Where are you, O dead man?

I am dead. No, not literally, that's just silly. Spiritually though. I'm not really in a crisis of faith I'm just...laying here. Well maybe I'm dying more like it but I'm definitely not who I used to be. I think my laziness has gotten the best of me in this time and I've just been so, so, overloaded. Life took turns this year that has me burnt out. So much that I just don't want to do anything anymore. I was doing so well at the beginning of the year but now I feel like a chair has been kicked out from under me.

My Bible, as I am ashamed to admit has sat on the floor in the same spot for months. My books on theology and faith sit unread and collecting dust. I'm not reading my daily devotional like I used to and I feel drained spiritually. Life just has a way of getting away from us, doesn't it? Things so simple int he beginning feels like a weight now. I find myself motivated, late at night but still don't do anything. The "well its the only time to myself I have throughout the day" really takes its toll on the things I want to do vs the things I OUGHT to do.

It becomes a tedious, difficult challenge that feels more like pulling teeth than doing something that sparks joy in my heart. I am ashamed of it. I never would've done this before but it's taken such a toll on me this year. Even trying to write more just seems so difficult to do here. The once hungry man is simply dead in the water. I hungered for more but no longer. I feel dried and shriveled up.

But I can take that step to fix it. Why don't I? I'm scared. Scared of what the future hold for me. I know I'm teetering at a point that will define my life. I feel it calling to me. The weight of the future and responsibility, real adulthood looking me in the face and it scares me. So keep running. I'm a coward. I'm not even dead I just don't want to face the truth and give up these negative things that I've held onto the last few years. They were a comfort to me and if I throw them away what am I?

A new man. But who is that man? What will he do? What will he say? I want to know and yet, I am afraid.

"The first step is always the hardest"-a close and dear friend

I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do.-Romans 7:15

RESPONSIBILITY

Ah responsibility, my arch-nemesis. I've struggled with being a responsible person my entire life. I remember the after school lectures in elementary school on my way home with my mother about "taking responsibility for your work and getting the things done you need to get done". This is probably the most significant moment in my life where I can say she was definitely right. I DO need to take responsibility. Recent events in life pushed me to just being burnt out, at least that is what I tell myself but I just feel so...unmotivated. That's definitely led to my current troubles and I will solve them it's just stressful and I wish I wasn't the type of person who procrastinated and messed up like this so much. 

But I take that path because, to me, it's the least resistance. It's so easy to let the work pile up, the work goes undone and lets things get worse and worse. It stares me in front of my dumb face and I let it win! It's embarrassing. I don't want to be embarrassed anymore. I want to be better. I WILL be better. 

-Ben Franklin

Forever Young

One of my favorite past times is reading manga. A lot of it is romance, a slice of life type stuff. Watching characters lives go through school and sometimes afterward, reminds me of my own life and the way so may friends and peers went. Some went the way of college, others took time off to find themselves, some went into parenthood, into work, etc. It makes me sit back and compare the days of characters to my own experiences in high school and its similarities. I think about those days past who I was in high school and the differences between now and then from high school and onward. I wouldn't say I was unpopular but I wasn't part of the "In crowd" around the school. I had my own group of friends and we were just us. I remember the dumb conversations and the dumb jokes we had, all usually the same daily ones. It was fun and it was us.  As the main character, I would definitely be the kind who is "not very good at sports, studying or romance." Perfect for someone to be thrust into a life of adventure right?

I think back about my time alone back then that was mostly with homework or dicking around online with webcomics, youtube, or talking about recent videogames with friends. Heck, this was the day of myspace so I'll let you think about how cool we were back then! But that was back then and this is now. I think of the person I was back then. Full of arrogance, a know it all, energetic, adventurous. It, sort of brings me down sometimes you know? I think back to those years and wonder "man did I just waste my time"? Did I waste my youthful days? I think of that now, at 31, in the position I'm in and my answer now would be yes. 

I think back at how adventurous I COULD'VE been, how I could've taken more risks, gone out more, experience more love and heartbreak, go to more events, shows, and out more. I think back to the hopeless romantic fool, who thought he knew about love and life. He's no there anymore though. The man today is tired, worried about the future, retirement, career going nowhere, bills, owning a home someday. I've been single for over a decade so let that teach you what I know about love. But that's just the person I am now. 

The person back then in high school, at the end of college, 5 years ago and today are all different people. I guess people are like seasons. They change. People move, comics end, jokes get replaced, hobbies and interests die and new ones bloom. We change. We all do. I supposed the nostalgia I'm always feeling is simply from me not liking myself much now. At least the person in the current place. But things change. Seasons change. 

The day will come when I'm a different person and life will be different. I do wish that I had more time I guess? More time to experience those things I feel I missed out on you know?  I think about the main characters and side characters in my manga who go do things and have experiences and think "why not me?" Well, why not me? It isn't too late, is it? I think this is more of a messy venting of "it's never too late to go forward or change" as I feel nostalgic for the old days. I think I feel nostalgic now because things aren't where I want to be. But they can be, will be, might be. I guess I can't be nostalgic forever and things change, like seasons. 

Forever young
I want to be forever young
Do you really want to live forever?
Forever, and ever-Alphaville "Forever young"

A New Vision

With the New year comes a reinvigoration to get up and do something different. We make resolution son changing things for the better like, losing weight, reading more books, connecting with friends more, etc. I am no different as the New Year lit a fire in me to do better and be better. For instance, my health. I got a scare near the end of last year where my doctor wanted me to come in and talk to me about the results of my physical I had. I was nervous, thinking that he may have found something wrong with me or that I was dying. Nothing of the sort luckily, however, my cholesterol was a little bit higher than he liked. So it was off for me to start a new journey: healthier eating.

This was the sort of push I needed and really wanted to be more...adultlike. I find myself often seeing myself as still young and foolish when it comes to basically responsibility and pulling my head out of my butt. I mean at 30 I SHOULD have an idea of what it means to be an adult or rather, how to be better disciplined in being responsible. yeah, no such luck. However, the New Year brought me an invigoration of energy and resolve to push myself forward. With my health, my hygiene, my appearance, finances and most of all: my faith.

I wanted to get back to days that honestly I saw as brighter. I wanted to pray more, read my Bible more, grow deeper in my walk with the Lord and stop standing in shallow waters. I wanted to dive deep and experience, God. Well, easier said than done because I have zero clues what God wants me to do. Now it should be said I'm still working on daily devotions, prayer, and Bible reading. But before that during a New Year service, it seemed everyone had something to say to me as encouragement. My pastor, telling me to quit sitting and messing around and to go full in with my service in the church and a brother telling me that I need to lead. Lead what? Dive into where? I don't know!

Okay, not the total truth I have...ideas. I could lead a Bible Study but there's already one just up the street from me so not here but maybe take over or help teach one? I'd also like to try and lead a ministry? Get better connected? I don't know and it's frustrating! Gotta just focus and try and discern everything. Best bet is to pray about and seek God for the answer. Oh and patiently waiting. Man I hate patience.

2020: Structural integrity

Structural integrity is the ability of an item—either a structural component or a structure consisting of many components—to hold together under a load, including its own weight, without breaking or deforming excessively"

An interesting thought popped into my head thinking about going forward in this new year. I was thinking about all of the changes I wanted to make in myself and how I wanted to grow. The thought frightened me and I thought about how difficult it was going to be and how much work it would take to commit to all of the changes I wanted to make in my own life and grow as a person. Then I thought about prayer and trying to trust God through it and keep me stable. Then boom! The idea for the title struck and here we are!

It's a daunting thing really. Here I am, staring at this colossal wall that I have built of insecurities, fear, negative habits, and so many things I don't like about myself that I want to fix. Originally I wanted to say "I want to patch up this wall" but that won't do at all, will it? No, it's a big job, a lot of work, and you gotta start from the ground up. Tear down the old and begin anew. From it being about myself I want to get better to be a better servant to Christ, not just myself. That's the primary thing. Christ repairing the wall in me, building a new one, a new man. Covering up my weaknesses, fixing my flaws, destroying the bad parts. 

I can be new. I can be different. I can do it. Not by my strength but by Christ's. I need to focus and rely on His strength and His will in my life. Not my own. I don't think there's anything wrong with certain parts I want to fix and go on to being better in areas I feel need work in. My laziness, my forgetfulness, my rampant procrastination. I can be different. I can be new again. I can be the man Christ intended me to be. I need Him as my strength, to lift me up and keep me strong. Not to buckle under the weight of life and things I give too much power too. I remember being told that "Being the same in public as you are in private". Well, I want that person to be in Christ and to be strong. 

Christ be the center of our lives
Be the place we fix our eyes
Be the center of our lives"- "center" by Charlie Hall