Apparently I either needed to take an assessment test or transfer my transcripts over, in order to get into the classes. This I have not done. This is lame. Classes start this week. I am in crap. And its my fault. I feel weak, I feel powerless, I feel depressed even. The voices have gotten louder, wanting to compensate for the bad feelings i have with something that feels good, like drinking. See, I made a decision to not drink anymore (i did for a short time) as I am a biblical studies major and feel led to becoming a Youth Pastor. I desire to represent Christ, to serve Him, to do His will but I will talk about that later. Anyways, I decided to quit drinking and now the voices are taunting. Telling me I could drink once in a while, I could quit when I get ready to become a Pastor, everything will be fine. But it won't. The answers they give look so good and legit but they aren't. They are a trap set for me and its hard to resist at times. It sucks.
It sucks i have been led here. Ina place where I do not know where to go. It sucks but it is necessary. I have been in these areas before, these places. I hate it and it sucks but these things have to happen. I am human, I plan, I prepare but God is the one who pulls the reigns.
"Man plans, God laughs"
That's what I am needing to be reminded of. It is not my will, or my plans that work. Those plans only work if they are God's plans, His will. I am human, a broken, sinful human. I stand here and I feel my humanness. Its a helplessness, a need for God. I have free will, I do. I can make choices. But I do not like the ones that have led up to this. But in the end, the lesson I learn, the things that come against me like fire that refine me, they are necessary. And if it all is from God, and necessary then maybe this, in the end won't be so bad.
I want to do what God has for me in His will. I have been led here, possibly away form it. Punished for my sins. I don't know. It takes me so long to realize these things when they come full circle. In the end i learn. Now i need only apply it all. I have wants, desires but unless they are God's they just don't work. I haven't bee listening, I need apply more. Lose my stupid laziness because it is doing me no good. Then maybe some of these situations will stop.
"Trust me, I know what self-loathing is, but to kill myself? That would put a damper on my search for answers. Not at all productive."
Thankyou for the link, interesting photos and I look forward to more exploratory pictures. With practice can you only refine your craft.
ReplyDeleteIn regards to this blog, things happen for a reason. Perhaps this was meant to happen in order to push you to take action. One door closes, another one opens (so they say). As we say here in New Zealand "chin up", you'll be fine.
P.S we have lashings of big fat cold rain. Not the thin, painful ordinary rain. I am not about to retire for the next hour with my book "The Master of Ballantrae" and a hot steamy cup of peppermint tea. It's sure to make your toes curl with satisfaction.
Yeah, one sun sets and another sun, she rises :] But anyway, your actions now really should reflect how you WANT to be, not how you used to be or how you messed up. That is all past. If nothing else is consoling, know that you are not going to make this mistake again. And the words of wisdom from my mother, the academic dean: try working smarter, not harder ;)
ReplyDeleteYou're very welcome for the link Belinda, anytime. Yes, the things that have happened are pushing me, and I can feel the inner part of myself not liking the change at all, and I really wan tot default to not having to do something so difficult but i know its for the best. Yes, I believe also that when one door closes another opens and I look forward to everything I learn in this time. Thank you for the encouragement. Also, the rain sounds fun, to me. The kind I'd be outside in without an umbrella.
ReplyDeleteOlabimpe, thank you also for your words. I need to constantly remember that the past is the past, though it is difficult at times, but I do have to go with what has happened instead of it hindering me. And yes, I most definitely won't make the mistakes i made before again and thank you for your mother's words of wisdom. :)
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