Gotta stay strong

So just when I think that things are going to get better and calm down it all blows up again. So my school put me on financial probation before because i hadn't made a satisfactory advancement. I could not do this due to the fact that I was on probation and could not take nay classes to help me further myself anymore as I was limited to repeat courses and 13 units at the most. Now they aren't going to give me as much financial aid because of this. This. Is. Lame. Honestly I just needed to write this out. I know I need to hang on and keep strong but yeah its hard. I need strength from God because that is what its going to take to keep me sane.

To be or not to be

That is the question. No I am not talking about suicide. This is in reference to something else.: my parents. honestly i have always thought that my parents way of parenting and their relationship was the way its supposed to be because hey we learn form our parents right? Wrong. I have almost without a shadow of a doubt come to the conclusion that i want to be nothing like my parents. My parents relationship is one that has so many regrets in it: being married too early, financial mistakes, health issues, loss of respect and love. So many things wrong even if they are still married I fear that is out of Biblical reasoning than choice. It sucks and i have told a close friend of mine remind me that if I start acting like that to slap some sense into me. I just cannot see their marriage as something I'd want and I am surprised I'm not turned off to marriage completely. But I suppose its a good thing. My friends mother told me that we always want to default to the way our parents parented. But we have to blaze our own trail and figure out how to do it our way for ourselves with some notes from our parents. But this is just a rant. I am nowhere near ready to have kids for a while so no worries for now.

Happy Anniversary to me...

This was originally written on the 21 of June, which is the anniversary of my break up with my girlfriend. Now see we were only together 6 months but knew each other for 4 years so were extremely close already. IN fact I could say that she was the only girl I ever loved that I was in a relationship with and in fact the only one I never said I love you to. Honestly, it still hurts but a heck of a lot less as I have let a lot go recently and slowly forgiving her and letting the blame game end and everything. It still hurts and you may ask me why I haven't tried getting back with her if it hurts so much and if I still love her right? Well when we had broken up she was in Alaska and while there she took a complete turn in personality. So much that the person i love and dated was gone and replaced with someone I couldn't be with due to my value and convictions. So that can and could never be fulfilled. In all honesty I am happy that I was not as depressed on this day as I thought I would be. It means i have moved on and healing better than I thought.

With a little help from my friends

So I am writing this after another what I like to call "therapy session" with my friends. Whenever we get together we talk and discuss what has been going on in our lives (usually crappy) and just sit and talk about it all, getting everything off of our chests. Its a really relaxing time filled with laughs, plenty of nerd areas and just plain insanity. Its fun and I got to see dear Drusilla after so long of being without her. It was a real enjoyment. ^.^ I feel happier after seeing them and a lot lighter too like I dropped off a lot of stuff and was just able to sit, have fun and talk. Thank you God for my friends. :)

I get by with a little help from my friends,
I get high with a little help from my friends,
Going to try with a little help from my friends.

With a little help from my friends-The Beatles

A new skill is required

So apparently I have to learn how to forgive people. Why? Well, in the light of the fact that in 9 days I will be have my special anniversary as I call it, of when my gf and I broke up. It'll be 2 years this year and just like last year I have this feeling of depression as the time approaches. It sucks you know? And I just can't seem to let that time in my life go. I want to, I am sick and tired of it all and always remembering and always having it as a scar afflicting me. I laid in bed this morning and all I could do was think of writing every day until the day of and just complain, lament and blame. But now I can't seem to bring myself to it. I want it all to go away but I just can't seem to move on, honestly. I am still in love with her, what's worse is the person I am in love with is dead. Not literally dead but she did a complete change on me and I could never be with her now because of attitude, personality and interests just conflict with me. So that is not an out. I mean the only other option I ever thought of was finding someone else I would fall so deeply in love with that I'd forget everything but now I feel like this is another thing I just need to give up to God. So much I need to let go.

My heart and my soul, I give You control Consume me from the inside out Lord Let justice and praise, become my embrace To love You from the inside out

-Hillsong United- From the inside out

Freudian Slip

Yeah so I had a weird dream last night. I dreamt that I was hanging out with one of my ex girlfriends. Now this is strange for me because she hasn't crossed my mind in a while at all, nothing reminded me of her recently and its just so weird. Now I've been wondering why I could possibly have this happen and nothing makes sense. It was weird because my mind is going through memories of her and I can't help but think of her now and you know it does surface old feelings and thoughts but I know after a while I'll calm down because of the way the relationship was. The fact of the matter is I haven't seen her since I started college and I am going into my fourth year. We didn't really build a relationship because most of it was online chat and no human contact face to face relationship building. Add in the fact that she was apathetic most of the time and that made for frustration. It was easier for us to say cute things over the internet. Why? We never built that face to face contact. How could we? First a majority of her family disliked me, and second she lives off in the desert. Yeeeah. Its strange that this comes up and weird. Oh strange brain what are you doing to me? Sigmund Freud is laughing at me.

The answer to life, the universe, everything

42

Life it ain't easy

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WF_10F7eYRE&feature=related

Alright so if you went to the above link and saw the video then you heard all the words that were said. I am addressing the later issue starting at 4:38. Life. Honestly there are instances in my life that are stained in my head. Mainly my ex girlfriend who now left me almost 2 years now. It hurt. It hurt real bad. This was a person I thought I could marry but now I see that this was a person who was only there for a season. Honestly, I wish that we were still friends like we were but life don't work out like that. It isn't easy and it sucks but hey I learned from it. I learned different things from it one of them that laziness in a relationship isn't right. Life is learning these things and the hope I have is that I'll completely move on someday and be a serious man. I complain about relationships and everything but like Madea said you gotta learn to be by yourself, to work on myself. Not to be in a relationship where two people are working on themselves. We're all still growing up, or at least I am and I got a ways to go, you know late bloomer in life man but I am getting there. There's a part of me that is restless, knowing I have to get things done, a job, learn how to pay bills, take care of my own laundry, my expenses and everything else. I suppose Blink 182 was right when they said "this is growing up".

A dedication to the places of inspiration

So I have this place right? Its a place where I do a lot of thinking, other than the shower. In fact have you ever noticed how we do a lot of thinking in the shower? Some of my ideas for writing, life and questions for God came while in the shower. Strange isn't it? But that is a different matter. Yes I have a place I like to visit, its called Starbucks. I don't know what it is about it I just like it there. Relaxing with all the noise and people talking, the music and every just carrying on with their business. It's strange that such a busy place could I offer so much relaxation and joy. While there I have written many things, some that have made it here and some that are only for "the book". Inspiration strikes at the most random of times and sometimes I can't reach Starbucks so there are other places such as the library at my school. In the lowest level you can find me often sitting on a bean bag chair (ridiculously comfortable) just chilling or even taking a nap at times. Its a quiet, secluded, comfortable place. Except during finals week. Then its more of a mausoleum. Quiet, chilled, and with despair hanging in the air. But every other time its okay. Other places are like the mini chapel we have on my campus. There though there is more prayer, reflection (either on prayer, scripture or self) or just meditation and relaxing. It is silent there and a small intimate space. One more obvious place is just being outside in the midst of everyone. Now it is strange how this all came to be. When I firs started school there were times when I would feel restless and not wanting to play video games or having no one around and no work (or at least any I actually wanted to do) I would grab a tablet of paper, my Ipod and go and walk around and see where it led me. I'd sit down and write or just sit and relax and people watch. I look back on that and see I truly enjoyed it greatly. I only wish I could keep doing that. Honestly I enjoy it and wish I could write more and in more places. SOme definite places I need to write is out in the rain, in a forest, and under the moonlight to just name a few. Until then I will keep my outside spots, my libraries and Starbucks and just sit and enjoy.

Why is a raven like a writing desk?

I wonder about myself sometimes. What makes me go into these sudden emotional roller-coasters at night? is it because I have no one to entertain or distract me? The music I play, or the way my thought just eventually go? Let's go with that. I am not sure why I focus so much on relationships. Especially my almost relationship recently. There are so many conflicts inside me. I wish...I don't know. I wish for something. Attention? Well yes that is to be expected since I finally texted her today and got no response back at all. Ugh man I am lame. My brain is working against me too. It whispers about moving on, forgetting her because she isn't interested and such but i have no clue. i won't listen obviously but its just. I don't know. I want someone to love me. I want someone to look square in the eye and say "I'm sorry but I'm in pieces and emotionally broken. Please help pick up the pieces with me hun". I wish it was fall time again. Its so much more enjoyable, its cool, you can get under the covers and enjoy a nice cup of tea. Not like this heat in summer that drives the mind, body and all your sense mad. It's not cool at all. To top it all off I discovered my greatest fear today. Due to my grades I won't be returning to my school. I have been on probation for a while and a couple of professors really screwed me over this semester since one made everything worth more since he threw out all the quizzes and I was honest on the reading log, another professor despite my doing well on all but 2 quizzes and the midterm gave me a D-. Lame epic fail and just gah! Its stressful. Haven't told the parentals yet. That will be fun. Lectures, yelling, and probably mean words. *sigh* I think its time I grew up, learned some discipline finally and become and adult. Utilizing time, being responsible, motivated, and everything else that goes will the word adult. Basically a heck of a lot more mature than I am. Life is changing fast and I need to get on board.

Hi..

Hello everyone its been a while hasn't it? I haven't written much as I was busy with school but now that I am off I am going to try and write more. Life has been interesting. First off been sick this week with a wicked cold. So my body and I have not been in agreement or speaking terms as of late. I have been getting better but it has been a long and slow process but thanks to NyQuil been quicker. Interesting week though, saw an old teacher form high school he has been doing well and he and I talked since he and another friend went to lunch with him. Other than that really not much since being sick except last night when some friends and I went out to celebrate another friends birthday. That was nice and all till it was discussed no one wanted to go home so we decided to stay up all night and party. Except i needed a ride home so I just called home and said I would not be coming home and would crash at a friends. Great right? wrong. Turns out a friend was tired and wanted to go home so it was decided to bail on the plan. What? I called home and everything just to have someone feel tired and everyone bail? Lame. So that ruffled my feathers a bit. Combine that with a horrible night sleep on a too small couch while sick and yeah crappy day. Joy. The weather has been strange lately. Mostly comfortable this week except for the weekend when suddenly the sun kicked it up several notches and tried to kill us all. No es bueno. So today the suffering was great as my body refused to cool down unless under a fan or outside when it was more windy out so hopefully when i wake up in the morning for church I will finally, after a week, be back to my 100% self. Especially since grades are being posted. I am in clear denial of those existing as this semester decides if I stay at my school or not. It kind of sucks that this is decided off of one class which is my math class that is simple for everyone except me for some reason. I am just horrible at taking these tests is all and they count for so much its daunting and just ah! Add that class and my other and i have zero clue how I did but boy am I worried. But I just chalk it up to its whatever God wants and I am trying to trust Him and not worry too much. Man I hope this goes well. Also this coming week I plan to venture off and look for work in different places around where I live. Hopefully I can find someplace that is hiring. Been wanting to start riding my bike again too so I actually have some exercise but being sick kind of screws that whole thing up. Take care of yourselves people so you don't get sick.