Times - Tenth Avenue North

My Mask

For those of you who do not know I wear a mask. I wear one everyday where I smile even though I feel so sad inside. Sad because of circumstances, because of things I could not stop and as such have not let go. It has gotten worst these last few weeks as the mask has been exposed and cracked a few times. In the end though, this is necessary. My mask is breaking, I cannot hide behind it anymore and I feel at peace knowing this. I can't hide anymore. My life depends on me losing the mask. Exposing my insecurities, my fears, my sadness, anger, grief, hatred even. All of my inner, deep emotions and scars. Its all being washed away slowly through all that has happened. I've been broken, and my healing has begun. Its time to let it all go and drift off down the river, never to be seen again. Washed away by His mercy, grace, love and who he is. He is God. He loves me and I love Him. I suppose this is growing up. There is so much more I need to fix but i feel at peace right now. For the first time in a long time.

But You say let it go, You say let it go
You say life is waiting for the one to lose control
You say You will be, everything I need
You said if I lose my life it's then I'll find my soul
You say let it go, You say let it go

Tenth Avenue North-Let it go

Wake up, Donnie

Today I rolled over in bed as I woke up for one of the many times i usually wake up in the middle of sleep. I checked my phone to find 2 texts waiting for me. One of them was from Darla ( a nickname not her real name) and she told me to wake up so I could go outside and enjoy the beautiful day. I go tup and pulled up the blind on my window and I was surprised. It was cloudy out and cool. I was happy. A perfect morning to go out and enjoy some tea and that is exactly what I did. Went out on my front porch and enjoyed the coolness that followed, just me and my tea. For once, in a long time, my mind was quiet and all was peaceful.

Pulling a Ted Mosby

This will be LEGEN-wait for it...

So I am a huge fan of "How i met your mother" and if you haven't seen it, look it up or something, its an awesome show but I digress. The story is of the character Ted Mosby talking to his children about how he met their mother. He goes through the experiences he had leading up to it involving not only him but his close friends as well. Ted goes through the years, telling of the women he dated, and his search for the one. Well recently I have been re-watching all of the seasons and I was reminded how I felt when I first began watching the show. My own interest as I began watching about finding my wife was piqued as I thought that question that so many have thought: "When will I find the one?"

A legitimate question correct? Especially at the point I am at. I have already dated 6 girls and honestly, after so many times hurting people, and getting hurt and all the drama, I came down to the conclusion that I am sick and tired of all the crap of dating, and I want to meet my wife already. You know cut through all the crap and drama already? I mean I think this but i dunno. I am not exactly in a position to be getting married you know? I still have more school, no job, no car or license I am not exactly the catch but I just cannot help but feel like this. It sucks and yes I know most people provide drama when there is drama but I dunno. Its all confusing. I kind of want to search for her but, then what? Am I ready for marriage, for dating before marriage for planning? No. So why think about it? I don't know. Maybe i'll start piecing it all together as life goes along and see where it get's me.

...DARY!

Darkest Side of Me pt. 2

So I Suppose this is good bye. I think I let you out just to be able to cope with the stress, but I started giving you too much freedom and started showing more of you. Well, now its time for you to go back into the depths of my mind. I should never had let you out because i saw parts of my old self return and I don't need those and i d not need you. Go back inside, I'll let the Spirit deal with you and no longer give you situations to rear your ugly face. So long bad Robert. This is your end. I hope I kill you a little more everyday and I hope God forgives me for the thoughts, words and actions. You're warring with the Spirit. But I won't feed you, not any more. Goodbye.

It’s hidin’ in the dark, it’s teeth are razor sharp
There’s no escape for me, it wants my soul it wants my heart!
No one can hear me scream, maybe it’s just a dream
Maybe it’s inside of me! Stop this monster!

SKILLET-monster

Huh

Well, seems like everything has calmed down and turned to normal? I dunno. No real direct confirmation yet but I believe it is safe to assume as such. Welcome back sanity, old friend. I have missed you. Now there is one issue I suppose left but I am willing to deal with that later after I calm down a bit more (as every time i think about what this person said I get a bit angry) so we shall see what happens. The week is looking brighter. This makes me happy. Thank you Lord and i hope this is your will and everything goes well. If its not, please give me more patience to deal with whatever is up ahead.

Change

I have decided to quit being depressed and worried. To quit being lonely. I just allow in my self pity whenever I do. Now its time to change. I should do something to keep myself up, do what my purpose is to do: Worship God. I suppose I need to be less self involved in myself with being down all the time. I want to make a change, not letting people's actions and words get to me, to change some other parts of me too. It will take time but i suppose it will like everything else.

Peace? What Peace?

Seems like my mind is being plagued anymore. Saw someone tonight I hadn't seen in a long while, a girl I used to like. I say used to because despite my feelings, I never had a chance. Chasing a ghost. Mainly because she is interested in a good friend of mine. Honestly, and always despite my own feelings I'll move over in situation like these. Why stick around? She has an interest in him and I have known her longer and we spent more time together but despite that if she was interested I'd have hoped she would have tried to show me her feelings. I actually did tell her i had feelings and the way she responded led me to the conclusion I didn't have a shot, I got the hint. Yet here I am and I cannot help feeling something, despite never having a chance. It sucks. Seems looking at other people's relationships and such, I think about my own. And as I write this, she sends me a text because of a text I sent my friend which was taken wrong, and she replies with:

"I don't even know what to say to you right now"

Ouch. Yeah that sucked. Add in the blatant fact that I stand there and take some type of abuse from people. Usually undeserved violence form my friend she is interested in. I don't think people ever stop to think how their actions affect people. I mean hell, I stand aside, feeling for you as you are interested in my friend, give you brotherly advice and you go off on me like that? man, no wonder i have been depressed. I'll be glad when they get together, or don't get together maybe then things will be normal and we can just talk again because this is stupid. Oh well. Suppose that is what I get. Cause she seems to have forgotten of my feelings for her but if I had a chance I'd explain it. I had to get over you, you're interested in my friend and I never had a chance. man, sometimes life sucks. If I didn't have God, it'd be worse. I suppose I just have to keep climbing over mountains before God finally leads me to the one. Then none of it will matter anymore. i just wish I met her already.

Loneliness

I can't figure it out. Why I am so lonely. I suppose hearing from different people about their relationships have got me thinking. Where is my happy ending? My person? How long do I have to wait? I feel lonely, but I shouldn't. I dunno. I suppose with out noticing its been building up. It kind of released today when my mother and I got into it a bit. I had a small breakdown, well a bit bigger than one form years back. Sort of just flooded over, and it doesn't make sense why. It's so strange. I suppose even people like me who look calm have stuff that builds up. I dunno, I suppose i needed it, feeling sad and lonely, I can't help anyone. Once everything clears though, I feel it'll get better, not just for me but for everyone. Seems tension is just wound up high. Suppose we'll all just rest soon. Can we rest now? Can we rest now?

Save me, I'm lost
Oh Lord I've been waiting for you
I'll pay any cost
Save me from being confused
Show me what I'm looking for
Show me what I'm looking for
Oh Lord

CAROLINA LIAR-"SHOW ME WHAT I'M LOOKING FOR"

Look what I've done

I have a problem. The problem i have is, that I am not very disciplined and I am very lazy. I love to procrastinate because despite my tardiness I get things done and hey, get the grade i get. But now it has royally screwed me over. I was on probation at my school and now that I have been "academically dismissed" (a fancy way of saying I flunked out) I have been searching for a JC to attend. I found one but there have been issues left and right. I didn't take care of the the classes when I should have and coupled with the late receiving of my letter of of dismissal after I attempted to appeal it, I am in hot water.

Apparently I either needed to take an assessment test or transfer my transcripts over, in order to get into the classes. This I have not done. This is lame. Classes start this week. I am in crap. And its my fault. I feel weak, I feel powerless, I feel depressed even. The voices have gotten louder, wanting to compensate for the bad feelings i have with something that feels good, like drinking. See, I made a decision to not drink anymore (i did for a short time) as I am a biblical studies major and feel led to becoming a Youth Pastor. I desire to represent Christ, to serve Him, to do His will but I will talk about that later. Anyways, I decided to quit drinking and now the voices are taunting. Telling me I could drink once in a while, I could quit when I get ready to become a Pastor, everything will be fine. But it won't. The answers they give look so good and legit but they aren't. They are a trap set for me and its hard to resist at times. It sucks.

It sucks i have been led here. Ina place where I do not know where to go. It sucks but it is necessary. I have been in these areas before, these places. I hate it and it sucks but these things have to happen. I am human, I plan, I prepare but God is the one who pulls the reigns.

"Man plans, God laughs"

That's what I am needing to be reminded of. It is not my will, or my plans that work. Those plans only work if they are God's plans, His will. I am human, a broken, sinful human. I stand here and I feel my humanness. Its a helplessness, a need for God. I have free will, I do. I can make choices. But I do not like the ones that have led up to this. But in the end, the lesson I learn, the things that come against me like fire that refine me, they are necessary. And if it all is from God, and necessary then maybe this, in the end won't be so bad.

I want to do what God has for me in His will. I have been led here, possibly away form it. Punished for my sins. I don't know. It takes me so long to realize these things when they come full circle. In the end i learn. Now i need only apply it all. I have wants, desires but unless they are God's they just don't work. I haven't bee listening, I need apply more. Lose my stupid laziness because it is doing me no good. Then maybe some of these situations will stop.

"Trust me, I know what self-loathing is, but to kill myself? That would put a damper on my search for answers. Not at all productive."

Overcast with a slight chance of tea?

Oh how I miss nice cool morning where I could get up and have myself a cup of tea and watch the overcast. *sigh* seems like its been so long since a good windy, cold, and cloudy day. Heck I even want rain. I always miss the rain and fall/winter weather after being separated for so long. Even miss that nice spring time rain that comes and then leaves a beautiful day. This time I am going to try and take more pictures of the weather/clouds and such. I may even link it to my deviant but once I fill it with more pictures. Once it cools down significantly then I will also be able to light all of my candles again (I have a lot and expect more to be appearing soon), and enjoy the light it provides in my room. But I suppose a night like this where its just chilly enough for a cup is good too. :)

Back for more

I have returned! This past week I went on a vacation away form my vacation. Some buddies and I went up to Big Bear this past week and had some fun. We got there on tuesday and set up camp and the hilarious times ensued form there on. Had a lot of fun just sitting around talking, laughing, playing blackjack and poker and just chilling. A downside was I managed to dehydrate myself and give myself heat exhaustion. That was less than fun but I did get to go shooting that day so that was fun and new and surprisingly relaxing. On thursday we had fun out on my friend Jon's dad's boat, dragging an inner tube behind us and flipping each other. I even got to drive which was awesome. It was a wonderful relaxing time away form the bustle of home and I enjoyed myself. Minus the cold nights. That was not fun but eventually we just piled into one tent. 4 guys 1 tent? not a whole lot of room but hey we stayed warm. Minus the almost getting rolled on and getting jabbed in the side about my snoring ha ha. Still good to see them all. Alas though the relaxation and vacation is over as I now have to figure out what to do for school and my classes as I may have missed the registration date for the school i wanted but I am going to call on monday plus my schools financial aid and registrar so I can sort stuff out. Oh boy a lot of calls, plus I am going to try and take my permit test so I can be one step closer to a license. I really hope this week goes well. Oh well lets see how it goes.

Darkest Side of Me

I think everyone, every now and again has that whispering voice. MIne take the form of my own self. The bad side of me I call him. He encourages things, encourages me to do, to think things. Every so often he'll come out and tell me something, usually about someone i am thinking about. He makes me think I am being betrayed or may be betrayed by friends. The worse part is I'll lay awake at night and go over the thoughts he has given me and they plague me. Oh the things he says the bad me! Sometimes he is right though, which makes it all the more worse. Writing about him though, its so much easier to control him. It distracts me and he loses power and goes back in his corner and sulks. Where he belongs. I am free from his influence even though he'll be back whispering in my ear. I just have to keep resisting...

The end

Of the week is here! Finally! This pass week sucked. So I am happy this weekend has finally come. Today shall be awesome, because I am off to Harvest Crusade. My nephew and his son is going with a fellow brother in Christ and hopefully the Lord does a work in both their hearts. It will hopefully be an amazing time tonight, and I hope many blessing abound. In other news, my good friends are back forma mission trip to Zambia! I am so happy that they are back and had a safe and wonderful trip! I cannot wait to hear the stories and i hope they were a true blessing while they were there. God is good and I look forward to the future and what is coming.

Hot Sun and Hot Tempers

If its not one things, its another. As summer now is burning slowly off, and the new school year approaches, I have noticed things are getting hot and heavy. It seems that everyone's temper is flaring. Almost everyone inside my house at this moment are angry with someone. Sadly, this is a normal event, one I am used to and have learned how to cope with: I keep my mouth shut. Even if I am talked down to, yelled at and made angry, I keep my mouth shut. Why? Because if I am angry and open my mouth to respond, no matter how right i may be, it'll get worse. Because over the years we have always shared words with each other and said some stuff in anger we of course did not mean but it was said and the emotional scars are there. So I keep my mouth shut because I have zero desire to join the fray. I have long decided that I have no desire to be like my parents, or my family in certain areas because it seems they make things so hard and complicated. Far too many angry voices in this house and in life. Holy crap almost every day it is something that wakes me up. All because someone cannot simply listen after being told something SEVERAL times over and over. It would be helpful if everyone contributed to peace in a household instead of doing what they want but everyone here is an adult and wants to run things their own way, be their own person. But my two older brothers live at home with mommy and daddy so they have to obey their rules. if they dislike it then they can move. Bu they won't. So until the end there is yelling. And until the end, I have Steve Jobs to thank for the Ipod and Macbook and skullcandy for making beautiful noise canceling headphones. Hopefully the heat will go away and stop making people so angry.

Their anger hurts my ears
Been runnin' strong for seven years
Rather then fix the problems
They never solve them
It makes no sense at all

-BLINK 182 "STAY TOGETHER FOR THE KIDS"

And now it is Wednesday

Gah. So. On Monday I had an issue with the fact that I waited for a friend to text me as we texts each other everyday. Well that text didn't come. Well that is okay, the day is young, it could come at any time. Well, it didn't. Strange, I thought. I wanted to text so badly but I kind of wanted to see if they would text me before the day was over. They didn't. Needless to say monday did not go well at all. Kind of put me in a depression for most the day until I got cheered up when I watched one of my favorite movies. This cheered me up, greatly and I was better after that. Then yesterday my friend texted me as if it was just another day. I was greatly confused but decided I would let it go since after sleeping some I felt better and a bit calmer though confused and felt like a rant. So my friend I talked for a few hours, just texting back and forth, nothing big. I was bored, she was at work babysitting so it was a normal day. SO later she decided that since the little one she babysat was a bit of a handful that day (she was sick so she wasn't happy) and she was tired so she decided she'd take a nap and would text me when she woke. That was at 2:30. The next text? Was at 10. Wait did i miss something here? Well i knew she was going to go out with her friends and they were going to see a movie but man I expected something. I almost texted her after the last time she texted me but then I remembered she said she would text me and since she was going to take a nap i did not want to wake her. But apparently she forgot. Ugh. Am I being too paranoid and weird? Should I really care? I mean its not like she has some commitment to me or anything but well...I guess I have just come to expect something since we text everyday. Oh well. I suppose I am being a bit paranoid about it all but I dunno kind of feel like I am on the back burner despite that there isn't much reason on why I would feel this way. Oh well. I suppose that is something i need to work on you know? Perhaps texting first more, not expecting her to? But also I think it should be more mutual texting, taking turn perhaps? I don't know. Its in its beginning stages so we shall see. Hopefully the rest of this week goes better.

Ugh

Woke up at 6 today for no apparent reason at all. Lied in bed for a while till I decided that I'd listen to my Ipod. Three hours and several songs later I decide to get online, just because there is nothing better to do yet as it is still early. As I get online I instinctively head to facebook. But that's normal and okay right? Nothing can go wrong right? Well if we lived in a normal world then yes. The one person I really did not need to talk to was on. So i bailed. Worked right. Yeah if facebook instantly logs you out. Instead it'll probably say I am online, just long enough for that person to realize I was on. Ugh. I have no clue why i am even avoiding this person! It makes no sense. I mean, so I didn't get a text all day. So what? Does it matter? *sigh* Well, I suppose it matters to me. I just wish I knew why. I guess it is because we always talk everyday and suddenly, boom not one text. It was weird. I kinda guess it was a day where I didn't need to be by myself. But no one texted me. I guess I'll pretend yesterday never happened as they just texted me good morning. Yeah good morning indeed.

Damaged

Its just...I am an emotionally damaged person. I suppose i should take care of that but i haven't. Heck I was fine till this summer when things started collapsing. I don't know why they did either. I was in control but now...I'm not. No clue why. I should be smarter than this, wiser but I am not and its strange. Because how pathetic am I that some of my inner turmoil is because of a woman? A woman that even if she shared feelings, I would not date at this time probably. How pathetic am I? I just want to feel like there is someone out there who shares feelings for me. I want to deal with it so I can move on from here. So I can move to the next issue and get pass it. Lord, help me. Help me to get through this with my sanity intact, let me learn form it but keep me strong. Let me be only consumed in you and give me the knowledge, wisdom and discernment to deal with all of my thoughts. Help me Lord. Help me.

Worst

Summer...ever. Seriously. this has to be the worse summer ever in my life thus far. A complete crap blizzard since it seems crap has yet to stop hitting the fan! So much emotional turmoil and I seriously need to see an end soon. Whatever it is God is trying to show me, I need to see it, because this is too much. We are trying to figure out if my brother will be okay as tests are being run as he had a mini stroke a few weeks back, I have been kicked out of school and have to go to a new one for possibly a year, due to some idiots mistake my mother has had one of her checks taken away, the check that pays our house payment mind you, and my friends are suffering but there is nothing can do to help. Somebody wake me up if this is a dream because I don't wanna have to dream it anymore. I'm also dealing with the temptation of drinking to make it all go away. But I have to resist the urges, I don't, can't become an alcoholic. Its something that would affect my family, any ministry I am involved in, and my entire life in general. Nothing pretty. My only solace is potentially going on a camping trip next week, and seeing some friends. So here's hoping that works.