mate". Not realizing that, it's not the end of the world if I end up single for life or not be married. I suppose that fear, even now as I write, is the hopeless romantic panicking at the thought of me accepting that. Course the elder sisters comments helped stoke a fire that put some pep back in my step that " maybe I will find the woman of my dreams someday!". Then again maybe not. Hm. I suppose it's another one of those "Grow some patience and wait" lessons God is so fond of with teaching me. 

How do I break out of this mold?

There are things I hate about myself. I suppose everybody does but only I can do anything about my things. My apathy, my laziness, my lack of energy to get up and do something and self-discipline. The things that I believe makes someone an adult. The things I know I stunted the growth of in me. But these things I hate, I want to change about myself for the better. The only question is: how? How do I let go of these traits I despise and that have led me to, well, nowhere. 

Whenever I ask myself how to fix myself, I feel as though it's a lost cause. Like an old house in such bad shape it isn't worth fixing. Am I worth fixing? What will come out of fixing those things I hate? Reliability, trust, self-respect. Those are some sweet sounding words but...i dunno is it worth it? I can try to work on them and see. See, if there is any happiness or happier feelings at the end of that road.