Merry (late) Christmas

To all of you here on blogger! I know I am a few days late but honestly I want to wish all of you a very Merry Christmas and I hope every one of you were blessed and had a wonderful time with family, and loved ones.

Patience

The other day at church I was reminded of a lesson that I had been learning.: patience. I remember speaking to the Lord one weekend when I was depressed about how things were and the answer I got. I had wanted life to tae a change, to go back to school, to read my bible more and study verses better, to find that special someone. You know what the Lord’s answer was? Patience. That those things take time and patience. Which is true, honestly. These things take time and unfortunately I don’t have much patience.

It’s just my mind is against me often and it is frustrating. It keeps giving me negative thoughts like “it’ll be years before you graduate” or “you don’t have the money” and just other demeaning things. But God has a plan and is faithful and just…I don’t know. I trust Him, and believe I’ll be led to where I need to go, that He’ll provide for me. Of course, I have my own part to do, such as stop being so freaking lazy and putting things off until the last minute.

I have to change myself. Honestly, at one point this year I actually liked the person I was becoming but now after so many different things that have happened, I don’t like myself very much. I got lazy again, and I think its one of my many coping mechanisms with stress and things I cannot control. But I am trying to get better to make my coping mechanism the only one I need, going to God. I have to let go of my fears and the constant negative thoughts of my failure.

I realized that attending my school was quite a gift, one that I let slip through my fingers. I was blessed, and like with most things, I didn’t realize it until it was gone. Honestly now I don’t know whether or not its my will or God’s that I return to my school or not. Honestly I want to try and see what happens and I pray that if it isn’t God’s will, to let that door close on me and lead me elsewhere. Because I could finish my degree online but if I can go back to school…well then I’d really love to. Hindsight’s 20/20 huh?

I imagine my thoughts are like what the children of Israel must have thought (okay that may be stretching it a bit) with that fact I realize too late that my murmuring, and irresponsibility is keeping me from Gods blessings. When they were denied access to the promised land, Israel suddenly realized that “they done goofed” and that they wanted it bad enough to do anything to get it once it was taken. Granted, Israel did in time receive the blessing of the promised land and honestly, I may return to school, I may not but God is in control and he has a will for my life. It may not be what I want but if it’s what God has given me then it is what I NEED.

The most important thing is to remind myself why I am doing what I am doing. It is for God’s glory and HIS will and not for my own. I have to remember to die to myself and my will. I am lessened so that He may be uplifted higher than myself. I am a slave to righteousness and Christ.

"Do you know that nothing you do in this life will ever matter, unless it is about loving God and loving the people He has made."
-Francis Chan

Another day, Another Migraine

Another day of yelling and loud voices. I can't take this anymore, it's getting to be too much. I don't want to live here anymore. I wanna leave and just be happy. But I can't, not in this house. Not when everyday I have to wake up to this. Always the same thing, loud voices of regret, of wanting to "not be here anymore", of blaming people for what they've done. It's always the same and I am sick and tired of it. No wonder I am messed up about love. There's none in this house, this can't be love. I refuse to believe it and I refuse to be like them.

I've already made it clear I intend to be nothing like them when I am a parent. I won't yell in front of my kids, I won't belittle my wife, I won't talk of regrets and "what-if's" and the sort. I want them to be happy at home. Because home is supposed to be a safe place but if its some place you get no peace then what? This place isn't healthy mentally or emotionally.

I know i know. if you want things to change and be different then get up and do something. Well that's my plan. i have to change myself first. I'm going to start working harder and get to being an adult and just praying and hoping God will show me the way. I dunno, it's just too much sometimes you know? I don't know. Some worship music and some prayer will do me some good right now.

An Annoyance

So my brother walks into my room and proceeds to bombard me with a whole bunch of "what if's..." Like what would have happened if my mother had gotten a better lawyer years ago after my Dad got sick or what would have happened if they rented out their old house. See, I hear this all the time and while mildly annoying, its not what I had a problem with. No, what I had a problem with was my brother brushing off the fact that my mother would never had to have watched foster children and thus I would never have been here, adopted.

You see they do this. They don't think before they speak. WHen my mother is upset with my dad and their arguing she says things like "I'm sorry you have to be in this home, I should have let you go on to a better home." Really? Seriously? There is no guarantee I would have gone to a "better home" or if I would have ended up just being bounced around the system. Heck I could be in jail, doing drugs or worse dead right now, and even worst than that I could have ended up not knowing Christ!

It hurts and infuriates me when they say this and honestly the next time they bring it up I am just going to let them have it about how I feel because I am sick and tired of this. PLus, honestly, looking back and wishing and complaining bout how things are is stupid. What good will any of that do? Just makes you depressed and wishful but none of that is any good. Just bothers me they always do this. Why can't they be happy with what they have? I mean sure, it's not wrong to want more, or to change things but to constantly talk about it and do nothing is just ridiculous. I don't know. Just me ranting I guess.

Christmas Lights

So yeah it's finally happening. Those dreaded feeling are being dragged up as the fall season goes on and winter fast approaches. Ha ha ha I should have known it was inevitable as the thoughts creep up about, well, cuddling. I have no idea why but I associate winter with romance for some reason. I'm pretty sure it has to do with when I had a gf in high school one time and just, the feeling of giving her a gift and listening to blink 182 (I know I'm sappy) and just spending time together.

And just...how it's cold and you keep each other cold by cuddling up close and I don't know i just want that warmth and closeness. The feeling of romance and just yeah. I know there is God and nothing honestly compares to the feeling of closeness to Him but i do like feeling another person to next to me too. Ha ha I guess I am just a hopeless romantic. So I think I'll stick with pillow cuddling for now but I at least have books to keep me company and I think I will be buying new tea this month to enjoy during the cold days and nights so I suppose not all is so bad. :)

The Greatest Command

"The best things in life are gift from the One who steadfastly loves us. But an important question to ask ourselves is this: Are we in love with God o just His stuff?" -Francis Chan "Crazy Love"

This was a quote from Francis Chan's book crazy love that I am reading currently. This one took me for a loop. I mean I don't know honestly how to answer that. When it comes to God what am I in love with? Do I strive for only salvation form torment? Part of me says yes but then there is another part. It cries out, pulls at my heart, at the core of my being that I want to be close to my creator, my savior. There's a part of me that wants to scream "Yes! I love my God!" But it's so hard.

I mean, I am still trying to figure out this whole love thing. I don't exactly have many things which scream out "THIS IS LOVE" or anything like that other than what the Word tells me about God being love. But I try and imagine it like this:

Imagine God is one of your friends in school, or form church or work. Now when you go over to God's house and see Him in all of splendor and glory and you keep going over there, you have to ask yourself why. "Why do I keep coming over?" Is it because he has a cool flat screen, or the latest games? Or is it because of something on the inside about Him? Could be he is a wonderful host, never boring, always there for you or has something to say? That there is something about His personality that draws you to Him?

That's how I broke it down. Why? Because I imagined God as one of my friends, who are some of the most important to me. It made me realize, I love Him because of what He is about not because of His gifts and things. Those are just things that come with being friends with Him, but they're not the reason for loving Him. i could say it's the peace He gives me, how happy I am and yet that still isn't enough to say, there's more and I feel i don't quite have that answer yet but it's there. Somewhere.

Sick and Tired

I am so sick and tired of you taking out your emotions on other people. So you don't feel good, you're tired and you apparently want to be left alone because "too many people depend on you", well then go lie down and calm yourself. All i did was ask you what was wrong. You had no right to take it out on me. Whatever, I am growing sick and tired of you playing the victim. If you need help, ask for it! Don't assume we're going to know what it is you want. Just tell us. How hard is that. But that wouldn't help your tyrant rule would it? I am just so tired of you. Forget it. I don't care anymore.

If only they'd look closer

The theme of this weekend seems to be people assuming they know me. For instance my older sister seems to believe she knows the reasoning behind certain things about me. Why i do not have a job, why I do not have my license and why I am not doing well in school. Her main theory being my mother simply hasn't pushed me enough, or helped me strive to better myself. Then there is my dad, who when he and my get into fights, thinks I am simply siding with my mother because of all the things she has done for me (i.e. buy me things). He claims I discriminate against him due to this.

A little background here. My dad is sick. He many years ago had to have an emergency brain operation due to a blood clot in his brain and afterwards it left him paralyzed. So my dad was there but we never did things together like father and son do. My sister is significantly older (as is all my siblings as I am adopted) and she was already married when I came along (though since then she has divorced and remarried) so she never really spent time with me. Neither of them really do at all. I mean my dad can't so it's understandable and all but my sister never got to know me for me.

Both of them have this belief of a certain aspect and part of me but neither of them have gone to actually asked me why. Why I do not have a job, why i do not have a car and such. They don't know the real me and honestly its annoying they make these claims about me. I have my reasons for a lot of things and the fact they have no respect but to assume things about me instead of asking is hurtful. All I can do is pray for peace in m soul and to tame my tongue and watch what I say. It's a real mess and I hope it solved soon because it is causing nothing but trouble.

I think the worst part of it all is both of them in their own way blame my mother for something. Neither of them know what she has to go through, what pain she has to feel, and the responsibilities she has.

Cuddle weather

The weather has decided to take a turn for the cold (FINALLY!!) and it caught me off guard. Had to dig a bit for my sweatshirt but I found it yes!! But also I must restock on tea as this weather is perfect for my late night/early morning tea drinking. But this weather also makes me wish I had someone to cuddle with! Alas I do not as I am still very much single and inviting anyone to cuddle with me is a strange request indeed. So I take it in stride and hug my pillow or just wear more layers to bed.

Which strangely I end up taking off apparently as I woke up in just the shirt I slept in and not the extra pajama one i was wearing. I don't remember taking it off. How strange. Hopefully this is one time event as I do not wish for the cold to kill me. But yes wonderful tea drinking weather and cuddling weather ahead! Hopefully I encounter one of those strange days where it was only 4 in the afternoon and I could see my breath outside. WHich to me is strange for California weather but it was kind of exciting! A rare day indeed.

I also am looking forward to Christmas. Not because of gifts or anything but because of the family time, the warmth it brings in a sort of comfort and such you know? I dunno I'll write more later on it. Anyway have a nice weekend everyone! Peace and blessings!

Halloween

I completely forgot to post about halloween or really how my month of october went so here it is! Sadly, I didn't end up doing anything for Halloween this year but stay in and go on a sugar binge sadly. The month really wasn't that exciting minus a few exceptions which escape me at the moment. Curse you memory. But yes it was still a good month and i look forward to the last of this year since fall/winter is one of my favorites. And besides there is always next year for Halloween and I have some definite epic ideas for next year! :D

...but the greatest of these is love

For some time now I have always been trying to figure out what love was and is. I could never put it into words or give it a proper definition and whenever I asked someone about what love was I always got a different response. But I suppose in some way I am learning. I think about what I always thought love was. A strong feeling, maybe some actions you reserve only for a special person thrown in and just an eventual agreement of getting married. But there is more to it than that.

Honestly I am still figuring it out but I can say at least one thing: God is love. That's what love is supposed to be. Even then I can't put it into words but when it comes to God something in me just says give it all and love Him. Just...let it go. It talks about love in the Bible and God is all those things! I mean we read it so many different times but when we say "I love you" to someone it's just so important. I think we forgot what those words mean.

It means so much more than "i feel this strong emotion for you", it means I am willing to be patient, I am willing to forgive, I am willing to open myself up and hope you don't hurt me. It means...it means...I don't know! It just can't be fathomed and its something so great and wonderful. And people never stop to realize how much hurt really goes into a persons heart when they hurt other people who they're supposed to love. I mean when they hurt you, it never feels good does it? Yet we can hurt them and not even bat an eyelash. It makes no sense!

But that is love I suppose. I'm slowly learning what love is and unlearning what the world taught about love. Someday I'll figure it out and when I do I'll share it with all of you!

Sorrow is no longer the island but the sea

Since last weekend, about a full week now, the voices have been so friggin loud. I should explain actually what caused this. Last weekend I got to spend time with three of my good friends as we took and adventure to disneyland. Unfortunately we couldn't get in and thus were confined to Disney's California Adventure which, is okay but not as exciting. During the course of the day comments were made.

These comments were focused basically on two facts. One, I do not have a job, and two, I do not have my license yet. Such comments were made as "he says he's looking for a job, but I doubt it." and "I'd be embarrassed if I had to hand my ID for something and it was a California ID and not a driver's license at your age." For starters yes, I do not have my license and I am 22. I never felt the need for a license because, as I was younger, I never felt the need for freedom until more so recent years with things that happen here at my home. There are other people who are older who do not have a license I know and yes that is no excuse I am just slow oging about these things. It happens.

It happens, but I certainly did not need these comments. As such, I've been depressed this week. Been feeling like all the answers I had are nothing but crap. That the assurance of "everything will be find eventually, just gotta give it time", doesn't mean anything anymore. It sucks and I don't like it. To make last weekend worst, my computer decided to go and take a vacation from working. That was frustrating as I needed to vent and cool off and I couldn't even do that because of an error in the program or something. So I had to reinstall my OS. That i backed up on my external. In March. Yeah, i was not pleased by this. "Three things in life are certain, death, taxes and loss of data. Guess which one just happened?" Yep. That about sums it up.

But yes I felt horrible this week. And it seems that every thought was about how I have done nothing with my life, how I am scared of what comes next and just everything like that! Its all just been building up and just...crap. It sucks. I never much cared for depression unlike how apparently it loves me. I know it'll get better and God will lead me back onto the right track. I just hate how the world goes on and on and I just seem to drift. I don't like it very much. I'm not happy despite my own happiness being up to myself and no one else and that the world doesn't stop for anyone.

God, I just wish things were better and I wish I had that closeness to God but it just seems He is so far right now. I kind of went off on God and snapped at him and just said things. Things i should never had said and I know they hurt, I mean it hurt me to say them. But I was so angry and frustrated and that is no excuse i know. Maybe it was just to show me I don't have it all down, that I need some work, and i have rough edges. I don't know. Just got a lot of crap to figure out. Really wish this was a lighter happier post. It is my 200 so I was hoping for something cooler but eh, what are you going to do?

Why hello there rain

Ah the rain has finally decided to grace itself upon us. I am happy of this, as yesterday wasn't much of a good day. But today has been nothing but good. Slept well, had some tea. listened to the rain outside and my good friend Crystal called me today! I was so happy to hear form her! And best yet she may be coming back to california to live here again! I've missed her a lot and will be happy to see her again. I hope this day goes on being good despite the fact that I did want to take a trip to the dollar tree to take a look at halloween stuff but eh the rain is a pleasantry as well.

Halloween time is near

And i am broke! gah! I hate being broke around Halloween time! I want my room to look awesome for it but man I am broke. I was going to use my money I get each month for it but this month of September took me for a ride and with it my money. Dang it. It sucks because just as I am broke they come out with some pretty awesome things! I could use the money I am going to get in october but I really wanna go to Knott's scary farm so that is about 50 dollars gone! Gah! Lame. So I guess we'll see but it is severely frustrating to not be able to do anything. Bleh

Just a glimpse

Last week on Sunday on my adventure to the CVS near my house I got a wonderful surprise when I stepped outside. The way the sun sat, the temperature and all the nice small breeze all came together and gave me a glimpse into what I like to call, "The October Country". There is just a feeling that October carries with itself that I love, the feeling of the changing of the seasons, the leaves raining down, the nice cool evening, the sunsets and so much more that I can;t even begin to convey with words.

The inspiration for calling it that comes from a book that bears the name by Ray Bradbury that I can't remember how many times I have read. In the book he gives the perfect description of what October feels like (I'll post this at the end) and so Sunday just had me in such a great mood in the evening time and combined with music made for a great end to the day. Then this past Friday (the 23rd) marked the first day of Fall and once that day had come and gone the weather took a dramatic but welcomed turn. The weather now bears more chilly mornings, cool, evening with a nice breeze and wonderful nights. I have to think I prefer fall and winter as my favorite seasons.

I look forward to this fall and what it holds, especially for the coming rains and wonderful night filled with tea and books. Oh the books.

...the country where it is always turning late in the year. That country where the hills are fog and the rivers are mist; where noons go quickly, dusks and twilights linger, and midnights stay. That country composed in the main of cellars, sub-cellars coal-bins, closets, attics and pantries faced away from the sun. That country whose people are autumn people, thinking only autumn thoughts. Whose people passing at night on the empty walks sound like rain...

Peace to you

"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world. " John 16:33

My dear friend Kellen posted this as her status on facebook the other day and i cannot describe the encouragement it gave me. Life has been a up and down roller coaster right now for me but I am happy there is still encouragement the lord is sending me. :)

An Answer to Absolution

I wrote a few weeks back a note called Absolution. I was in a state when something from my past was brought up and thrown at me and it just brought back a lot of crap. It reminded me of every mistake, every stupid choice, wrong move and evil I've done. It brought back the voices and ghosts I've tried so hard to forget and kill. Then after that, at church, a fellow sister took form me my notebook I write my thoughts and what I hear in church in and wrote something in it. This is what she wrote in it:

Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.

Romans 8:1

I was surprised to say the least that she had suddenly wrote this to me, out of the blue. I started thinking about it and was trying to follow the pastor's message as well but what I came to was this: Peace abounds, I'm forgiven and the Lord has forgiven me. Despite people remembering my short comings, my mistakes and bad actions, God has forgiven me for those and doesn't hold them against me. I'm free from those. I often have a hard time forgiving myself for the things I have done but God has forgiven me and that gives me peace. I understand now people aren't always going to forget though they may forgive. I guess that is something we'll have to live with but it is honestly better than the alternative.

Problems

I'm so sick and tired of there never being any peace in this house. It's just plain stupid and this isn't how adults should act. I woke up Sunday to the wonderful sound of my parents yelling again and i instantly wanted to crawl back into bed and just sleep. It's always the same thing, my mom says something, my dad responds, then she gets angry and says more things and then he starts his crap and it just becomes a jumbled up mess. I cannot understand how my dad always walks into these things. Sure, my mom starts it but come on dad you don't have to respond to her when she is like that. If he'd keep his mouth shut he'd lose his head a lot less.

And it's always the same thing over and over, talks about past mistakes and regrets of getting married and everything. It get's old really quick when i hear their arguments over and over again. I've already come to terms that I won't be anything like them when I get married and I certainly won't be a husband like my father. What's worse is one or both of them always plys the victim during these arguments.

My dad goes on and on about how only God is his judge for what he has done, my mother talking about how we take her for granted and when she is gone we'll see how everything falls apart and other lovely and wonderful stuff like that. It's just so...i don't even have a word to describe it other than saying it majorly sucks! So yeah this is the fun I live with. A world full of angry voices and people trying to one up each other by saying the worst things they could possibly say to one another. Oh the joy of it all.

Honestly Honest

The way I write is rather interesting. I don't really write with the intent in mind of someone seeing my writing, so much as I write to empty my thoughts and get them in order so I can better understand them. I write as if no one will ever read them, for fear that I'll add something or leave something and lose the point of my writing. So what you see here is truth, all of it. This is me.

Good days have found us

I often talk about the voices inside my head. For starters no I am not crazy, this is what i call my thoughts that more often than not plague me. But now recently I have noticed something about my thoughts/voices. they're calmer, they're happy. It's not a loud drum of confusion or self pity or depression but voices of praise and happiness. I'm happy, I am honestly happy and it feels wonderful. I'm blessed and i never realized it. It's gone, all my weight, insecurities (okay most of them), and just...I'm at peace. but i can't ever forget this is a gift from God and i have a mission. Die to myself and live completely and wholly for Christ.

Absolution

Will I never be free of the mistakes I have made? Will I always be reminded, of what I have done? There are a range of things that people know i have done, my not so proud moments you know? I know we all have them and what's worse is that there are people who remember them and the worst part is they can bring it up whenever they feel like it, which is usually at the most worst times. I just have to ask, "Why?" Why can't the past just stayed buried? Do I have to keep reliving all of it just so I don;t forget my own stupidity? I know what I have done and I am the one who has to live with it everyday so why is it so many people must know and remember? Why do I have to keep suffering for what I did when I have learned my lesson? What's more, why did they have to bring it up?

I've got some imperfections
But how can you collect them all
And throw them in my face?

-Staind "Right Here"

Life after death...and taxes

Then Jesus said to his disciples, "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me." Matthew 16:24

That was Jesus' own words to his disciples, to carry their cross and die to themselves for the Lord's will. Yet the image today is more of the mini comic above. We're carrying our cross but can't quite carry the load, or rather we're not wanting to. Because we do just enough to get into heaven right? How much is that? How much of yourself have you died to? How much of your own will remains? Sure, the cross is salvation, it is love but its something else: death.

It is where Christ died and took sin and defeated it, all for love and the Father's will. Even Christ was like "Hey Dad, if there is anyway we could go about doing this another way, I'd like that but regardless I am here to do your Will and not mine." There's the kicker. I don't think we ever really take into consideration the things we pray or read in the word. In fact, that verse from Matthew is one of my favorite verses and I remember reading it and how powerful it was and how much it changed me. And here it is years later, changing me again, because I forgot. I forgot what it truly meant.

I forgot about dying to myself, which surprisingly is a theme which has followed me for years, and I forgot what it meant to follow God. It is not for me, but for God that I live, that I obey His will. You always hear the term "sold out for Christ", well let me tell you Christ was sold out for God 100%. Despite knowing and seeing what was coming He still said "Let your Will be done." Now, can you say that, 100%? I suppose that's what faith is all about. It's going forward with nothing but God's will in mind. Is that truly what it is to die to myself?

I think, to sum it up, it's all or nothing. Isn't it? So which is it for you? All, or nothing?

Dying Alone

I always would see people posting things like status updates, or notes/blogs posts or even pictures with quotes about dying and how everyone dies and alone and I would always think of how depressing that was. I assumed they meant that no one would come see them in their last moments and they'd simply lie in a hospital bed or somewhere and just...die. No one with them to say good bye, no family to kiss, no loved ones to smile at as you pass, you're just alone.

But I realized what they did really mean. Its not that you're going to be passing out of this world and into the next alone in a room or something somewhere but that as you make that journey, you make it alone. Its like walking out of one room and into another (for the sake of argument imagine this) and suddenly you're in a new and different room and everyone is still in the other one. You made the trip alone to arrive at your destination.

Ghosts

What is it about night time that drags up past memories? The memories I would prefer not to remember than anything and yet there they are. They all attack me, coming in waves and leaving a bitter taste in my mouth. Usually its a memory or something I though might have happened in the future between an ex and I and it just becomes something I bang my head against the wall to. I mean they're all (as far as I know) happy and carrying on with their own lives so why do they have to still plague my brain? This is me assuming of I don't pass through their minds but yeah. I dunno. It just sucks and makes for a stupid night. Bleh.

The time

When God made time he made enough of it-Celtic saying

How often have I found myself saying "oh if only I had more time" or "I did n't have enough time for this."? So many times I can remember saying that about a paper, a phone call i need to make or a form to fill out and being completely frustrated at myself. Yet it happens more than I care to admit in fact and each time I am simply in all at my own stupidity and lack of motivation at times. So now I address another area of lack of motivation and time management.

How often have I, taken God and said "I just don't have time for you" and put him on a shelf? how long have i taken the gift of His son and said "I can mess with this later"? Too many times. But then I read a poem I found and there were parts that struck a chord. COnsider these verses from the poem:

All day long I had no time To spread a word of cheer. No time to speak of Christ to friends, They’d laugh at me I’d fear.

and

No time to give to souls in need But at last the time, the time to die. I went before the Lord, I came, I stood with downcast eyes. For in his hands God held a book; It was the book of life. God looked into his book and said ‘Your name I cannot find. I once was going to write it down… But never found the time’

The time we have, its enough. All I have ever heard about living is plan like you'll live forever and live like you'll die tomorrow. In some ways this can be a selfish way of thinking since I could live anyway I want to and its all for the sake of living like you'll die the next day but mine is different. it's living for Christ as if you'll die tomorrow. Tomorrow is never guarantee'd. I can die now as I am writing this or 50 years from now or anywhere in between. What will you do with the time? What are you living for with that time? Are you living for God or for yourself?

I think of all that I have done or rather the lack thereof. The times I was afraid or passed up an opportunity to do something, say something to someone about God. I feel ashamed because right now despite the life i live I feel as if i've done nothing for God. Done nothing for His kingdom that is at hand. I want to tell people, I want to scream it form the roof tops and yet I have not. But i want to. I want to. All i can do is be mindful of what I say and do and the time I use as well. Tic tok the clock is ticking and the sand is running out.

How to be alone...

If you are at first lonely, be patient. If you’ve not been alone much, or if when you were, you weren’t okay with it, then just wait. You’ll find it’s fine to be alone once you’re embracing it. We could start with the acceptable places, the bathroom, the coffee shop, and the library. Where you can stall and read the paper, where you can get your caffeine fix and sit and stay there. Where you can browse the stacks and smell the books. You’re not supposed to talk much anyway so it’s safe there.

There’s also the gym. If you’re shy you could hang out with yourself in mirrors, you could put headphones in (guitar stroke). And there’s public transportation, because we all gotta go places. And there’s prayer and meditation. No one will think less if you’re hanging with your breath seeking peace and salvation. Start simple. Things you may have previously based on your avoid being alone principals.

The lunch counter. Where you will be surrounded by chow-downers. Employees who only have an hour and their spouses work across town and so they — like you — will be alone. Resist the urge to hang out with your cell phone. When you are comfortable with eat lunch and run, take yourself out for dinner, a restaurant with linen and silverware. You’re no less intriguing a person when you’re eating solo dessert to cleaning the whipped cream from the dish with your finger. In fact some people at full tables will wish they were where you were.

Go to the movies. Where it is dark and soothing, alone in your seat amidst a fleeting community. And then, take yourself out dancing to a club where no one knows you. Stand on the outside of the floor till the lights convince you more and more and the music shows you. Dance like no one’s watching…because, they’re probably not. And, if they are, assume it is with best of human intentions. The way bodies move genuinely to beats is, after all, gorgeous and affecting. Dance until you’re sweating, and beads of perspiration remind you of life’s best things, down your back like a brook of blessings.

Go to the woods alone, and the trees and squirrels will watch for you. Go to an unfamiliar city, roam the streets, there’re always statues to talk to and benches made for sitting give strangers a shared existence if only for a minute and these moments can be so uplifting and the conversations you get in by sitting alone on benches might’ve never happened had you not been there by yourself. Society is afraid of alonedom, like lonely hearts are wasting away in basements, like people must have problems if, after a while, nobody is dating them. But lonely is a freedom that breaths easy and weightless and lonely is healing if you make it.

You could stand, swathed by groups and mobs or hold hands with your partner, look both further and farther for the endless quest for company. But no one’s in your head and by the time you translate your thoughts, some essence of them may be lost or perhaps it is just kept. Perhaps in the interest of loving oneself, perhaps all those sappy slogans from preschool over to high school’s groaning were tokens for holding the lonely at bay. Cuz if you’re happy in your head than solitude is blessed and alone is okay. It’s okay if no one believes like you.

All experience is unique, no one has the same synapses, can’t think like you, for this be relieved, keeps things interesting life’s magic things in reach. And it doesn’t mean you’re not connected, that community’s not present, just take the perspective you get from being one person in one head and feel the effects of it. Take silence and respect it. if you have an art that needs a practice, stop neglecting it. If your family doesn’t get you, or religious sect is not meant for you, don’t obsess about it. You could be in an instant surrounded if you needed it. If your heart is bleeding make the best of it there is heat in freezing, be a testament.

Tanya Davis- How to Be Alone

When you say things like that

It reminds me why I don't share anything in my life with you people.

Yep this is the thoughts going through my head as I think of what my mom told me just now. That if I get arrested that I can just stay there because she won't help me. Me. The person who has never been in any trouble. Ever. I've really done nothing wrong but when I want to hang out with people she just happens to not like because they didn't go to my Christian high school or University, they must be bad people. Yeah thanks for having my back everyone. I guess that's what's family is for. I haven't given anyone a reason not to trust me or my friends. I mean hell one of my former friends that my parents loved from my Christian high school did things that would make them go wide eyed. And yet I don't say anything and just walk away. Worst case is to make my mother angrier. Just goes to show there isn't much equality when it comes to between my brothers and I. Oh well. Such is life.

No Sympathy

For those who are fools. For those who know better and do not listen, refuse to, who go blindly searching for something that leads to ruin. I hold no sympathy for you, especially when you come tot he end of your own stupidity. And thats the worst feeling. In the end, you have no one to blame but yourself.

The Ramblings of a Hopeless Romantic

So I've been in a strange mood these last few nights. Right before I go to bed I suddenly have the urge to listen to my Ipod. This would be fine if it wasn't romantic songs I'd end up listening to and would drift off to sleep with that. But you know what? It hasn't been all that bad. in fact things have been better than usual, at least to me anyways. I've come to terms with my feelings for a friend. I always asked why she couldn't see me as a possible guy to like and you know what? I am fine with it. I came to understand that maybe she just needs a friend. Whether something happens or not well that's up to God. Right now we're friends and I should be happy with that.

I mean sure it sucks, I have these feelings but I should be happy where we're at now. I also came to terms with some other feelings for a friend too. I had always had her in my mind as "the one" as in that person I could actually see marrying someday but honestly that was just keeping me in a place where any male friend of hers was a threat and that's silly. She isn't mine, like an object to keep and hide, she is my friend. Not someone on a back burner you know? She is a dear friend, like a sister and I can say I honestly love her like one after all of these years and I hope I can keep her as a friend forever you know? One of those friends you'd hate to lose.

I'm surprised at myself honestly. That I am taking this so well and that I am just not in a deep depression or anything like that. Okay sure I got a few love songs playing on my speakers but still I am honestly not depressed about it. I think its because I just want to be a good friend you know? I mean yes it'll take time to move on from these feelings but hey I got time. Maybe this is growing up?

With Arms Wide Open

I think I got it now. Yeah I do. I don't believe I can be loved. I have to live everyday with the memories, the scars, the knowledge of hat i have done. All of the things i've done, said, thought, all of it. Every single bit and the voices inside remind me. Everyday, every night, and just whenever the opportunity arises. I know what I have done and if people, friends, family, if they ever knew they'd stop loving me too.

That's where the rest comes in. My constant thought of people knowing, leaving me and being alone. Which is why I don't believe anyone can love me and so the ever looming fear of being left alone. I cannot, do not love myself and I believe that no one can love me. Finish it off that...i mean. How can God love me? I know he does. He does! but...I've just done such evil. God has forgiven me but how can I forgive myself? Do I just bury it all inside? Do I dare address it all? Confess to so many people I have hurt? Why? Why does it have to be difficult this way?

Pomp and Circumstance

I had the greatest honor this weekend to attend the graduation of my friends at Biola University. I cannot describe the range of emotions inside of me at this point. I am filled with unbelievable happiness at seeing my friends walk to receive their diplomas, after so many years of hard work, late nights and losing so much sleep. I am so proud of them and at the same time I feel sadness. Not sad that i could not have been graduating with them but sad that I am realizing we're all growing up, getting older and closer to be regular people in society. Going off to internships, jobs, moving into apartments and renting houses.

It just seems so sudden but its beginning to settle in that we're just not kids anymore. Now its that we're adults and are planning out our lives and futures. I know there will come a day that we'll all be separated, and won't be able to see each other as much as I wish we could but I know also that this is necessary for our growth. I know I won't get to see them as much as I wish I could but I hope they all know how much I love them and how much they mean to me and the affect they've had on me. I want to wish you all the best and so many congratulations. I love every single one of you and hope and pray for nothing but the best. :)

Love is Here

"Why are you looking for love as if I'm not enough?"

I read that line on a Christian tumblr while exploring and my first thought was "Oh no." Why? Because it was as if God was asking me himself. Asking for me to explain the deepest darkest fears and parts of me to Him. To admit, to say, I've been hurt. The disappointments, the hurt, the pain of words said and the words unsaid. I have to admit there are moment sin my life where those I love have hurt me so badly emotionally, that...there's just scars. I mean I always ask the question "how can people, who claim to love each other and one another, act this way?" It doesn't make sense to me. Do I have high expectations of the love for family and friends that's supposed to be there?

I think its because I believe that when people profess God, they should try, no they should love like God. Forgive and forget and live life. Life is too short for fights, for anger and being mad and losing friends. But people sadly aren't like that. Angry words are spoken. Hurtful things are said and done and it leaves scars. I try and find someone to take that pain away or to help make it leave for a while. But even then I remind myself to give it all to God. That he is the one there that love's me, cares for me even when I'm ignoring him.

I imagine it as god is standing there as i look to the horizon for something or someone to catch my attention and make me happy for a short while, or make my heart strings flutter. All the while God stands in the background patiently waiting for me, each and every time for me to just give all that I am to him. God has always been there for us, we just don't notice Him. This isn't like other blog entries where I come to a conclusion or something but rather this is something i already know and I have to work on. Maybe I am hurt because so many have hurt me, maybe I am just carrying around these scars on my heart. Whatever it is I need to, and will with time give it all to God. And a daily reminder that in no one or anything can I find the love that God has.

Thank you, Mr. Lewis

Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis

The other day i was browsing through tumblr's (yes I have a tumblr and no i do not actually use it for any other means other than collecting pictures) and came across one that was dedicated to C.S. Lewis. Curious I clicked and went through and found something simply amazing. It was quotes upon quotes upon quotes by Lewis. Reading each one drew something up inside me. It was as if my heart had grown old and withered but this revitalized it, bringing it back to life and beating again. As if new blood was poured inside and I could feel it. I felt alive again. i felt anew like I was re-awoken form a bad dream.

Recently God has been teaching

me about patience. I want to go back to my original college but i have to take classes and wait. I want to read the word more and get closer to God but i have to take baby steps and wait. I want to find that woman in my life who I will marry, and love but i have to grow up and love God first and I have to wait. It takes time and baby steps and it doesn't happen all at once. I dislike that of course. I live in a culture where everything is now, now now! There is never any waiting, any struggling any working for it anymore. But now i have to learn all of this right now. That's how lessons work with God. It's like being a child and your Father is teaching you. teaching you things you eventually will say to "that was so easy how did I not get that before?!"

That's life though. And its like that because God decided I was to be His son. So why do i expect anything else? Anything else bu

t God's will. Other thoughts have been floating in my head too. I think I'd like to change how I look. Not plastic surgery, of course but the way I dress. I know many might say its not me being honest or true to myself but isn't it? I mean is the way I dress now any mush of a truth? I look intimidating at times but is that me? No, its not. I've gone and tried going out without my necklaces, my rings and bracelets in another color than black and you know what? it wasn't so bad. I keep thinking "what if I meet someone who dresses the same way but I can't relate to them because I'm not dressed the same?" So what if i'm not? How hard is it to connect to a person through something other than clothing?

I suppose this is me growing

up. I remember some of what my friend Mary Ann wrote once. She wrote a blog that had spoken of how she felt a change in her, in who she was becoming. I also sympathize with the lyrics to "wake me up when september ends" by Green Day. I don't know it just seems life every day is shaping who we are to become. And you can go with the flow or fight the current. Many might say that i'm betraying myself or who i am by going with the current, that I should fight against it to continue being myself but we change. That's the whole thing with life. We change and we learn. I've changed and its taken time. But I have to thank Mr. Lewis for his contribution. even if he may never know it. It helped. And most of all I have to thank God.

There are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind.-C.S. Lewis

You can't Always Get What you Want

No matter what. Sometimes it just doesn't turn out that way. No matter how many times you stomp your feet, shake your fist at the heavens, say how much you deserve something or someone and say it isn't fair. It just doesn't. It happens and you want to know something? It sucks and there's no way else to put it. The only consolation? In time, you might find, you get what you need.

A slight mix of randomness

To die would be an awfully big adventure. For which is it? We are leaving and yet arriving? Into that great mystery as the veil of life no longer shadows our eyes and a lot of greater mysteries are answered. For in your final moments you shall lay wide eyed and smile knowingly, saying to yourself "Why yes. I suppose that answer does make the most sense." And that children is when you will realize the meaning of life.

This little bit was provided to you by copious amounts of tea and my good friend Josh sending me a single text saying: "Death is but one more great adventure." THis then took me to two places. One is Peter Pan where I always heard a line saying "to die would be an awfully big adventure". This is form the live Peter Pan movie from back in 2003. The it took em to a random thought I had where I thought up of the irony of how when people die, in their last moments, they figure out the meaning of life. The Bible Verse is when I figured out what the meaning of life is. Giving it all to God because if God is supposed to be your life then that makes Him the meaning of life. All life.

Matthew 22: 37-40 :³⁷ Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’^{[c] 38} This is the first and greatest commandment. ³⁹ And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ ⁴⁰ All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.”

A small thought

I came up with an interesting question in my head that perplexes me. When it comes to a relationship, how much do you tell the other person of your experiences in relationships before them? I mean is a ground rule set down not to talk about it? If you do talk about it what should you say and what should you leave out? If you leave it out and you betraying your boyfriend or girlfriends trust? Are you not being fully honest? Do I have to tell the time I was suspended from school for making out with a girl under a table? Is that mandatory? How about admitting that I am still friends with a few of the girls I was crazy about? I am unsure how much should be let known and what shouldn't? Is it deal with it as it comes or all at once? What would you say, or do? My friends who I asked actually had a conversation with a young woman about this very thing.

"I was talking to my friend about this very idea, and she said that men should not bring up the idea of past relationships. girls view that as you still have feelings for them. if they ask tell them, but don't reminisce without them asking."

I think it also has a lot to do with how long the relationship has been going on for. I think that the longer it is the more you are both able to discuss things. I don't know sounds about right but as i learn more I'll definitely post. Just some food for thought.

SUIT UP!

It's been several weeks since i have written anything. I don't know why, just seems like i get inspire but then when it comes down to it I just don't have any motivation to write. It sucks since i love writing here so much because it is freeing. Well alright enough about that, this piece is a little different. Usually I wouldn't be blasting this out there but might as well. I am writing this to you as a different man, a man who no longer is twenty one but now I am officially twenty two!

YEP! That's right my birthday past on the 7th and i am now 22. I was dealing for a while with the fact I had a birthday coming, and that I was going to be 22, because once you get to 21 what other age is there really to look forward to? But I went into it with stride and it was a really fun day and a great birthday celebration just hanging with family that day and thats all I really wanted was time with my family. The comes my good buddy Jeremy who decides he is going to come up with an amazing idea and have he and i suit up.

Now for those of you who do not know How I Met Your Mother is one of my favorite shows and my friends favorite shows. We will quote it and make reference to episodes, scenarios, etc. Well he came up with a night of living out one character's adventures of Barney Stinson. He had begun with buying me a copy of the bro code, a book containing all of the rules and laws for bro's. We continued on to claim jumper which we suited up for and ended it with a round of laser tag while SUITED UP. It was one of those memorable birthdays that you tell the kids about!

It really was a great day and i am happy that I got so many wishes form friends and family and that i got to spend time with my friends and family too. It was great and I gotta say I look forward to more birthdays spent with friends and family.

This is your life

SO last night before going to bed i read an article (which Iw ill post a link to at the end) which gave me a sudden realization. The article talked about the writers sudden realization when holding his son one day that this was it. This was his life. Most of his had already passed by and suddenly he was at the awakening moment of his own mortality and that life had come full circle from the time he was a lad looking to his father now he was the father.

He had spoken of how he felt one day he would wake up and he'd know he was an adult, expecting it to come after graduating college, getting married or having a child. I had thought the same way. I always thought one day I would just simply get to the point to where i could say I'm an adult but now I realize that time is now. This is the definitive years, the years that shape our tomorrow. Soon I'll graduate and then what? I'll be standing there, diploma in hand and I'll realize it. This is it, this is me. I'll take another step out of a life I lived into a new one. Its scary to think about it.

I am thinking of what school I'll go for my graduate degree, of finding work, of saving money for future expense, etc. It's like its all finally happened and I am just aware of it now after waking up and realizing a great truth of some age old secret. I suppose I could sum it up as another lifetime has passed me and now I get to live a new one. SO here we go, lets see where htis one takes me as I develop even further.

http://artofmanliness.com/2011/03/20/what-man-understands-that-he-is-dying-daily-this-is-your-life/

This is your life and today is all you've got now
Yeah, and today is all you'll ever have

-This Your Life by Switchfoot

Yeah. That about sums it up.

the end of peace

It was going well for so long. Sure there were ups and downs but those were the normal ones. then this morning it was all broken, seemed like all of it was undone. For some reason, today which began like most days, went wrong so fast. My brother decided he'd slip back into his old self. Slept all day, didn't help my mother with anything, talked about leaving and living on the street, etc. It takes a toll on my mother as she is frustrated and saddened by his words and lack of action. He was doing well but just today...I don't know.

Perhaps its the weather? yesterday I was in a mood of depression a bit before being cheered up but just...I don't know. Could have been an off day. I don't know what set him off but today just wasn't a good day. To make matters worse my own old self reared its head. The thoughts slipped back to the things I said I wouldn't do and I needed an outlet but had none. I felt like I needed to just relieve it all and be b

ad. Just one last time. But even now writing this I have that feeling still because there is just no getting rid of it till it runs its course.

All in all, its an off day. No one is happy, or pleased here. It sucks but I supposed thats the cards I was dealt for the day and just...man it sucks so much! I just wanna let go! just for a little bit but..no one, nothing to be evil with. Meh. Oh well. No tackling my bad self tonight.

Empty Burning

So yesterday in the midst of the ever so evil heat, as I ventured to some stores I realized something. I felt an incredible emptiness inside. I don't know why, I don't know where it came from I just felt like well bleh. Best way to describe it i felt unmotivated and felt just like sleeping away the day and just life in general. The heat was just taking my energy and i just felt empty after a while and like I had no one to turn to. I suppose it was merely just a momentary deal with depression but still, it sucked. So as the heat starts I can truly say, I miss the fall time.

Late Night Denny's

Ah Denny's time also known as therapy session amongst my friends and I. We go out to Denny's and just vent on the crap and the things that are going on in our lives. So my buddy Jacob and got to have some free time yesterday and hung out catching up on life. You know the usual stuff. Work, girls, school, girls, money, girls. Oh did I mention we talked about girls? Yeah. A lot. Ha ha usually our own lamenting about relationships and the frustration that comes from liking a girl.

Both of us have had tough times since this semester with school with set backs and just things that can leave a person unmotivated with work and such. So I came up with an explanation for it all. When it comes down to it both school and a relationship require a certain amount of energy and time. You have to balance it out or you'll neglect one and give so much energy to the other. Neither Jacob or I are prepared for being able to dedicate any time or energy into a relationship which basically strengthens the already obvious answer of, I am not ready for a relationship at this moment.

But I suppose that is life right? There is still a lot I need to have done and be doing before that time comes. I definitely want to try and get work and save up money and get a car and what not but most of all graduate finally. So there's some steps and measures to be taken. It'll take time but well worth it in the end.

Here is to life

And the hoping, the wishing, the begging that it'd be better. Seems today a lot of people are having a down day. One of those days where at the end you jump into your bed and just say goodnight and not worry about anything else. Sad thing is the issues never go away even with that. Sucks but its true. Everyone has issues on a day I believe should be a good day I mean it rained, and then got windy and as the clouds left overhead it was beautiful. But then you remember its a Monday and it sucks.

Lame. Oh well such is life. I dunno I just feel alone right now. I spent the last few days seeing people I miss and love and leaving made me miss them more. Now I am thinking of everyone else too and missing them. It sucks because I want to see them and there is this little voice telling me that if I want to see them more I'm going to have to get on the ball and work hard. But its just that...I am so unmotivated. I feel life has stopped, just halted and now I am going nowhere. I know I gotta try and take it all a day at a time but still seems so long to wait.

It sucks. I am so sick and tired of it all. Day in and day out the same. I want something new. I need to go looking for work, something to help me start up some independence. Part of me of course is that I am needed here to help at home so I am torn to which place to go and what to do. It sucks. I hate this feeling. Its like I am just floating in a river going round and round in circles not quite going anywhere. I suppose the best bet is to make a decision and go with it. I don;t want to but seems I have to but I don't know. I'll start with a job first see how that works out for me.

Tell the world to stop spinning I wanna get off!

Life. It happens. Full of risings and fallings, plot twists and chapter endings. Its a mess, but its our mess. In my life there is uncertainty. I am uncertain of what will happen in the future. WIll I ever graduate? WIll I ever get my degree, then a master's then a wife? WIll I ever meet the girl of my dreams? Trivial things such as those. They plague my mind now, every night before bed, when I wake up, when I am eating. ABout the only solace is blocking out the little voices with m Ipod. It happens, these things plague us all.

So yes, recently my mind has been swimming with questions and no answers. Life has been mixing signals with me again and I dislike it. A lot. Been up and down and all around. I just wish it would stop long enough to talk to me and help me figure out everything. Just takes time is all. I am just so tired and want to sleep it all away for just a little while longer. But it doesn't stop for me does it? Nope not for anyone so I power forward. Someday it'll all be okay.

Just have to wait it all out because as I go along I'll find the answers God will give me. God feels so far away and I feel so small. Like a tossed little speck in an ocean. It sucks. But I've written about that before and I ask myself, "Why am I afraid?"

WANT AD

A little cuddling. Is that too much to ask for? Just to hold someone and have someone hold onto me? Pillows are fine for a while but its not the same when you hold another person to you and all is right in the world. Because sometimes, when the world sucks and the day is long all you wanna do is lay in bed and just hold a person who makes it all right. Some time to relax and enjoy the other person's company. Honestly? This is a thousand times more appealing than sex could ever be! What's so wrong with enjoying someone's company? Just laying there holding each other? Sadly, I've got no one to cuddle or hold. Oh well. That's life for now I suppose.

Just so easy
When the whole world fits inside of your arms
Don't really need to pay attention to the alarm
Wake up slow, yeah, wake up slow

Jack Johnson-Banana Pancakes

Suddenly, a plot twist

For a few years now I have known what God wants for me, what path to take. Now suddenly something new has happened that could virtually take my life over. I have been asking God why. Why would He put this, of all things in my life? I'm confused on what I should do. I mean he called me to this and now it seems like what? I have to wait? Am I going to be wandering for a while until He calls me up and says, now I am ready? What's worse is I didn't do well at all in my Major Prophets Online course. I guess you could say I absolutely bombed it. This is a definite downer. All I have left now is one more class that I have to, no matter what, do well in. So my fingers are crossed I can actual self pace myself.

Add in the fact that my old college wants to know how I have been coming along now with my progress. Well, lets see, I just bombe done class and i will do well in the other but that's it, I have just taken 2 classes, I am lame and no I won't be returning, chances are. Another fun fact. This absolutely sucks. So chances are I can see lectures and arguing and blaming in the future form my parents. Oh joy. WHo doesn't like these things? Lame. So yes prayer is welcome, God knows i need it.

Nice Guys Finish Last part 1

I wrote this a while back when one day I thought to myself "nice guys finish last". I used to really believe that because I never got my way and it always seemed like girls would chase down the guys that hurt them in the end. I had complained that my good nature would interest girls but never attract them. But then my mind came up with an interesting way to process this. I thought "is being nice really so bad?".

Granted that some of the real jerks of the world do get the girl you might want but think about it would you really want to be like that person? I mean yes he may have something she see's but honestly you can see that he doesn't exactly have the most positive qualities. Would you abandon your own self to be like him just for the sake of someone else? Sure, you might not get that girl today but that doesn't mean the right one won't show up tomorrow.

I was so focused on relationships, and getting married I disregarded a whole lot of things. I never sat down and thought maybe that cute girl sitting on the other side of the class wasn't for me or she just might not be the one right now. But after a few failed relationships and heart breaks and failures I learned to not jump ahead of myself and go off the deep end. I am who i am and changing that just to be able to go out and get someone (unless honestly it was a change for the better but that is up to interpretation to each person) is foolish. If i am happy with who I am.

Life again

It has been a while since I have written, life has been busy thus far. Where to begin? Well one thing is that my brother who was sick in the hospital has returned home, the doctors finally fixing his blood pressure and being able to release him. Its good to have him back home and helping again so it makes waking up at 5 in the morning every day almost more bearable. Almost. And lo and behold we were also graced by that oh so wonderful day, Valentines day. At being single for two years now it is of course not something to look forward to though it was luckily not as bad as I had feared since I was distracted most of the day by Jury Duty. Yes thats right I had jury duty on Valentines Day.

It wasn't all that bad, we got onto a break right after getting there pretty much though after the break I was one of many chosen for a jury. Then I spent the next 3 hours waiting outside in a hallway, waiting to see if I would be picked. That's when we were called in and for 5 minutes explained that we would be coming back the next day. Lame right? Yeah so we came back and the short story is I was not picked. I did however meet a nice guy there who was a former youth pastor and was totally blessed by our discussion outside before we both left. Its the small things in life.

Other than that not much has occurred, its been slow and i enjoy this as going through trials is no picnic but it does help strengthen me, I won't deny that. Though interestingly enough it seems I have a new profession as the Love Doc seeing how in one night I received news that a friend of mine ended his relationship, another friend discussed his interest in a girl and another friend called and talked to me for almost 2 hours about a girl he can't get out of his head and is still thinking of what to do with. All in all I was surprised to be dealing with so many relationships and their issue while I have been single for 2 years now. Strange. Oh well.

Last Night I dreamt Somebody Loved Me

So with recent events I have seen myself grow some more. I find myself to be quite sick at the moment, catching the first cold of the year and I now realize something. As an adult the world doesn't stop for you if you're sick. You have to take care of yourself and still manage your own responsibilities. It isn't like in High School where you can stay home and make up the work, nope you gotta get up and keep on trucking till you can get rest and medicate yourself. Which is what I have been trying to do (this is new to me and even harder as I lack any energy or feeling wellness to strive) through out these past few days. Got a paper due? Do it. Need to pick up the child from bus stop? Power through it. This is extremely lame and tedious but it is good for me to learn.

Despite all of these things I feel that I am falling back into the same old song and dance as before with being lazy and so I feel as though I should keep myself busy somehow. Probably by staying ahead of my work load which would be immensely helpful to myself at this point. Ah and if you are wondering why I picked the title it was because as I am sick I am having a hard time distinguishing my dreams form reality and remembering which actually happened. So the title is dedicated to my dream which is self explanatory when you read it.

A nice comfy bed

So my friend and I got into the conversations of beds when she has said she loved beds and I sat and considered what she had said. I never took my love of beds into consideration since there were times I would sleep wherever I could so I took any object or space I laid down in/on was a bed. Then a thought occurred to me on how I would like to sleep outside. Maybe take a bed outside and sleep there looking at the stars, or waking up to the early morning fog, the sunrise, or the early morning dew. Best of all would be staring at the moon overhead and enjoying it as it moves across the sky. I don't know its kind of an idea I like a lot. Ha ha in fact my friend and I are planning an event for it some time in the future! Its a outside tea party at night with a projector now and a movie! Ha ha this will be fun for when it really does happen which I don;t think I'd make for along time with the fun of deciding when, where, how to get the beds,etc. Ha ha it is work in progress but still a good work! I will be happy to see how this goes! Ha ha some more of my mad genius coming to light ha ha.

But if I had one wish fulfilled tonight
I'd ask for the sun to never rise
If God passed a mic to me to speak
I'd say stay in bed, world
Sleep in peace

-THE CARDIGANS "No Sleep"

Forgiveness

Its a funny thing. I think there are two people in my life I could look at and say "No I do not forgive you for what you have done." That is what I would have said before but now...I don't know. There have been incidents which have allowed me to change my opinion of these two people. First off was one day in church when we were going to take communion. The Lord spoke to my heart and my spirit was grieved when I realized I held hatred for these two. So God told me that if I wanted to take communion I'd have to forgive them. That was step 1. Step 2 was interactions with the two people which has led me to where I am at right now.

One of them is my ex girlfriend who, by means of text messaging, broke up with me. From a different state, Alaska to be more precise. So that right there would leave a bitter taste in my mouth and some pain in my heart. Well she was one of the people who I had held feeling of hate and bitterness for. I actually had messaged her and explained in a long and lengthy message how I had felt and all of that lovely stuff. Now it didn't happen overnight I still felt somewhat nervous and uptight around her during these times. Of course I did I just asked for forgiveness but still getting used to the idea takes time. And honestly i do find myself wanting to spend time with her, granted it is FRIEND time as I have no interest in a relationship just to clear that up.

Now the second person, a former best friend, that is a little tricker. He and I were very close friends and through circumstances and events we stopped hanging out/calling each other and texting. We just sort of floated through life occasionally meeting when unfortunately drama raised its ugly head. The main reason is because I could never understand why he always made the same mistake over and over and over. Every single time. Even when I was convinced he had changed once he had disappointed me and had done the same thing again. There are so many details here I cannot express this to get the reaction you should have in hearing that I am forgiving him and everything. All that you should know is he had hurt a lot of people, many important to me and this is what had led to this. Well tonight as I write this I decided, why not? Why not give it a shot at friendship? In honesty I had pondered this several times while falling asleep. So I plan to walk up and talk to him and apologize to him.

Honestly I never thought I'd be here, letting these two people back in my life. I always assumed we'd just go our separate ways and just yeah. So I plan to let them back in more and more, repair friendships. It took a long time but this is where its come to, after so long. I have had a continual thought and that is, if I'm supposed to be like Christ, and Christ forgives then shouldn't I forgive them and everyone else?

Ah We Meet Again

And again I find myself lying in bed thinking of how much better it would be not to sleep alone. Sometimes I feel having someone laying next to me or having someone wrapped in my arms is sort of something that would provide comfort. Here's this person laying next to you almost giving a sort of comfort of being with you through the night and sharing something so important as sleep. I dunno maybe its just because Valentine's Day is coming? Maybe combined with the fact people are getting married, engaged and in relationships around me? Or, best of all, I'll now be single for 2 years now in February. Then again, maybe, just maybe, I'm lonely and just want someone to hold?

Image found here: http://frantic-sheep.deviantart.com/art/Don-t-You-Miss-That-Someone-12817560?q=boost:popular%20sleeping%20alone&qo=549

It's Raining Books!

Yes so today I got a wonderful surprise in the mail as my schoolbooks finally arrived! Well all but one but still I can finally start my classes that, unfortunately, started last week. Yikes, I know I am behind but what are you going to do about it right? So I have started reading already and boy is it some killer reading. It'll kick my butt but I gotta do it. I also bought two new books today from online, "Crazy Love" by Francis Chan and "The Problem of Suffering" by C.S. Lewis. I am excited for these books as they are for pleasure reading and will no doubt inspire many writings here and on my facebook in my notes.

This is all to b added to my collection of books I already have and now that I think about it I should post some pictures of my bookshelves. Yes, bookshelves as in more than one as my many statues and other assortments of crap need a home as well. So it'll be books, rocks, statues,etc really. Regardless of that I shall post sometime soon so you may enjoy the madness that is (at least part) my room.

I have to make a correction

I am almost certain before I have made the comment that I do not wish to be anything like my parents, this stemming from the arguments and fights we have had. But this morning as I sat and talked with my Dad and received some spiritual encouragement from him I decided I'd change what I said. I have no desire to take on any of the attributes I disagree with or any of their qualities that are negative. So I have no desire to give into the same negative qualities they have though now I realize I probably have my own downfalls that my own kids will say "I won't be like my parents!" Its a cycle and I only hope they to come to the same realization I have come to. That despite the bad times, the yelling, the anger and loud voices, they love me and aren't always like that. They have other qualities to themselves and I've failed to see them because of my own focus on the negative. So this is the realization I have come to. Crazy isn't it?

Something new

I learned something new this morning. I learned that when you're outside at 6 o'clock in the morning, the full moon looks amazing. :)

My neighbors think I'm crazy

I am sure my neighbors think I am crazy since I do so many odd things. For one whenever I return from one of my walks or trips somewhere I always walk in the middle of the street that runs down my street. Not sure why I do it but its just something that is enjoyable to me. Ah or how whenever there is a full moon I always walk and stare at it almost transfixed, or my favorite how whenever I take pictures I always go in my backyard so I am sure the neighbors have seen the crazy kid taking pictures of the sky. But I don't mind what they think I am enjoying the small things in life and journeying on. Its relaxing in fact. Are there odd little relaxing things you enjoy doing?

Thus far we've come

Things have taken an interesting turn since the last time I wrote. My last post was quite a dreary and dark one but hey it was a dreary and dark day. A lot has happened in such a short span. The day after that post I left with my friends on a three day trip to Vegas. Where I proceeded to get owned. Despite that I had a wonderful time with my friends and was grateful to get out of my house. Then I returned last week on friday and figured out just how crappy things were and had been in my absence. My brother hadn't been sleeping all that week apparently. Now no sleep is just isn't good for most people but for my brother it was worst because he is the type to worry about just about everything and it was a field day of worry for him. It got to the point where he had wanted to leave and attempted to twice while we slept but someone caught him each time. So this was a mountain of stress on my mother and of course when it rains it pours.

My father had felt chest pains the other day so we ha dhim taken to the hospital. My father's pneumonia had returned. Apparently since the insurance didn't want to pay for his stay they sent him home a little too soon and he had a relapse. Thank you insurance company for this wonderful time. Well today is apparently defeat the evils on monday day as my father came back home, fluid drained and looking and feeling better (again because of the insurance company) and my brother got some meds to help him sleep. It has been a busy but good day since they're both okay now.

I am considering making a drama or book out of my life. It'll be called "We're bad people". Why? I have no clue I just like it. A definite plus was a few days ago when some people from my church came to visit and pray and I was really strengthened by it and I deeply appreciate them for it. Things have cooled down and I hope they remain that way for a while now. Too much excitement for me in such a short time. Well that is my life thus far besides lack of sleep and general insanity. Hope everyone else is having a little more ups than downs nowadays. Good luck and God bless everyone.

A kind reminder

Of the failure that I am. Today I asked my mother if it was okay to go to Vegas with three other friends of mine. After talking about it for a bit and telling me that it was my decision and me telling her that she is the parent and thus it is her decision since I live under her roof and so I abide by her rules. Well basically I got a yes and was happy to be going on this adventure with my friends and to have a new experience. Then I was called out of the room I was in so my mom could talk to me.

My mother then asked what I was going to do about my online classes I was going to start on Tuesday. Now it is the first week and I do not have my books, mind you so there isn't much I can do. Well logic doesn't work for her that way and thus it was decided that I will fail this semester. Why? Because I am acting the same way I had been before when I was at my school. Putting fun before schoolwork apparently. Yes, before I took any classes, before I did any work my mother has decided that I was going to fail this semester and waste her money like I did before.

I was reminded, after some time surprisingly, that I failed and was kicked out of school and that is why I am in the situation I am in. I was reminded of what a failure I was and apparently am. This is discouraging but I should stop being surprised. I don't think I have ever really heard any praise in a long time from my parents or siblings. I suppose that is life. I guess in the end I need to stop seeking people's praises and seek God's. What's the worst part of it all? The fact that I feel like the shame of the family and that there is that voice that rings out "you just don't belong."