The Merry Month of...

October. It has become that time of year I oh so love. When we journey back to the October Country. A beautiful time of year filled with cloudy morning, leaves turning color and dancing in the wind. And it's just cool enough that you could find someone to cuddle with (unless you're in California right now in which you both will be very hot and sweaty) and enjoy something warm together.

Ah how i love this time of year! Alas I can almost certainly tell it will be an eventful and challenging month. A lot of my family issues have arisen as of late and I am needing a great deal of support. Not to mention some family squabbles as well which are occurring that really don't need to happen but what are you going to do? I'm kind of just biding my time with it all, waiting for the storm to pass and have faith in God. In a few weeks at least I will hopefully be starting my new classes and be no longer bored and left to my voices and mind late at night. I will find this to be a much better time.

So this month shall be filled with many epics of the story of my life, or so I believe. Suppose all I can do is see.

"...that country where it is always turning late in the year. That country where the hills are fog and the rivers are mist; where noons go quickly, dusk's and twilights linger, and midnights stay. That country composed in the main of cellars, sub-cellars, coal-bins, closets, attics, and pantries faced away from the sun. That country where people are autumn people, thinking only autumn thoughts. Whose people passing at night on the empty walks sound like rain..."

October Country by Ray Bradbury

The future seems...

So i think it is such a trip to be thinking now of what I will do when I graduate from college. I do have some more time here and unfortunately I am learning only now to buckle down and get my crap together after having to take a major blow to my schooling. Well now I am sitting down and trying to plan out what I will do once I graduate and its looking up right now as opportunities are popping up in places I didn't think of. I hope this is from God but if it is not then I hope the doors are closed than let me go down a path I am not supposed to. Well here is hoping and praying.

This is directed at someone who will never read this (unfortunately). I am completely disgusted at you. I cannot believe your lies have hurt another person I know and that you can sleep at night with what you have done. Does it make you feel good about yourself? Does it help fix your insecurities? Do you enjoy doing these things? I really hope you marry this girl because you two are perfect together, telling lies and such. Despite the fact you are miserable in your relationship and I am sure you'd bail if she wasn't going through so much crap in her life. I honestly can't decide if I want you two to break up or get married. I suppose its whatever makes you feel worse in the long run.

I am angry you would do this. And after she convinced me you were becoming a better person, that you had regrets and you were trying. Well you will receive no pity from me when the day you get your retribution comes. I can't believe you both would do this. I mean I thought both of you were finally being something normal or human with emotions, logic and understanding but I suppose you both are just better liars than I will ever be and probably will ever see in my lifetime.

I write this and i am angry, I am hurt, shocked and yes surprised because I thought you changed. I guess you had everyone fooled again.

Being Evil...

MEANS NEVER HAVING TO SAY YOU'RE SORRY

"I’m Sorry". Such an insignificant thing. Those of us who use it must ask what it really means. We say it but do we truly understand the meaning? Its an apology, I understand that but there is just something else to it. Something I don’t quite comprehend. Could it be because it is said so freely it has lost its meaning? Because, well, do we say it without truly understanding it? Without the understanding do we really mean it? Do we just just use it to qwell fights? I feel we do. I do at times at least. Of course I believe there is that part that is truly sorry. Somewhere...

I wrote this some time ago when I started out writing. Its now that I realize some things about the words "I'm sorry". No one ever really means it. They do, at times, when they have really screwed up but part of it truly is the desire for things to go back to normal, so they clear the sick feeling in their gut and get on with life. I say this because this happens all the time in my house. We will get mad and say we are sorry and no sooner we are mad again. It always happens as this and I cannot help but think: "If you were really sorry you'd try and not repeat the same actions."

In my house i try and keep my mouth shut so no one can get angry. There are times though where I want to scream, to yell, to say what is on my mind, what I'm feeling. But it always makes it worse when I do, so I keep my mouth quiet. The worse part is always the apologies, the saying sorry because maybe even hours or minutes later or the next day it'll be the same. It sucks, I dislike it. Its one of the things I want to fix. I want to be able to say I am sorry and mean it, to try and not get angry again and hurt someone right after I apologized. One of the things that always happens that I dislike and will not do when I become a parent. Perhaps I'll figure out how to correctly say I am sorry someday in the future. But perhaps also such a thing will never be because it escapes us.

Songs to remember by

Ever have a song that was just ruined for you, because of a person? Could be friends gone bad, an old flame turned enemy, really anything but The song just brings back bad memories? Can't listen to it anymore can you? It really sucks because I have a whole pile of songs like that not Only one or two. They bring back the memories you wish you could change or images from a moment you'd sooner forget or a wish for a moment to have happened. Yeah that's the music in my pile for me. One of them was a song called Calling You by Blue October. I dedicated this song to my girlfriend at the time and always listened to it at least once a day because this song basically conveyed how I felt.

Well cue break up and the song becomes unbearable to listen to! In fact it is only recently that I can listen to that again. Even then its just not as great as it was at one time. Now you may ask "Robert why do you not just simply delete the songs?" Well that is easy, because I actually bought them and do not want to waste the money I spent on the songs to simply go to waste. I know they go to waste anyway because I do not play them as much as i used to but still better than getting rid of them and then suddenly wanting them back. It happens and more so because of blatant insanity. But sometimes I think we just lie awake in bed with our ipod or mp3 on and just listen to those songs. Because for a moment we might just be back in time when those moments were alright.

You may wonder what inspired this and its simple. As I write this, I am listening to a song that reminds me of someone at this moment. It's good but this one leaves a wanting that can't be filled. Yep, lame.

I will keep calling you to see
If you're sleeping, are you dreaming
If you're dreaming, are you dreaming of me
I can't believe you actually picked me

Blue October- Calling You

The weekend of coffee

I have had so much caffeine this weekend its not even funny. On thursday night I went out with my friends Jacob, Mary Ann and Alan. We all piled into Jacob's car and we were off on our adventure to Denny's. We had a lovely therapy session and during this time I consumed 4 cups of coffee! One of those was Mary Ann's and unbeknownst to me it had 3 packs of sugar in it, which explains so much of what happened after that cup. Needless to say we had a lot of fun out that night.

Now last night, friday night got even better. Jacob and I headed out again, this time to a movie. We picked up my friend Kim and we were off to see Easy A which isn't that bad minus the whole taking God's name in vain and Hollywood's idea of what Christians are like. Besides that it was a funny movie. So all in all it has been a good weekend so far with today being somewhat boring but boring can be good. Some time to definitely relax after the last two days.

Bucket list

Go to England

Go to Paris and see the Eiffel tower in blue lights

Go lay out in a prairie and write/sleep

Go see Wicked, and phantom of the opera

Go to New York for New Years and be in times square.

Go tothe original starbucks

Be out drinking tea at twilight

See more bands in concert

Buy all of the SAW movies on DVD

Build a collection of awesome horror movies

Read the classic books everyone else has read ( pride and prejudice, the hiding place, etc.)

Go tot he huntington on a date

Spend the whole day at the beach and looking at shops near the beach

Visit everyone after they graduate form college no matter where they are

Go to all the bands concerts I love

Go out and truly enjoy the rain.

Write an unofficial book

Travel and enjoy tea and coffee from around the world

Have a giant tea party

Give the walrus back his bucket

Anymore ideas are welcomed!

Maintaining Conscienceness

"Man always wants what he cannot have". I have heard these words used a few times in my life and I am only realizing now how true they are. By all rights we as human being should and usually do know when something is accessible, when it is truly able to be grasped. In fact I am sure we do know the difference between the accessible and non-accessible. My own experience in this (we shall talk of this later on) proves the point of it. Well more often tan not we are torn in two when these moments come and we are at a crossroads. We have our angel and our devil on their own respective shoulder telling us what to do. Each is out for what they believe to be in our best interest. Well which do you choose?

Because it, unfortunately, happens. We encounter something we want and we become consumed by it. Have you noticed that? Think back to something you wanted badly. It

consumed us, became all we cared about. It became our motivation, our will to live, it became our everything. We were or maybe even might be still owned by it.

Okay now stop. Let's draw back and get rid of the angel and devil. Now let's look at it in how it usually is. Its a storm inside of us. A decision has to be made and despite the logic you tell yourself you still feel the urge to go ahead. Its consuming you like I said and you don't wan to let it go. If I explained it all I am sure there would be those who would say go for it and those who would hate me. For the longest time i heard the voice inside saying to go for it until I was finally stopped by the right voice that said to give it all up.

But that is all I got from the voice. I got exactly what I needed to hear. Often I have called it self control but in fact its my conscience that always kept me form being stupid and doing stupid things. I got used to it that I suppose I ignored it for a while until boom my devil side decided to voice his opinion. yeah, truthfully I did listen to him a few times and those times were great right? Then why do I feel like crap deep down in a situation where I should feel joy? Well that's cause I shouldn't have been there plain and simple! But in truth it was not my self control (okay well a bit of it was) but my conscience always telling me from behind the thin veil of the dark conscience "Get the crap out of there now!'

I suppose its strange I am talking about this but I fee as if I am only just now discovering my conscience after so long of a absence. I wrote this because of a situation I dug myself in where I want what cannot have and despite that I feel I should do something about it even though its clear I should not. So now after an intervention form the good side I am trying to fix the mess I made inside of me. Leave it to us humans to just screw everything.

Character development

I see this world as a stage. Right now, I am preparing for my role on this stage as an adult. Right now I am only a minor cast member leading up to becoming a main character. Before that my plot must be set, my story told. My experiences, my minor lines, my character interaction. Because right now despite everything i rather like the cast of characters given to me by the Director. I am slowly becoming this person who'll stand under the spotlight. I will have an affect on everyone and their roles. There will be rise and falls, dramatic revelations, and even people delivering final lines at times. Everyone is a main character and yet a supporting character at the same time. Setting the stage for new plot twists, developing character back stories and so on.

I suppose this is the end of my mental musings as I have called this blog. Now I am not ending writing, of course not, this is merely a change of name here on my blog. My musings have led me to change the name because all my experiences are making me into the person I am to going to be. The person I hope I am meant to be as long as I do the right thing, God's will. I will of course still have my mental musings, those have not and will not end till I finish my lines. I will always remember my time connected with the name of this blog and the emotions, memories connected as such. I know it seems silly but I feel connected to this name in a personal way because of every experience i have written here. The good times, the bad, all of them. This is me.

So I say good bye to one of many names i have shared with myself and take on a new name. This is Character development. Where I go through motions learning my lines and who I will be in this giant play called life. Well might as well get started and see where this takes me.

Is this growing up?

Is this what growing up feels like? Its weird. Like I woke up to something new and want to try it. I look forward to what the future holds with some of the stuff i have learned recently. Does everyone feel this way eventually? Is it something you wake up to after years of learning? I feel like I am finally being an adult and doing something for myself instead of being afraid and sitting there. It is weird.

“I slept and dreamt that life was Joy. I woke and saw that life was Duty. I acted, and behold, Duty was Joy.”

- Rabindranath Tagore

Mountains

I suppose it was along time coming to get to this realization. First off I have always said that I'd do things when I was "mature" and would get there someday. Well today I realized something. Why don't I get up and do something about it? I have been waiting for it to happen as if I'll just walk down the street and fall into each experience that makes it happen. Well I suppose it time that I take some steps.

Years ago a friend of mine said that of course God will do things for us in our lives but we can't just sit around and do nothing. God has a plan but he obviously needs us to do something because as we move he directs us. If we aren't moving then what? If we're not moving that just means God has to do something to get us to move.

I'm a place now where I need to move. Need to move to make a few changes in my life. Need to pick stuff up and get rid of it you know? I know those of you who have read my blog before I have said this a couple of times but now I dunno just seems right. It seems that no matter what we do and how much we say we'll change or we are changing it never seems to stop. At least that is what I believe right now as I am young.

I know I've been getting schooled by the Spirit on a whole lot of things since I received my probation years ago. God taught me at one point to have faith, leave my procrastination behind, the beginning part of what it means to be an adult and more recently patience. I suppose eventually I'll go back and apply everything whenever the time comes. I am often afraid and in depressed moods because of the uncertainty of it all. But just because of that I cannot quit. If i do quit I really will have failed. God has this for me and I will see whatever it is to the end as long as it is His Will.

All I know
I still got mountain to climb
On my own, on my own

Switchfoot- Enough to Let Me Go

The End

You know how they say be careful what you wish for you just might get it. Well this the one time when it worked out in my favor. I suppose its better this way too. No use in going after something you'll never have and making them wait for you, you know? So it sucks on one hand but is good on another. Its strange to actually get what you want and in this case almost sort of sad. I know moving on is never easy after you have spent so much time with someone. But hey I always said i never had a chance so why feel this way? Eh I suppose I had hope for something and you know what something may happen in the future you never know but for now its time to move on and continue on this way.

Don't leave me all alone

Just drop me off at home

I'll be fine it's not the first

Just like last time but a little worse

Blink 182- Don't leave me

Sleep

The past few days I have been waking up far too early than what is to be expected of someone who has no reason to wake up early. This morning I was woken up at 7 since my mother needed me for something. This would usually be fine you know but the problem is once I have been woken up it is almost impossible for me to get back to sleep no matter how tired i am, I'll just lay there. I dislike this greatly as i have been waking up early lately minus a few times when I slept in a bit. Ugh this is lame i want to sleep in! I suppose the only answer is to go to bed earlier than 2 anymore. Seems the only way I'll get any sleep. Oh well its probably best I do anyway. At night time is usually when my brain attacks me so if I beat him to the punch and shut him off with sleep I'll be okay. As long as he does not pull a Sigmund Freud on me in my dreams. Also i discovered something as I laid in bed staring at the ceiling: the ceiling does not have much to say.

Texting is the best!....NOT

So yes I am a avid texter and enjoy it greatly being able to reach my friends with a little instant message to their phone in a matter of second. I have carried on many long conversations (one lasting form when I woke up at 6 till I went to bed at 12 with ONE person) and have carried on multiple ones at one time (yes i have sent the wrong message to people and it has been awkward). But there are things recently that have left a bitter taste in my mouth about texting. For one I have friends who will text me and we will be having a conversation and then I send my reply and...nothing. Nada, zilch, zero no reply from them for the rest of the day. Okay, what just happened here? Did you forget? Is your phone dead? I mean there has to be an explanation, I mean heck is your network hating on mine? I'd understand if it was but let me knooooow. But alas I do not get that knowledge. It is lame and i dislike it. This unfortunately happens with two of my friends. I try to not let it get to me but then again it happens and I am just gah! But yes it is lame. I suppose that is generally just their texting habits but I do not know. Perhaps even they do not have unlimited texting but still I'd like to know.

Another thing that bothers me is when you give someone a extensively long text and then all you get in return is: Ya. What? No that is not a correct response for what I said, give me something with some more depth. I feel awkward when get this because it feels as though the conversation has ended and I have no idea what to say. I usually just say yep or mhm and go on to something else but its just so confusing. I wanted a response something to have us continue the conversation but it appears that will not happen now. Yeah it is lame. I don't know maybe its just me and I am weird? That could be it and i am reading too deeply into it or something. Guess I'll just wait and see.

Strange Days have found Us?

Yeah so last couple of days have been interesting and i blame the weather change. It suddenly went form the sunny hotness to overcast cool days and nights. Now I am not complaining but I would like to have received a memo which could have prepared me for such days as I could have grabbed my camera, a cup of tea and some good books and been ready. But seriously I love the recent weather as I love walking and feeling the cool wind blowing and seeing the beautiful overcast overhead. It's simply superb. It feels like my beautiful fall time is back and I am anticipating when it comes is full bloom.

Also with fall time comes something else: HALLOWEEN. Oh how I love Halloween, and have no idea why. I wouldn't say I have had a memorable Halloween really as its usually been pretty chill but I have high hopes for this one this time around and i hope it plays out well. No idea what I will be doing but i hope its fun and better than previous years. Heck, even if i were to spend it alone I think I'd be happy just from finding something for myself to do. Sit back and enjoy something hot (yes I do drink something other than tea I just happen to have about 7 boxes of tea that need to be drank) and just watch the trick or treaters, have a horror movie marathon, listen to music or even write some. Possibilities are limitless though generally I sit in my room and turn on my string of lights and enjoy some music than anything else I plan to do more if i can! So I am excited for Halloween.

Other than that life is somewhat busy. There have been a lot of doctor running recently in my family so if you could keep my family in prayer I would appreciate it and kinda need all the stability I can get from God. So life is interesting and has thrown curve balls and its all so interesting. Interesting in that I-miss-when-life-was-boring sort of way. Yeah so that is life. has life thrown any of you lovelies a curveball lately?

My life has a superb cast but I cannot figure out the plot- Ashleigh Brilliant

Somewhere I belong

So I have had a very interesting Labor day weekend. On Friday my buddy Jacob came by and picked me up and we headed over to a bar called Gaslamp . My friend Jacob knows the band that plays there personally and introduced me to a couple of them. The ones i was introduced too were awesome and I am sure the rest of them were awesome too. The bar was really interesting, bustling with a lot of people (this was my first bar ever). The music was broken into two set lists and let me tell you it was awesome! They are an 80's cover band and play some pretty awesome songs that everyone enjoyed and loved dancing to. Yes even I danced though I am not sure you can call what I was doing dancing I at least attempted to do so.

So my friend and I Jacob were there for a while enjoying he music and Jacob ran into some of his friends there who i hadn't met before. To say they were interesting would be an understatement. After the band was finished(ending with the song Crazy Train!) Jacob and i headed off to his house where I stayed this weekend and we ended our first day.

The second day (Saturday) was less eventful as Jacob had work for most the day and that left me at his house alone. It was okay for the most part mostly watching Zim, DBZ or the History channel. All that changed later on though when we headed to another bar where the band we saw the night before had their guitarist playing. This band also did 80's but this was a bar for karaoke. Jacob tried getting me to sign up but I didn't want to for my first time there around. So that was an interesting experience seeing every sing and dance up on stage and they were all awesome, I kind of regret not getting a chance too but there is always next time. As for today well just mainly us chillin for a bit and then me going home.

There was an interesting thought I did have this weekend though. As I stood, amongst the huge crowd of people, I felt something I have never felt before. I felt as if I didn't belong. As if this was a world I wasn't supposed to be in or just didn't fit in. I felt different than everyone else and felt I was sort of a black sheep who stood out. I suppose its all a new scene to me. I go form my Christian friends to here suddenly and its sort of a culture shock. I mean we see it in movies and media but to go out and experience it is different. I mean I was not misrepresenting Christ but I wasn't representing Him either. I just felt, I dunno lost I guess. I suppose this isn't my place and that not everyone is built for bars, or clubs. Guess it just isn't for me.

Lamentations for the Storm

Oh Lord, leave me not unto this fate. Let me not buckle under the winds that push my mind, the pain that stabs my heart and the burden which troubles my soul. Leave me not to the dark thoughts that plague from my flesh or the dark desires form the old man. Leave me not to drown in the unsettling sea of the world and the enemies attacks. Lord, let me not break, let me not fall, let me remember all that you spoke to me, taught me, from your word. Let me rely on you, let me worry not. Lord, fill me with peace, the peace of your will. Let me rely on you and not on people, on the creator and not the creation. Teach me patience Lord, teach me trust and faith, teach me to love you even more and to love like you. Lord keep me and have me need all strength form you. Not form my own self, my friends or anything else but from you.

Mark 4: 39-40: ³⁹He got up, rebuked the wind and said to the waves, "Quiet! Be still!" Then the wind died down and it was completely calm.

⁴⁰He said to his disciples, "Why are you so afraid? Do you still have no faith?"

The picture on the canvas

Sitting here, at my desk in my room, I was thinking of recent events and realized I have just been taught something. I had to face palm when realizing this NOW even though it seems to fundamentally simple. Let me explain. Recently a friend of mine has been interested in dating another friend of mine. She has been trying to drop hints that she wants him to start pursuing her more often and actually do something (since he said he wanted to get to know her better but has not exactly presented situations himself to do such but she has). Well she has been giving me her side of the story, their talks, how she explained to him that she wants him to try actually doing something and so on. That was going well till I sort of realized something when I decided I was going to ask some questions. I never heard his side of it at all. I didn't know what he was thinking only her, and the canvas that the picture was being painted on became bigger and I notices the picture was missing parts.

Well I then was thinking of a time back in my junior year when a friend of mine called me in tears about her boyfriend breaking up with her (the previous day they had talked and it seemed everything was okay) and she explained what happened. I was angry the whole day that this guy would hurt her like that. Then my brain went off in a random direction in my thought process and said "I wonder what made him break up with her anyway?" Then it hit me, I never heard his side of the story. Now I seem like the jerk for not getting both sides.

Yeah so now the ghost of past situations are coming up and i wonder if i gave the right advice, said the right thing to the person. I played favorites and I wonder if I did the right thing. So now that I realize this I need to try and practice this, getting both sides of the story, even if its a heck of a lot harder and more "interesting". I suppose its also another lesson to teach the kiddies in the future. Look to both sides, because if you're looking at only one part, you may be missing a big portion of the picture.