We've Come To It At Last

The end of the year 2010. I sit here at my desk and i think of the things that have happened. The experiences, painful, joyous, the good times and bad, and all others you can think of. The things which changed us so thoroughly that we are not the same person we were when this year began. No, I think we've all changed. Parts of us have been revitalized, others have died, and new parts have bloomed but one thing is certain we've all grown up one way or another in this year. Now we come to a new year, taking what we've learned and not applying it only to the year ahead but also to our lives from when we learn it to the end of the life we live. It is not only for that moment but for every moment after that we take that.

I have grown more this year and frankly its pretty scary. Suddenly the child in me is growing up and he is scared out of his mind. For now comes the responsibility of duty, of knowing what yo should and should not do. There is no more blaming it on being a teenager or a young adult. Responsibility starts now. I am becoming a man now and I have been forced to start seeing what is in front of me as I take each step. I was looking to the horizon but now no longer for I take it one step at a time going each mile and each distance. Where does it lead? I wish I knew, but God knows so that is the best person to know.

I have been given the push to grow, the tools have been given to me. Either I squander them here, in the ground or spring up, mighty and tall. The winter is ending and a new year is beginning. When Spring comes, what will you look like? A budding sapling, or a empty clump of dirt? Will this year be different for you with change or become routine and the same? Will your is eup or fall?

A lot of things happened to me this year, most I shared here, some I did not. I have grown form these and as I write this I try and think of some good things but I can't so that is one thing I'll do this year. Write down and remember all of the good times I had. Remember all of the blessings, of the family time of all God's given me. That is one of many things i have taken form this year. So take a moment and write down everything that you learned this year and keep it with you, always somewhere to look at. So maybe it could become lodged in our heads and we'd remember and know what the year before held for us and what life is giving us now. Plus sometimes we need reminders of the times we had to take a crash course through some things. It happens to all of us.

There are a lot of things i want to write about what happened to me personally but I feel that can wait for the right time to mention or say and hey, most of it is in my blog so it gives you a reason to read the writings of a mad man and a fellow actor on the stage of life. So I hope everyone who reads this, if even in passing and maybe not even at all in reading it, has a wonderful and blessed New Year's. I hope and pray for you all that it is a good one.

" Down an unknown road
To embrace my fate
Though the road may wander
It will lead me to you
And a thousand years
Would be worth the wait
It may take a lifetime
But somehow I'll see it through"

-"Go the distance"- Michael Bolton

Chapter 2010: The end

I hope..

Everyone out there had a wonderful and very Merry Christmas with family and loved ones celebrating our Savior's Birth. :)

So Long My Friend, Until We Meet Again

Originally I was going to post this on monday but I felt as though this was too important to me, to myself, to wait. On Monday, December 27, 2010 a good friend of mine will be leaving me. My friend Crystal is leaving to return home to Kansas to continue her schooling in a grad school there. I couldn't be happier for her and I am glad to have gotten to see her graduate but also there is some sadness in her leaving.

I don't think I have ever really had a friend I was so close to leave so far away where I would not be able to see them someway or somehow but I mean she is leaving to a completely different state. Its now I realize and I wish I had spent so much more time with her. I wish I could have hung out more, laughed more, taken more pictures and had made even more memories. Not that I am not appreciating the times we did spend together its just this is so new it's like, man I wish I had.

I'm sad but I know I should be happy. She is going where she feels she is called by God and I believe she will be doing something great with her pursuits and I look forward to the future. I know she isn't gone forever for one reason or another I know she will visit or be back down some day. Even so I will miss her and all the fun times we have had but I believe this is all apart of growing up and doing what God wants. I know now what my friends must have felt like when I told them I wanted to attend a seminary out of state. I told them despite their protests that i was going and now I feel like an idiot for not understanding them and sympathizing and considering what it would be like if any of them left out of state. I understand the feeling more now and I know even if I am sad I should support her in her decision!

So If you have any friends who might be form out of state at school, work or where you live, take time in enjoying their company, you never know when you might not have them anymore. Treasure the moments of good and bad. Make some time to hang out and enjoy and smile with each other. Grab a drink, a movie or just sit and talk at lunch or dinner. And make sure you always hug them often actually that should be all your friends.

So Crystal, despite the fact i will miss you terribly, I wish you the best of luck, and pray for safe keeping as you travel back home monday. I'll miss you but I hope to see you again someday. And should you write a book someday make sure you tell me so I can go out an read it. I'll take notes from it and try and be half as awesome as you will be at your work ha ha. Good bye Crystal, I love you and i will miss you my friend. :)

They said all teenagers scare the living shit out of me
They could care less as long as someone'll bleed
So darken your clothes or strike a violent pose
Maybe they'll leave you alone, but not me

-My Chemical Romance "Teenagers"

I wonder

Why I even bother sometimes. It seems that no matter what I do, what I say, or what I plan it will always be viewed as a great disappointment that I was kicked out of school to my mother. To me the worst part of it all is that despite my explaining that I will go back, that I'll do better, that I am learning lessons from God, that I have realized the things I did wrong, I still get the comments, and the lectures. Sure, its not as daily as it used to be but if i mention anything about my friends who are still in college, or are graduating a comment always comes up about how I should be graduating or about how I messed up. I know i messed up and I do not need a constant reminder of my mistakes. I have accepted it and feeling bad isn't doing me any good now is it?

Despite this I still receive comments. I've also learned not to bother explaining because apparently my words fall on deaf ears. No matter how I try and explain that taking six units will have the loan people get off my butt, or how I'll get my financial aid back once I take some more classes and appeal their decision, and once I graduate I'm going to try and work at Disney World. None of this matters of course. Why? Because I'm not doing it the way she sees's it to be done. It's always been like that with her though, her way or no way. Well she is going to have to get used to the idea that I am going to be an adult and make my own decisions about my future.

So I have to take this a day at a time but I will be glad when my online classes begin and when i return to my school so I can be gone for several hours a day and not have to deal with so much major crap. I know my parents want the best for me but sometimes there are just things you can't change and just...yeah.

Almost Closing Time

It is hard to believe that in only a few weeks we will be entering a new year. This year seems to have blown by quickly, as a lot of things have happened. Now I am looking back on the events that have now shaped me, the lessons I have learned, the sufferings i have gone through and the joys as well. I look back at this year and see myself being uprooted and changed, growing into the person I'll be. I look back to who I was just earlier this year during the spring semester at my college to who I am now and I seem so much more different. I have discovered different things about myself this year and some of them I like some I do not. Parts of me that showed the good and the bad that I have to either work on or kill off. I am a work in progress and this year has definitely began a work in me. God has began a work in me.

I will try this new year that is fast approaching, to deal with some of the inner working inside. I know I need to develop some new skills and habits and kill off the old ones that have held me back. There are other things too, things I learned about myself that I despise that I really want to move on from but it takes time and patience (which is also a work in progress) to get o where I am going. So take a moment or two and reflect on what this year has taught you. The good, the bad and everything in between for you that happened. Take the lessons and learn from them, apply them and get ready for a new year.

The year in review status updates form facebook. Kind of a trip:

Flyleaf - Dear My Closest Friend (Remember To Live)

Dear my closest friend
I'm writing because
I miss you so much
At night I'd always cry
The stillness still reminds me of
When we first fell in love
And I miss that so much
Dear my closest friend

Dear my closest friend
I remember when
You asked me to stay
And I just walked away
I apologize
And then my letter sent
I lost that moment
I lost that moment
Seconds at a time
Seconds at a time
I wait for your answer
But I already know
Your hand was always mine

Your hand was always mine
Your hand was always mine

Dear my closest friend
I'm writing because
I miss you so much

Can't we all just get along?

Oh wise internet I seek your wisdom once again. So a female friend of mine recently reconnected with a guy friend of hers from her high school. So they're talking and catching up when he admits to her that he has always liked, her that since high school he has still liked her and that whole deal. As she is telling me about him she says that they have a lot in common and that, that scares her. Why does it scare her? Because he knows her so well, just by looking into her eyes even and what she wants is someone who'll be a challenge. Will challenge her, someone she'll butt heads with.

Now here is where I am confused. Is a person understanding you and having lots in common with you necessarily a bad thing? If not when does it become a bad thing? I don't know to me, if you guys can work well together in a relationship and butt heads as little as possible it seems like a good thing. I don't know that is just me. What do you think?

Trust Me, I'm God

Trust (n): assured reliance on the character, ability, strength, or truth of someone or something.

So, there I was about a month ago, sitting in the Prayer Chapel at Biola University. I had went to God because i was hurting badly. I went to God for comfort, for guidance and do you know what I got out of this? Nothing. I sat there and bore my heart to God, I cried and I felt pain and I felt nothing but that pain and an emptiness in my chest. I had asked, pleaded and begged God to not leave me alone, to send me someone to give me comfort, support, anything. To not feel this type of loneliness I was feeling. Know what I got in return? Nothing, absolutely nothing. I left there that night with that pain and that emptiness still swelling in my chest. So I came up with an idea of what to do about it. I went to go see two people for comfort, for help (yes I do realize I had tried to do things my way and find an answer and that, that road never ends well) but neither of them had been around for me to talk to that night. Great, just great. So i did the next best thing, I went back to the room to sleep.

For two weeks I held onto that feeling of pain, the feeling of emptiness in my chest. It lingered there no matter what I did. So I decided I'd just sit down and think/write/meditate it out. As I wrote out what I had been feeling, I started writing and eventually came to a stop when I had realized what I had written. This is the original post:

You see, I don't know why but when it comes to me, I don't ask others for help. For some reason its hard for me to say "please, I need help. I'm hurting. I need help." I feel as if no one will be there for me. Why? Aren't they my friends? Then why can't I just reach out and ask for help? I don't know. Perhaps it is because i didn't deal with an old issue and it developed into something more. I begged God to not leave me, to not let me be and feel so alone. But then, if God never left me, and loves me, and my friends love me too and are there for me, why do I have to be so afraid?

I came to the conclusion that when it came to trusting God, to trusting people, I stayed at a distance. i didn't want to get hurt. I didn't want to get so close that if something happened it would hurt me so badly. But that is also why I have always questioned how much faith I put into God. I didn't put all my trust in Him, despite what I knew, what I believed. Despite all he had done for me to teach me. It was all to end up here, with me writing that and there I admit something so deep and dark that is inside me. So I prayed, I prayed that God would help me trust Him more, that I can reach out to my Brother's and Sister's in Christ more in trust and love.

Now, I'll tell you why I told you this. Because last week, I almost lost my father. My father has been sick for years, even before I was ever born he has been sick and has only been getting worse. So a week ago in the midst of all the crap that was happening i questioned what God was trying to tell me. I asked "what can I even possibly learn from this? What can become of it?" And all I heard was that reminder about trust. SO I trusted Him, I put he reigns down of me trying to control my life and let God take over, trusting Him. As of Tuesday my dad came back home form the hospital, several times better. Even despite this, he is still sick but all I can do is trust God and though I didn't get a chance to tell a lot of people I did tell a few so I start small and work my way.

I don't know why its hard for me to reach out and ask "please pray, please help." Its just the way I am. I don;t want to be that way of course. I want to be able to share, to ask for help and prayer. I want to be able to love them fully, to help. So please don't be angry, just be a little patient with me, I'll get there.

I cannot learn to love my neighbour till I learn to love God. I cannot learn to love God except by learning to obey Him-C.S. Lewis

Noises and Voices

Noises, so many noises in my head. Voices, so many voices in my head. Noises and voices, each one i dread. They leave and come back, can't seem to get them out of my head. My head, oh God my head. No matter what I do there just doesn't seem to be an end. Oh, God where is this going? Is this how it ends? I need to keep my trust in You, I need to keep my love in You. It just seems so hard sometimes. Help me Lord, give me some strength, give me some hope, give me a miracle. Give me You.

I would like to take this time

To wish everyone here on blogger a very Happy Thanksgiving and i hope your day is filled with blessings, family, and love. Have a wonderful day and give thanks, God Bless!

Friend, foe, or both?

One thing I never understood was how one minute people could absolutely dislike someone, telling other people how they screwed them over, go out of their way to avoid or ignore them and then suddenly start hanging out with them and being friends? It makes no sense! I have encountered this many times (usually with girls, no offense meant) and it doesn't make sense. For instance I know two girls who were at odds with each other, one not liking the other and vice versa for one reason or another and suddenly I see them going out, hanging out with each other. What the heck? When did this happen?

When did you suddenly become friends with this girl? I mean it doesn't make sense. Is it really a kiss and make up sort of thing? When did that memo go out? I mean you guys were both at odds so much before now going out and having fun. So strange. It perplexes me how they go form being so mean to being friendly. Is it an act? I mean why go through so much to like someone? Such strangeness or maybe they got over it just randomly? A mystery for our time.

Something must be wrong with me

One minute I am furious that you snapped at me and said what you said and the next minute I am forgiving you. *sigh* My friend was right. I'm a lover not a fighter. Probably will get me killed someday but oh well that is how it goes. So yes I have forgiven you. Though I wish i could make you understand how much it hurt when you said those things to me. But its forgiven and I will try to have it forgotten. Let's just go back please to being friends okay? :)

Oh and yes she sent me the picture as a way of apologizing as she knows how much I love the lights during the fall at my school.

unforgettable moments

So here i am. I feel many emotions as I sit here. I feel anger, sadness, betrayal, disgust, hurt and others I cannot even describe. Why? Why does a man feel any of these things? Because of a woman. Because, in the end, I was proven right. The good guy doesn't win, he dies, full of regrets. Oh he saved the world but at what cost? He lies there, no one to help him up, after he helped so many. Just lying there. So here I am, lying here, as everyone passes me by. And you don't care. I was used, again, it seems. There things, my brain and my heart, they have failed me. Yet I do not know what to do to/with them.

So here I am. After my times of helping you. After standing with you, hearing you cry, holding you, offering advice and being there for you, I am discarded. Was it all for nothing?! I guess so. But you showed me what is real. When I offered an answer that did not fit into your delusion of reality, when I tried to help, what's worse when I tried to show you how beautiful you really are you shove me away.

Well no more. You want to only talk about school, the weather and how we are doing? Fine by me. We'll go back to the way things were before you liked him. Best part? My feeling are dead. What did they bring in the end? Nothing. Its just my fault for caring too much. Even now does it even cross your mind if you've hurt me or not? I bet not. But hey, that's life. I'll still be there of course, and will help you too. But let's make it clear. As i sit here, writing this. I. DON'T. CARE.

Taking a turn

For the better. Things have finally decided to calm down a bit in my house. I appreciate this greatly as it means my stress levels are going down and I am sleeping better and actually having an appetite and eating too. A very definite plus considering how things were going. The stress levels were just getting to me. A very big plus was celebrating a friends birthday, and see a lot of old friends and even making some new ones. A definite fun time! I needed some fun badly. Being cooped up in a house for so long is never any fun. It gets better too because it's been raining so I have been very happy by this. Always something soothing about the rain.

Would asking for the reason...

Be that same as committing treason?

I have been an emotional mess lately. A lot of issues has risen and its making me doubt my decisions, myself, and most of all doubt where everything is going. It is absolutely ridiculous. i was fine and dandy up until this last weekend. This last weekend of suck! So my brother had a bad reaction to some medication. Now it was nothing serious it just made him lose sleep and thus made his anxiety go up. Well the doctor finally took him off of it and gave him sleeping meds and anxiety meds. Sounds peach right? Wrong. Now the only reason he does not sleep is because he is keeping himself awake from worrying about every little thing. No matter what it is he'll worry about it and when we try and bring him out of this worry stage he finds something in our words and worries about that too! I am sorry I know I should be more considerate to my brother but his worrying is messing with my mother and she already doesn't have perfect health so he is making her stress and worry and just gah!

I am sorry I guess I just need to rant. Its just man it gives me worries too because he either snaps out of it and sleeps and feels better or he doesn't and everyone has to worry and make changes in their schedule and just yeah no, no bueno. Not to mention from his pacing all night long through the house I have had horrible sleep as well so he is dragging the rest of us with him and just ugh! I see no real reason why this should be happening. God, I need a reason, I need to see why this is happening. So troublesome. I suppose the only way to combat this is sleep earlier but the lame part is I have woken up so early it just feels useless. God, please, lets see the end of this soon or your will and reason for it. Preferably before I go insane. Thank you.

We bring a dawn long overdue

I dunno, I kind of have come to the conclusion that I have to change some aspects of myself. I am not the party type but I have gone off and enjoyed some things such as hookah or even drinking with friends at one time or another and I feel that its gotten old fast and its only really just begun. I feel as if inside is something telling me to quit these things as if they're a lost cause of sorts. This stems from my seeing pictures of some friends going out and having fun at a hookah bar and I don't know but I felt emotional about it. I have no clue why but I just I can't even describe how I feel but its just i don't know. It seems so empty now from when I had done it the few times before. Like something is saying "no, you don't need that" or "it's time to quit that stuff". Its weird the way I am feeling.

Honestly I am not judging anyone because I mean I have done it too so why should i judge? Nor am I seeking a pat on the back or a "well done for getting away form that." Perhaps I am simply doing what is required of me, like that I am supposed to do in the first place? I have no idea. Maybe more will come to me later, maybe not. I just felt like sharing.

Your real, new self will not come as long as you are looking for it. It will come when you are looking for Him-C.S. Lewis

Such is Life

The process of growing up is to be valued for what we gain, not for what we lose-C.S.Lewis

So here I am now. I am becoming an adult. It has been a process that has taken a long time and a lot of different emotions and events. Some were painful physically, emotionally and mentally and some were filled with peace and joy but they all played a role. So here I am now coming to terms with a lot of things. Family health issues, finding work, school and the decisions I'll have to make and my own inner issues. Its scary, really. I ask myself "is this the right decision? Is this the right course to take? What happens if I do not succeed? What happens if I do?" So many question but I suppose those are all the risks an adult has to take. To try and find the right path that God wants me to take. The course of action I should pursue but also to make decisions a man, an adult must make.

Happy Halloween

I hope everyone had a wonderful Halloween night filled with lots of memories and good times. Mine was a sugar filled rush of zombies, and Vincent Price, so all in all an epic Halloween. It was a nice relaxing time and I had fun so here is to another great Halloween. Now I can't wait for how awesome next year will be! :D

Big boys don't cry

About a week ago, after having a less than pleasant conversation on the phone with my mother, I needed some alone time. Basically I was being blamed for my current situation AGAIN. WHen I say again I mean I almost here everyday about how not being in school is my fault. I have come to terms with the fact that yes, it is and I have learned a great deal form it, about myself and my relationship with God. Well after a conversation where we did a bit of yelling and a lot of blaming on me, my friends, girls (though I haven't had a girlfriend in a year) and a lot of other things I needed to be alone so I went to a small prayer chapel on the campus of my school. And there I just broke.

I asked God why it had to hurt so bad. Why I felt alone, why the people who say they love me continually hurt me, why I always felt that no one cared about me, like no one would listen or was there. I just broke down crying, for the first time in a long time. I begged Him to help take it away, the feeling of being so alone, of being empty and begged to be filled. I don't know why i feel this way, I really don't. The only thing I assume it can be is just constant disappointments of people. Of people lying, betraying, causing drama and just generally disappointing you. I know people are flawed and not perfect but there are some general things that you just expect them to understand.

Much of the whole event though just stemmed from being constantly blamed for my mistakes day in and day out. Always hearing the comments. How my friends are going ahead of me, how i have messed it up for myself, how i have wasted money, etc. To be honest I am so tired of it. I admit there are deeper things inside that I should and need to deal with but for the most part the main thing is right there in front of me, staring me in the face. Just the constant blaming, criticizing and just yelling. It sucks. I hate it and just yeah, I am sick and tired of it.

Darkest Part of me pt 3. [END]

I have taken away your power. I have taken away what you fed on and now you lay in the depths slowly disappearing. I feel much better now that I know you'll fade. Sure you crawl to me, mocking me, throwing out the occasional slander at me as I stand before you but it is vain. Give up, soon enough the light will come back in and consume you away. You'll have nowhere to hide. Its over, you lost evil me. Good bye.

What is drama...

but life with the dull bits cut off"-Alfred Hitchcock

Well it seems a lot of the dull bits has been cut off recently. I don't know what it is but just recently around me there has been a lot more drama than what is needed. The worse part is because its all from misunderstanding and such, people refusing to talk face to face or just idiotic people stirring up trouble. There are so many situations right now that its not even funny. I'll need to hire some scribes to take everything down for this epic of a play I am in. Still trying to figure out if it is going to be a tragedy or comedy. Is there anything i n between those? Can I have that one please? Thank you.

It just seems so insane that these events are happening. What is wrong with our generation? It always seems we can't stay out of trouble or someone is being stupid and causing trouble. Makes no sense but I hope all of this can be solved soon. Very soon.

Our Adventure

This was a weekend I needed for a long time. This weekend I was lucky enough to celebrate my brother in Christ, Josh's birthday at his house. It was an awesome time filled with candy, monsters, Mao (the card game), movies, and lots of inside jokes and fun memories. I had an awesome time. On Saturday we arrived at his house and began the invasion as I call it. We were greeted by candy. Lot's and lot's of candy. I do not, nor do I want to know how much candy I consumed. It was a lot. Coupled with a Monster. Its all one big blur. I also discovered why people cringe at the name Mao when offered to play this game. I banged my head against the table many times that day.

The day was filled with many noms as we all got to share in my friend's mother's epic cooking. It's ridiculously awesome! After stuffing us we proceeded to gifts. Now my buddy Jeremy and I decided to get him a special gift. See, while we went camping our friend josh pulled an amazing maneuver when he thought he heard something walking near a stream that was next to our campsite. So being the guy that he is he threw a rock at it. So my buddy Jeremy and I got him a rock and signed our names on it along with our friend Kellen. Twas an epic gift and his family loved the story. We then proceeded to the jacuzzi where we were baked alive for several hours but survived. The usual schedule when we go to his house.

The night ended with us talking and watching the Island which is an excellent movie if you have never seen it. The next morning I was greeted to kisses. Kisses form his dog deciding to wake me up. Yeah quite a wake up call. Then after eating it was off to church, then back tot he house for more food and some more fun before our adventure ended with us leaving our friends house. All in all it was an epic weekend and one i felt all of the people who went, including my buddy needed. Everyone has been swamped so i can understand a vacation is needed and i am glad they got one.

An introduction again of sorts

Hi. My name is Robert and this my blog. I call this blog "Character Development". Why you might ask? Well Shakespeare said the world is a stage. There are our supporting characters, main characters, those who come in ad those who exit. We are characters on this stage. Life begins before we know it, sometimes when we do not plan, in fact it starts when we do not plan. All we can do is practice our lines and hope for the best. but for the sake of understanding i have decided that for this blog life begins after you graduate form school. Whether high school or college, depending on who you are it begins at different times,but regardless, no stopping it.

Our experiences, our trials, our happy times, our friendships, enemies, all of this gives us opportunities to become the character we are meant to be. Sometimes we get them right, sometime we do not. But we are all characters responsible for this. That is what free will is all about. we decide what to do with the script given to us. Either throw it away and do our own thing or try our hardest to honestly follow through. Regardless we are becoming people. People who will play roles in others lives as much as they play in ours.

So it is up to you how you do this whole life thing. While here, on my blog, you get to see how I do it. You can see the personal times I share, the good and bad. The ups and downs. I am not perfect nor do I claim to be perfect or just or righteous. i am human, and as a human I fail and quite often. Well here is my ups and downs, here is my story. M name is Robert and it is very nice to meet you.

To You

I think you are one of the many people I have met that should never know pain or sadness. I look back and I can see that life has destroyed the romantic, fantasy world you had, the innocence if you will and has filled it with this cruel world. It has shown you the death of the unicorns, the dark hearts of witches, the darkness of dragons and most of all the cruelty and evil of man. But I am so sorry that it must happen because it must. It must teach you reality. To come and see what the world is like. But it seems so unfair to someone such as yourself. Someone with the innocence of a child stripped away by the world. By God. It seems so unfair. But, I cannot help but remember, but believe, but know, but to have faith that God loves you, cares for you, want the best for you and wants you to be a woman he see's you to become.

I know it hurts so much. You have so much passion inside, so much love to give. Give it to God, so that he may use you and that passion that burns for something good. Waiting isn't so bad. Well it feels like it is but the hope I have is that someday someone so incredible will come and boom the worries of finding that special someone will disappear. But that is not the end the story continues from there but that is another matter entirely.

No Happy Endings

You messed up. You did it again. You didn't think right and now she is hurt. Look what you've done. Why? Because you lust. Because you can't make up your mind, because you can't stop wanting. You are selfish no matter how hard you try and tell yourself that you aren't and that you wanted to give something up because its right. Well now here you are chafing your heart against a rock as it bleeds all over the stupid place and you have no one to blame but you. Disgusting. Can't even take control of your emotions.

And that is why you suffer. That is why you have slowly let me out. Because you felt what it was like to not be responsible to be wild, to be free, and you enjoyed it and it was dangerous and fun. You aren't a good boy anymore, you are a monster now. A nice calm, quiet, neat monster. Hiding yourself form the prying eyes. Maybe deep inside you didn't mean it sure but she knows.

And here you are, pathetic wanting to say something. Love? Don't kid yourself. You are too scared to love because you don't have a perfect definition yet. So you sit here, making excuses. All alone, hugging that damn pillow just so it feels like someone cares. Oh you say they do but do they? How many really want to hear about your worries? You worry so much about them and hat do they do? They beat you, ridicule you, put you down! Friends? I think not. You are weak and don't want to hurt them but you may have to. such a monster. what would they say if you showed them?

But i know i can find peace in God. I just hold onto so much negative because it all I have known for so long. God, take away the hurt, the pain, the disappointment, betrayal, sadness, depression,a ll of it. piece me back together. Save me oh God.

I wrote this today when I was in a dark place. I let go of everything that was building up inside. Its all due to the blame that negative voice inside us always gives us. When it yells, it criticizes, blames because its that part of us that know the truth. Well part of the truth it does twist it make it seem so full of despair. But there is hope, and light that saves us, saves us from the dark. God is that light, the light that can fix even me. Thank you lord.

Whoa

Yeah I think way too hard sometimes. Seriously I get too wrapped up in my thinking, in my imagination or fantasy (no not that type of fantasy) that when I do something else and go back thinking I was on a webpage or do something else i realize that no, I was just thinking really intently on something and was distracted that it seems so real. This is why some of my memories turn out to be dreams and why I think I had deja vu so much. It is lame and annoying to try and keep this concept of reality going when my brain is so much more interesting. Ha ha ha it seems like I am still in elementary school in class bored just this happens outside of class now. Oh the joys ha ha.

Check, check, reality check.

So this past week, I'd have to say was horrible and was one of the worse weeks I have had in a long time. Other than being completely boring and bland, a lot of issues have come up. For starters I have tried enrolling in classes for the school I got into for online classes but it hasn't cleared me for it yet and so I am wondering if I had enrolled correctly for the online classes and haven't been able to call the school as they are located in Chicago and thus on a different time schedule. So when I try and call thinking I have made it in time I find that I have in fact not and thus have to keep pushing myself to call at the appropriate times on a different day. The classes start the 25 so I am in quite the pickle if I messed this up and i am praying i did not. So very lame.

Combine also this week that the reality check I needed is that I am so completely emotional unstable its not even funny. Seriously, I have such issues with my feelings for certain girls I am sure you could write a script to it for a TV drama. Jumping form one girl tot he next and the fluctuating emotions and just gah! So troublesome. Luckily God is obviously showing me that my thoughts of a relationship are obviously wrong and stupid for me to be thinking them since I cannot even deal with my own feelings. So lame.

Then there was an incident I posted earlier about a friend and I sort of crossing swords when we had an issue (an issue I now see where I was wrong in) and I was angry at her for a while. Which sucks because we are such close friends that being angry just didn't make sense and as soon as I see her I plan to apologize and fix the situation.

Another large issue is the fact that my mother has been under a severe amount of stress as she has been forced to travel back and forth to see my grandfather in the hospital after surgery to fix his hip when he broke it. Well this stress obviously is an issue and makes her tired and worst of all irritable. Which is the second part of this and her dislike for my elder sister as of late. Now when I say dislike I mean she is slamming cupboard doors, yelling at us (who have done nothing to deserve said yelling) and slamming doors. There is also the saying things out of anger as she does (this has caused both her and I to say things in the past that have more than likely left scars) and just yeah creating an uneasy atmosphere.

So home life has been no bueno and I dislike this greatly. This week has completely blown and the only thing left to save it is tomorrow (Sunday) which is church. I pray the Lord gives me peace at church cause I sure as heck do not have it here. Which sucks because its home and your home should be a nice place to escape from other forms of hell but nope mine is my own personal hell.

Other than this the Lord has been teaching me thing as of late. The fact that no, I do not need a relationship, that I was wrong in my anger with my friend, some patience and a good old reality check. I definitely need to change some aspects as well in my character and personality that I figured need to be changed and do a total transformation and building up. But such is life. Here is hoping everyone else's is going better than mine right now. If it wasn't for God and the fact that this will eventually pass I think I'd go crazy.

What's going on inside of me?
I despise my own behavior
This only serves to confirm my suspicions
That I'm still a man in need of a Savior

In the Light-DC TALK

The shadows feel dry

The title is from a picture i had seen, which, before I clicked on it to see it magnified, I thought it had said that but in fact said "The shadows flee away". So one I need to start wearing my glasses more often and two it got me thinking. What would shadows feel like? I imagine they would feel dry because, now bear with me, what does it feel like when you are walking through a dark hallway, or down a dark street? You are feeling anxious, and scared. Constantly looking over your shoulder because you thought you heard something and letting your mind distort what you can or cannot see. You lick your lips and suddenly its harder to breathe, your throats dry and all you want is just a little bit of light to invade in just so you could see everything is okay.

The dark surrounds, its blankets, it suffocates. Its all around, everywhere and covers everything in its path. But that is merelymy thoughts about the dark and how it feels.

The Shadows feel dry.

Well crap

Yeah I messed up. Big time. Today ha snot been my day. Ugh. Lame. I suppose the bad Monday vibes made it to this Tuesday since yesterday was an okay day. Well crap I thought it wasn't a big deal but I should have been more considerate. I suppose this is the price my buddy and I pay for it. So messed up, just when things seemed up. Guess I just needed a reality check or something. A lot crap comin up from it though in my head getting reminded of stuff I thought I buried. Well isn't that just wonderful?

Curious people? Alright let me break it down. So I basically I introduced two of my friends to each other. Let us call one Mike and the Amy. Well Mike and Amy go to the same school and they see each other almost every day. Well Mike and I have a type of thing we do where when we see a pretty girl, we txt the other about it. Yeah I know we seem like pigs and everything for doing it but lets address that later. Well he has been texting me for a while about Amy and what she wears. MIke has been doing this occasionally and sporadically over the course of maybe two or three weeks.

Well today as I was texting Amy, she told me Mike accidently txted her a text meant for me, which, again catalogued what she was wearing. Amy was concerned Mike might be interested and she didn't feel the same way. In an attempt to quell her fears of being in an awkward situation I mentioned that she had nothing to fear that this was something he and I do (yes I know pigs, get over it) and she had nothing to fear. Amy then decided to ask about how often this happens. I responded, with best intentions, that it happened sporadically along the weeks, not too bad right? Wrong. Apparently I failed in my duty as a brother (as I see her as my sister). The main part that got me was the quoting of Edmund Burke at me. I live by this quote that "All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing." Now she was not calling Mike evil but was saying that what would it take for "good men" to stand up and do something.

Now she said that she forgave us both and nothing is wrong but I have known Amy long enough to know that, that is not the case that she is probably hurt and feels betrayed and violated in a way. I mean I can understand where she is coming from and i admit I did fail in my duty because part of it did bother me but I said nothing and I should have considered how she felt but, I just don;t know. Part of me understand but part of me wants to shout out "how dare you?" I'm human, I fall, I mess up, I fail. We all do. I feel as if I had some expectation on me not to be a guy who looks at girl and yes i do know it is already something I shouldn't do as a Christian but still I dunno. Its all so messed up right now and complete crap. So the next time my friends and I all hang out it'll be weird and awkward I just know it and just GAH! I hate my life right about now just because of my thought process I had days prior and just ugh! So stupid!

Now you may sling your comments of how I am a pig. No I am not looking for pity or being a martyr. Perhaps i am looking just for someone to talk to or perhaps someone who care to listen and understand. I dunno. So pathetic.

The Moon and the Rain

I wonder why the two are never out together? Is it so strange to catch even a glimpse of the moon and have it raining at the same time? Now when I say moon I mean when it is full because nothing else will do if the two should meet but a complete moon for the rain to hang out with. If this happens I promise to do everything in my power to find a way to get to your house. I suppose it'd be appropriate to be near you when the two things that remind us of one another are together. Just so I can give you a hug, enjoy some tea together or just say hi! I miss you and look forward to more rain to remind me of you!

In the late afternoon it rained...

I woke up this morning to discover and old friend decided to stop by for a visit. The rain had finally come. It was wonderful to stand outside in the rain after its long, long absence away. The rain did not last for long but despite that I am happy because of the clouds as well and the coolness that is visiting us to relieve us from the heat. It is a pleasant change of pace. I also enjoyed having myself a cup of tea outside while it rained so that mad the tea so much more enjoyable. I know it may seems silly but I love the rain and the coolness. It always enjoyable and reminds me of days past when I would walk out in the rain or hang with friend sin the rain. Good times, definitely good times. So I hope everyone else gets to enjoy the rain as well or a nice cup of tea or coffee. Treat yourself to a little break or something relaxing that makes you feel good.

"And then, very slowly, as he walked away , he tilted his head back in the rain, for just a few moments, and opened his mouth..."

Fahrenheit 451

The Merry Month of...

October. It has become that time of year I oh so love. When we journey back to the October Country. A beautiful time of year filled with cloudy morning, leaves turning color and dancing in the wind. And it's just cool enough that you could find someone to cuddle with (unless you're in California right now in which you both will be very hot and sweaty) and enjoy something warm together.

Ah how i love this time of year! Alas I can almost certainly tell it will be an eventful and challenging month. A lot of my family issues have arisen as of late and I am needing a great deal of support. Not to mention some family squabbles as well which are occurring that really don't need to happen but what are you going to do? I'm kind of just biding my time with it all, waiting for the storm to pass and have faith in God. In a few weeks at least I will hopefully be starting my new classes and be no longer bored and left to my voices and mind late at night. I will find this to be a much better time.

So this month shall be filled with many epics of the story of my life, or so I believe. Suppose all I can do is see.

"...that country where it is always turning late in the year. That country where the hills are fog and the rivers are mist; where noons go quickly, dusk's and twilights linger, and midnights stay. That country composed in the main of cellars, sub-cellars, coal-bins, closets, attics, and pantries faced away from the sun. That country where people are autumn people, thinking only autumn thoughts. Whose people passing at night on the empty walks sound like rain..."

October Country by Ray Bradbury

The future seems...

So i think it is such a trip to be thinking now of what I will do when I graduate from college. I do have some more time here and unfortunately I am learning only now to buckle down and get my crap together after having to take a major blow to my schooling. Well now I am sitting down and trying to plan out what I will do once I graduate and its looking up right now as opportunities are popping up in places I didn't think of. I hope this is from God but if it is not then I hope the doors are closed than let me go down a path I am not supposed to. Well here is hoping and praying.

This is directed at someone who will never read this (unfortunately). I am completely disgusted at you. I cannot believe your lies have hurt another person I know and that you can sleep at night with what you have done. Does it make you feel good about yourself? Does it help fix your insecurities? Do you enjoy doing these things? I really hope you marry this girl because you two are perfect together, telling lies and such. Despite the fact you are miserable in your relationship and I am sure you'd bail if she wasn't going through so much crap in her life. I honestly can't decide if I want you two to break up or get married. I suppose its whatever makes you feel worse in the long run.

I am angry you would do this. And after she convinced me you were becoming a better person, that you had regrets and you were trying. Well you will receive no pity from me when the day you get your retribution comes. I can't believe you both would do this. I mean I thought both of you were finally being something normal or human with emotions, logic and understanding but I suppose you both are just better liars than I will ever be and probably will ever see in my lifetime.

I write this and i am angry, I am hurt, shocked and yes surprised because I thought you changed. I guess you had everyone fooled again.

Being Evil...

MEANS NEVER HAVING TO SAY YOU'RE SORRY

"I’m Sorry". Such an insignificant thing. Those of us who use it must ask what it really means. We say it but do we truly understand the meaning? Its an apology, I understand that but there is just something else to it. Something I don’t quite comprehend. Could it be because it is said so freely it has lost its meaning? Because, well, do we say it without truly understanding it? Without the understanding do we really mean it? Do we just just use it to qwell fights? I feel we do. I do at times at least. Of course I believe there is that part that is truly sorry. Somewhere...

I wrote this some time ago when I started out writing. Its now that I realize some things about the words "I'm sorry". No one ever really means it. They do, at times, when they have really screwed up but part of it truly is the desire for things to go back to normal, so they clear the sick feeling in their gut and get on with life. I say this because this happens all the time in my house. We will get mad and say we are sorry and no sooner we are mad again. It always happens as this and I cannot help but think: "If you were really sorry you'd try and not repeat the same actions."

In my house i try and keep my mouth shut so no one can get angry. There are times though where I want to scream, to yell, to say what is on my mind, what I'm feeling. But it always makes it worse when I do, so I keep my mouth quiet. The worse part is always the apologies, the saying sorry because maybe even hours or minutes later or the next day it'll be the same. It sucks, I dislike it. Its one of the things I want to fix. I want to be able to say I am sorry and mean it, to try and not get angry again and hurt someone right after I apologized. One of the things that always happens that I dislike and will not do when I become a parent. Perhaps I'll figure out how to correctly say I am sorry someday in the future. But perhaps also such a thing will never be because it escapes us.

Songs to remember by

Ever have a song that was just ruined for you, because of a person? Could be friends gone bad, an old flame turned enemy, really anything but The song just brings back bad memories? Can't listen to it anymore can you? It really sucks because I have a whole pile of songs like that not Only one or two. They bring back the memories you wish you could change or images from a moment you'd sooner forget or a wish for a moment to have happened. Yeah that's the music in my pile for me. One of them was a song called Calling You by Blue October. I dedicated this song to my girlfriend at the time and always listened to it at least once a day because this song basically conveyed how I felt.

Well cue break up and the song becomes unbearable to listen to! In fact it is only recently that I can listen to that again. Even then its just not as great as it was at one time. Now you may ask "Robert why do you not just simply delete the songs?" Well that is easy, because I actually bought them and do not want to waste the money I spent on the songs to simply go to waste. I know they go to waste anyway because I do not play them as much as i used to but still better than getting rid of them and then suddenly wanting them back. It happens and more so because of blatant insanity. But sometimes I think we just lie awake in bed with our ipod or mp3 on and just listen to those songs. Because for a moment we might just be back in time when those moments were alright.

You may wonder what inspired this and its simple. As I write this, I am listening to a song that reminds me of someone at this moment. It's good but this one leaves a wanting that can't be filled. Yep, lame.

I will keep calling you to see
If you're sleeping, are you dreaming
If you're dreaming, are you dreaming of me
I can't believe you actually picked me

Blue October- Calling You

The weekend of coffee

I have had so much caffeine this weekend its not even funny. On thursday night I went out with my friends Jacob, Mary Ann and Alan. We all piled into Jacob's car and we were off on our adventure to Denny's. We had a lovely therapy session and during this time I consumed 4 cups of coffee! One of those was Mary Ann's and unbeknownst to me it had 3 packs of sugar in it, which explains so much of what happened after that cup. Needless to say we had a lot of fun out that night.

Now last night, friday night got even better. Jacob and I headed out again, this time to a movie. We picked up my friend Kim and we were off to see Easy A which isn't that bad minus the whole taking God's name in vain and Hollywood's idea of what Christians are like. Besides that it was a funny movie. So all in all it has been a good weekend so far with today being somewhat boring but boring can be good. Some time to definitely relax after the last two days.

Bucket list

Go to England

Go to Paris and see the Eiffel tower in blue lights

Go lay out in a prairie and write/sleep

Go see Wicked, and phantom of the opera

Go to New York for New Years and be in times square.

Go tothe original starbucks

Be out drinking tea at twilight

See more bands in concert

Buy all of the SAW movies on DVD

Build a collection of awesome horror movies

Read the classic books everyone else has read ( pride and prejudice, the hiding place, etc.)

Go tot he huntington on a date

Spend the whole day at the beach and looking at shops near the beach

Visit everyone after they graduate form college no matter where they are

Go to all the bands concerts I love

Go out and truly enjoy the rain.

Write an unofficial book

Travel and enjoy tea and coffee from around the world

Have a giant tea party

Give the walrus back his bucket

Anymore ideas are welcomed!

Maintaining Conscienceness

"Man always wants what he cannot have". I have heard these words used a few times in my life and I am only realizing now how true they are. By all rights we as human being should and usually do know when something is accessible, when it is truly able to be grasped. In fact I am sure we do know the difference between the accessible and non-accessible. My own experience in this (we shall talk of this later on) proves the point of it. Well more often tan not we are torn in two when these moments come and we are at a crossroads. We have our angel and our devil on their own respective shoulder telling us what to do. Each is out for what they believe to be in our best interest. Well which do you choose?

Because it, unfortunately, happens. We encounter something we want and we become consumed by it. Have you noticed that? Think back to something you wanted badly. It

consumed us, became all we cared about. It became our motivation, our will to live, it became our everything. We were or maybe even might be still owned by it.

Okay now stop. Let's draw back and get rid of the angel and devil. Now let's look at it in how it usually is. Its a storm inside of us. A decision has to be made and despite the logic you tell yourself you still feel the urge to go ahead. Its consuming you like I said and you don't wan to let it go. If I explained it all I am sure there would be those who would say go for it and those who would hate me. For the longest time i heard the voice inside saying to go for it until I was finally stopped by the right voice that said to give it all up.

But that is all I got from the voice. I got exactly what I needed to hear. Often I have called it self control but in fact its my conscience that always kept me form being stupid and doing stupid things. I got used to it that I suppose I ignored it for a while until boom my devil side decided to voice his opinion. yeah, truthfully I did listen to him a few times and those times were great right? Then why do I feel like crap deep down in a situation where I should feel joy? Well that's cause I shouldn't have been there plain and simple! But in truth it was not my self control (okay well a bit of it was) but my conscience always telling me from behind the thin veil of the dark conscience "Get the crap out of there now!'

I suppose its strange I am talking about this but I fee as if I am only just now discovering my conscience after so long of a absence. I wrote this because of a situation I dug myself in where I want what cannot have and despite that I feel I should do something about it even though its clear I should not. So now after an intervention form the good side I am trying to fix the mess I made inside of me. Leave it to us humans to just screw everything.

Character development

I see this world as a stage. Right now, I am preparing for my role on this stage as an adult. Right now I am only a minor cast member leading up to becoming a main character. Before that my plot must be set, my story told. My experiences, my minor lines, my character interaction. Because right now despite everything i rather like the cast of characters given to me by the Director. I am slowly becoming this person who'll stand under the spotlight. I will have an affect on everyone and their roles. There will be rise and falls, dramatic revelations, and even people delivering final lines at times. Everyone is a main character and yet a supporting character at the same time. Setting the stage for new plot twists, developing character back stories and so on.

I suppose this is the end of my mental musings as I have called this blog. Now I am not ending writing, of course not, this is merely a change of name here on my blog. My musings have led me to change the name because all my experiences are making me into the person I am to going to be. The person I hope I am meant to be as long as I do the right thing, God's will. I will of course still have my mental musings, those have not and will not end till I finish my lines. I will always remember my time connected with the name of this blog and the emotions, memories connected as such. I know it seems silly but I feel connected to this name in a personal way because of every experience i have written here. The good times, the bad, all of them. This is me.

So I say good bye to one of many names i have shared with myself and take on a new name. This is Character development. Where I go through motions learning my lines and who I will be in this giant play called life. Well might as well get started and see where this takes me.

Is this growing up?

Is this what growing up feels like? Its weird. Like I woke up to something new and want to try it. I look forward to what the future holds with some of the stuff i have learned recently. Does everyone feel this way eventually? Is it something you wake up to after years of learning? I feel like I am finally being an adult and doing something for myself instead of being afraid and sitting there. It is weird.

“I slept and dreamt that life was Joy. I woke and saw that life was Duty. I acted, and behold, Duty was Joy.”

- Rabindranath Tagore

Mountains

I suppose it was along time coming to get to this realization. First off I have always said that I'd do things when I was "mature" and would get there someday. Well today I realized something. Why don't I get up and do something about it? I have been waiting for it to happen as if I'll just walk down the street and fall into each experience that makes it happen. Well I suppose it time that I take some steps.

Years ago a friend of mine said that of course God will do things for us in our lives but we can't just sit around and do nothing. God has a plan but he obviously needs us to do something because as we move he directs us. If we aren't moving then what? If we're not moving that just means God has to do something to get us to move.

I'm a place now where I need to move. Need to move to make a few changes in my life. Need to pick stuff up and get rid of it you know? I know those of you who have read my blog before I have said this a couple of times but now I dunno just seems right. It seems that no matter what we do and how much we say we'll change or we are changing it never seems to stop. At least that is what I believe right now as I am young.

I know I've been getting schooled by the Spirit on a whole lot of things since I received my probation years ago. God taught me at one point to have faith, leave my procrastination behind, the beginning part of what it means to be an adult and more recently patience. I suppose eventually I'll go back and apply everything whenever the time comes. I am often afraid and in depressed moods because of the uncertainty of it all. But just because of that I cannot quit. If i do quit I really will have failed. God has this for me and I will see whatever it is to the end as long as it is His Will.

All I know
I still got mountain to climb
On my own, on my own

Switchfoot- Enough to Let Me Go

The End

You know how they say be careful what you wish for you just might get it. Well this the one time when it worked out in my favor. I suppose its better this way too. No use in going after something you'll never have and making them wait for you, you know? So it sucks on one hand but is good on another. Its strange to actually get what you want and in this case almost sort of sad. I know moving on is never easy after you have spent so much time with someone. But hey I always said i never had a chance so why feel this way? Eh I suppose I had hope for something and you know what something may happen in the future you never know but for now its time to move on and continue on this way.

Don't leave me all alone

Just drop me off at home

I'll be fine it's not the first

Just like last time but a little worse

Blink 182- Don't leave me

Sleep

The past few days I have been waking up far too early than what is to be expected of someone who has no reason to wake up early. This morning I was woken up at 7 since my mother needed me for something. This would usually be fine you know but the problem is once I have been woken up it is almost impossible for me to get back to sleep no matter how tired i am, I'll just lay there. I dislike this greatly as i have been waking up early lately minus a few times when I slept in a bit. Ugh this is lame i want to sleep in! I suppose the only answer is to go to bed earlier than 2 anymore. Seems the only way I'll get any sleep. Oh well its probably best I do anyway. At night time is usually when my brain attacks me so if I beat him to the punch and shut him off with sleep I'll be okay. As long as he does not pull a Sigmund Freud on me in my dreams. Also i discovered something as I laid in bed staring at the ceiling: the ceiling does not have much to say.

Texting is the best!....NOT

So yes I am a avid texter and enjoy it greatly being able to reach my friends with a little instant message to their phone in a matter of second. I have carried on many long conversations (one lasting form when I woke up at 6 till I went to bed at 12 with ONE person) and have carried on multiple ones at one time (yes i have sent the wrong message to people and it has been awkward). But there are things recently that have left a bitter taste in my mouth about texting. For one I have friends who will text me and we will be having a conversation and then I send my reply and...nothing. Nada, zilch, zero no reply from them for the rest of the day. Okay, what just happened here? Did you forget? Is your phone dead? I mean there has to be an explanation, I mean heck is your network hating on mine? I'd understand if it was but let me knooooow. But alas I do not get that knowledge. It is lame and i dislike it. This unfortunately happens with two of my friends. I try to not let it get to me but then again it happens and I am just gah! But yes it is lame. I suppose that is generally just their texting habits but I do not know. Perhaps even they do not have unlimited texting but still I'd like to know.

Another thing that bothers me is when you give someone a extensively long text and then all you get in return is: Ya. What? No that is not a correct response for what I said, give me something with some more depth. I feel awkward when get this because it feels as though the conversation has ended and I have no idea what to say. I usually just say yep or mhm and go on to something else but its just so confusing. I wanted a response something to have us continue the conversation but it appears that will not happen now. Yeah it is lame. I don't know maybe its just me and I am weird? That could be it and i am reading too deeply into it or something. Guess I'll just wait and see.

Strange Days have found Us?

Yeah so last couple of days have been interesting and i blame the weather change. It suddenly went form the sunny hotness to overcast cool days and nights. Now I am not complaining but I would like to have received a memo which could have prepared me for such days as I could have grabbed my camera, a cup of tea and some good books and been ready. But seriously I love the recent weather as I love walking and feeling the cool wind blowing and seeing the beautiful overcast overhead. It's simply superb. It feels like my beautiful fall time is back and I am anticipating when it comes is full bloom.

Also with fall time comes something else: HALLOWEEN. Oh how I love Halloween, and have no idea why. I wouldn't say I have had a memorable Halloween really as its usually been pretty chill but I have high hopes for this one this time around and i hope it plays out well. No idea what I will be doing but i hope its fun and better than previous years. Heck, even if i were to spend it alone I think I'd be happy just from finding something for myself to do. Sit back and enjoy something hot (yes I do drink something other than tea I just happen to have about 7 boxes of tea that need to be drank) and just watch the trick or treaters, have a horror movie marathon, listen to music or even write some. Possibilities are limitless though generally I sit in my room and turn on my string of lights and enjoy some music than anything else I plan to do more if i can! So I am excited for Halloween.

Other than that life is somewhat busy. There have been a lot of doctor running recently in my family so if you could keep my family in prayer I would appreciate it and kinda need all the stability I can get from God. So life is interesting and has thrown curve balls and its all so interesting. Interesting in that I-miss-when-life-was-boring sort of way. Yeah so that is life. has life thrown any of you lovelies a curveball lately?

My life has a superb cast but I cannot figure out the plot- Ashleigh Brilliant

Somewhere I belong

So I have had a very interesting Labor day weekend. On Friday my buddy Jacob came by and picked me up and we headed over to a bar called Gaslamp . My friend Jacob knows the band that plays there personally and introduced me to a couple of them. The ones i was introduced too were awesome and I am sure the rest of them were awesome too. The bar was really interesting, bustling with a lot of people (this was my first bar ever). The music was broken into two set lists and let me tell you it was awesome! They are an 80's cover band and play some pretty awesome songs that everyone enjoyed and loved dancing to. Yes even I danced though I am not sure you can call what I was doing dancing I at least attempted to do so.

So my friend and I Jacob were there for a while enjoying he music and Jacob ran into some of his friends there who i hadn't met before. To say they were interesting would be an understatement. After the band was finished(ending with the song Crazy Train!) Jacob and i headed off to his house where I stayed this weekend and we ended our first day.

The second day (Saturday) was less eventful as Jacob had work for most the day and that left me at his house alone. It was okay for the most part mostly watching Zim, DBZ or the History channel. All that changed later on though when we headed to another bar where the band we saw the night before had their guitarist playing. This band also did 80's but this was a bar for karaoke. Jacob tried getting me to sign up but I didn't want to for my first time there around. So that was an interesting experience seeing every sing and dance up on stage and they were all awesome, I kind of regret not getting a chance too but there is always next time. As for today well just mainly us chillin for a bit and then me going home.

There was an interesting thought I did have this weekend though. As I stood, amongst the huge crowd of people, I felt something I have never felt before. I felt as if I didn't belong. As if this was a world I wasn't supposed to be in or just didn't fit in. I felt different than everyone else and felt I was sort of a black sheep who stood out. I suppose its all a new scene to me. I go form my Christian friends to here suddenly and its sort of a culture shock. I mean we see it in movies and media but to go out and experience it is different. I mean I was not misrepresenting Christ but I wasn't representing Him either. I just felt, I dunno lost I guess. I suppose this isn't my place and that not everyone is built for bars, or clubs. Guess it just isn't for me.

Lamentations for the Storm

Oh Lord, leave me not unto this fate. Let me not buckle under the winds that push my mind, the pain that stabs my heart and the burden which troubles my soul. Leave me not to the dark thoughts that plague from my flesh or the dark desires form the old man. Leave me not to drown in the unsettling sea of the world and the enemies attacks. Lord, let me not break, let me not fall, let me remember all that you spoke to me, taught me, from your word. Let me rely on you, let me worry not. Lord, fill me with peace, the peace of your will. Let me rely on you and not on people, on the creator and not the creation. Teach me patience Lord, teach me trust and faith, teach me to love you even more and to love like you. Lord keep me and have me need all strength form you. Not form my own self, my friends or anything else but from you.

Mark 4: 39-40: ³⁹He got up, rebuked the wind and said to the waves, "Quiet! Be still!" Then the wind died down and it was completely calm.

⁴⁰He said to his disciples, "Why are you so afraid? Do you still have no faith?"

The picture on the canvas

Sitting here, at my desk in my room, I was thinking of recent events and realized I have just been taught something. I had to face palm when realizing this NOW even though it seems to fundamentally simple. Let me explain. Recently a friend of mine has been interested in dating another friend of mine. She has been trying to drop hints that she wants him to start pursuing her more often and actually do something (since he said he wanted to get to know her better but has not exactly presented situations himself to do such but she has). Well she has been giving me her side of the story, their talks, how she explained to him that she wants him to try actually doing something and so on. That was going well till I sort of realized something when I decided I was going to ask some questions. I never heard his side of it at all. I didn't know what he was thinking only her, and the canvas that the picture was being painted on became bigger and I notices the picture was missing parts.

Well I then was thinking of a time back in my junior year when a friend of mine called me in tears about her boyfriend breaking up with her (the previous day they had talked and it seemed everything was okay) and she explained what happened. I was angry the whole day that this guy would hurt her like that. Then my brain went off in a random direction in my thought process and said "I wonder what made him break up with her anyway?" Then it hit me, I never heard his side of the story. Now I seem like the jerk for not getting both sides.

Yeah so now the ghost of past situations are coming up and i wonder if i gave the right advice, said the right thing to the person. I played favorites and I wonder if I did the right thing. So now that I realize this I need to try and practice this, getting both sides of the story, even if its a heck of a lot harder and more "interesting". I suppose its also another lesson to teach the kiddies in the future. Look to both sides, because if you're looking at only one part, you may be missing a big portion of the picture.

Times - Tenth Avenue North

My Mask

For those of you who do not know I wear a mask. I wear one everyday where I smile even though I feel so sad inside. Sad because of circumstances, because of things I could not stop and as such have not let go. It has gotten worst these last few weeks as the mask has been exposed and cracked a few times. In the end though, this is necessary. My mask is breaking, I cannot hide behind it anymore and I feel at peace knowing this. I can't hide anymore. My life depends on me losing the mask. Exposing my insecurities, my fears, my sadness, anger, grief, hatred even. All of my inner, deep emotions and scars. Its all being washed away slowly through all that has happened. I've been broken, and my healing has begun. Its time to let it all go and drift off down the river, never to be seen again. Washed away by His mercy, grace, love and who he is. He is God. He loves me and I love Him. I suppose this is growing up. There is so much more I need to fix but i feel at peace right now. For the first time in a long time.

But You say let it go, You say let it go
You say life is waiting for the one to lose control
You say You will be, everything I need
You said if I lose my life it's then I'll find my soul
You say let it go, You say let it go

Tenth Avenue North-Let it go

Wake up, Donnie

Today I rolled over in bed as I woke up for one of the many times i usually wake up in the middle of sleep. I checked my phone to find 2 texts waiting for me. One of them was from Darla ( a nickname not her real name) and she told me to wake up so I could go outside and enjoy the beautiful day. I go tup and pulled up the blind on my window and I was surprised. It was cloudy out and cool. I was happy. A perfect morning to go out and enjoy some tea and that is exactly what I did. Went out on my front porch and enjoyed the coolness that followed, just me and my tea. For once, in a long time, my mind was quiet and all was peaceful.

Pulling a Ted Mosby

This will be LEGEN-wait for it...

So I am a huge fan of "How i met your mother" and if you haven't seen it, look it up or something, its an awesome show but I digress. The story is of the character Ted Mosby talking to his children about how he met their mother. He goes through the experiences he had leading up to it involving not only him but his close friends as well. Ted goes through the years, telling of the women he dated, and his search for the one. Well recently I have been re-watching all of the seasons and I was reminded how I felt when I first began watching the show. My own interest as I began watching about finding my wife was piqued as I thought that question that so many have thought: "When will I find the one?"

A legitimate question correct? Especially at the point I am at. I have already dated 6 girls and honestly, after so many times hurting people, and getting hurt and all the drama, I came down to the conclusion that I am sick and tired of all the crap of dating, and I want to meet my wife already. You know cut through all the crap and drama already? I mean I think this but i dunno. I am not exactly in a position to be getting married you know? I still have more school, no job, no car or license I am not exactly the catch but I just cannot help but feel like this. It sucks and yes I know most people provide drama when there is drama but I dunno. Its all confusing. I kind of want to search for her but, then what? Am I ready for marriage, for dating before marriage for planning? No. So why think about it? I don't know. Maybe i'll start piecing it all together as life goes along and see where it get's me.

...DARY!

Darkest Side of Me pt. 2

So I Suppose this is good bye. I think I let you out just to be able to cope with the stress, but I started giving you too much freedom and started showing more of you. Well, now its time for you to go back into the depths of my mind. I should never had let you out because i saw parts of my old self return and I don't need those and i d not need you. Go back inside, I'll let the Spirit deal with you and no longer give you situations to rear your ugly face. So long bad Robert. This is your end. I hope I kill you a little more everyday and I hope God forgives me for the thoughts, words and actions. You're warring with the Spirit. But I won't feed you, not any more. Goodbye.

It’s hidin’ in the dark, it’s teeth are razor sharp
There’s no escape for me, it wants my soul it wants my heart!
No one can hear me scream, maybe it’s just a dream
Maybe it’s inside of me! Stop this monster!

SKILLET-monster

Huh

Well, seems like everything has calmed down and turned to normal? I dunno. No real direct confirmation yet but I believe it is safe to assume as such. Welcome back sanity, old friend. I have missed you. Now there is one issue I suppose left but I am willing to deal with that later after I calm down a bit more (as every time i think about what this person said I get a bit angry) so we shall see what happens. The week is looking brighter. This makes me happy. Thank you Lord and i hope this is your will and everything goes well. If its not, please give me more patience to deal with whatever is up ahead.

Change

I have decided to quit being depressed and worried. To quit being lonely. I just allow in my self pity whenever I do. Now its time to change. I should do something to keep myself up, do what my purpose is to do: Worship God. I suppose I need to be less self involved in myself with being down all the time. I want to make a change, not letting people's actions and words get to me, to change some other parts of me too. It will take time but i suppose it will like everything else.

Peace? What Peace?

Seems like my mind is being plagued anymore. Saw someone tonight I hadn't seen in a long while, a girl I used to like. I say used to because despite my feelings, I never had a chance. Chasing a ghost. Mainly because she is interested in a good friend of mine. Honestly, and always despite my own feelings I'll move over in situation like these. Why stick around? She has an interest in him and I have known her longer and we spent more time together but despite that if she was interested I'd have hoped she would have tried to show me her feelings. I actually did tell her i had feelings and the way she responded led me to the conclusion I didn't have a shot, I got the hint. Yet here I am and I cannot help feeling something, despite never having a chance. It sucks. Seems looking at other people's relationships and such, I think about my own. And as I write this, she sends me a text because of a text I sent my friend which was taken wrong, and she replies with:

"I don't even know what to say to you right now"

Ouch. Yeah that sucked. Add in the blatant fact that I stand there and take some type of abuse from people. Usually undeserved violence form my friend she is interested in. I don't think people ever stop to think how their actions affect people. I mean hell, I stand aside, feeling for you as you are interested in my friend, give you brotherly advice and you go off on me like that? man, no wonder i have been depressed. I'll be glad when they get together, or don't get together maybe then things will be normal and we can just talk again because this is stupid. Oh well. Suppose that is what I get. Cause she seems to have forgotten of my feelings for her but if I had a chance I'd explain it. I had to get over you, you're interested in my friend and I never had a chance. man, sometimes life sucks. If I didn't have God, it'd be worse. I suppose I just have to keep climbing over mountains before God finally leads me to the one. Then none of it will matter anymore. i just wish I met her already.

Loneliness

I can't figure it out. Why I am so lonely. I suppose hearing from different people about their relationships have got me thinking. Where is my happy ending? My person? How long do I have to wait? I feel lonely, but I shouldn't. I dunno. I suppose with out noticing its been building up. It kind of released today when my mother and I got into it a bit. I had a small breakdown, well a bit bigger than one form years back. Sort of just flooded over, and it doesn't make sense why. It's so strange. I suppose even people like me who look calm have stuff that builds up. I dunno, I suppose i needed it, feeling sad and lonely, I can't help anyone. Once everything clears though, I feel it'll get better, not just for me but for everyone. Seems tension is just wound up high. Suppose we'll all just rest soon. Can we rest now? Can we rest now?

Save me, I'm lost
Oh Lord I've been waiting for you
I'll pay any cost
Save me from being confused
Show me what I'm looking for
Show me what I'm looking for
Oh Lord

CAROLINA LIAR-"SHOW ME WHAT I'M LOOKING FOR"

Look what I've done

I have a problem. The problem i have is, that I am not very disciplined and I am very lazy. I love to procrastinate because despite my tardiness I get things done and hey, get the grade i get. But now it has royally screwed me over. I was on probation at my school and now that I have been "academically dismissed" (a fancy way of saying I flunked out) I have been searching for a JC to attend. I found one but there have been issues left and right. I didn't take care of the the classes when I should have and coupled with the late receiving of my letter of of dismissal after I attempted to appeal it, I am in hot water.

Apparently I either needed to take an assessment test or transfer my transcripts over, in order to get into the classes. This I have not done. This is lame. Classes start this week. I am in crap. And its my fault. I feel weak, I feel powerless, I feel depressed even. The voices have gotten louder, wanting to compensate for the bad feelings i have with something that feels good, like drinking. See, I made a decision to not drink anymore (i did for a short time) as I am a biblical studies major and feel led to becoming a Youth Pastor. I desire to represent Christ, to serve Him, to do His will but I will talk about that later. Anyways, I decided to quit drinking and now the voices are taunting. Telling me I could drink once in a while, I could quit when I get ready to become a Pastor, everything will be fine. But it won't. The answers they give look so good and legit but they aren't. They are a trap set for me and its hard to resist at times. It sucks.

It sucks i have been led here. Ina place where I do not know where to go. It sucks but it is necessary. I have been in these areas before, these places. I hate it and it sucks but these things have to happen. I am human, I plan, I prepare but God is the one who pulls the reigns.

"Man plans, God laughs"

That's what I am needing to be reminded of. It is not my will, or my plans that work. Those plans only work if they are God's plans, His will. I am human, a broken, sinful human. I stand here and I feel my humanness. Its a helplessness, a need for God. I have free will, I do. I can make choices. But I do not like the ones that have led up to this. But in the end, the lesson I learn, the things that come against me like fire that refine me, they are necessary. And if it all is from God, and necessary then maybe this, in the end won't be so bad.

I want to do what God has for me in His will. I have been led here, possibly away form it. Punished for my sins. I don't know. It takes me so long to realize these things when they come full circle. In the end i learn. Now i need only apply it all. I have wants, desires but unless they are God's they just don't work. I haven't bee listening, I need apply more. Lose my stupid laziness because it is doing me no good. Then maybe some of these situations will stop.

"Trust me, I know what self-loathing is, but to kill myself? That would put a damper on my search for answers. Not at all productive."